Less Talkie, More Walkie

, , , , , | Right | July 7, 2019

My family and I were sitting down to eat at a pretty popular barbecue joint.

In a booth a few feet away was a middle-aged couple talking to a friend of theirs over the walkie-talkie function of the gentleman’s cellphone at max volume.

The rest of the diners and staff were clearly annoyed, but the couple was so engrossed in their conversation they had no idea how ticked off everyone was getting.

Finally, my father got up and sat down right behind them, leaning over the man’s shoulder.

The man said, “Excuse me?”

My dad said, “Sorry, but I just couldn’t quite make out what you guys were saying, but since you wanted us all to hear I just had to come over.”

The couple practically ran out of there while the dining room cheered.

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Directions As Wrong As Their Attitude

, , , , | Right | July 5, 2019

(We have a lot of cruise ships visit our town during summer. Today, there are two large ones in town. Consequently, there are a lot of tourists wandering around. I’m walking my dog around the wharf area, dressed in an old pair of jeans, T-shirt, and shoes to match. A couple of tourists approach me.)

Tourist: “Excuse me, sir, could you tell me where the Tourist Information Office is?”

Me: “Sure, it’s just over there.“ *points* “You can see the sign.”

Tourist: “Thank you.” *walks off*

(Another couple of tourists see this.)

Tourist #2: “Hi. I wonder if you could point us in the direction of the art gallery?

Me: “No problems. It’s just over the road there; the entrance is at that end of the building.”

(Another woman is hovering, and as soon as [Tourist #2] walks off she comes up.)

Tourist #3: *rudely* “Where’s [Tourist Attraction]?”

Me: “I beg your pardon?”

Tourist #3: “You heard me. Where’s [Tourist Attraction]? You’re the tourist guide; you should know where everything is.”

Me: *looking down at my clothes and my dog* “Um…”

Tourist #3: “Hurry up; I haven’t got all day!”

Me: “Okay, go up that road two blocks, turn right, go down a block, and you can’t miss it.”

Tourist #3: “Humph.”

(I continued to walk my dog, secure in the knowledge that she was heading in the opposite direction to the one she asked me for.)

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The Birds And The Pees

, , , , , | Right | July 3, 2019

(I am a hostess at a popular breakfast restaurant in town. We have a beautiful patio with a huge tree over the top. Unfortunately, a large, vindictive crow has made a nest right above a table and has started pooping on people sitting at that table in order to assert its territory. We also, unfortunately, have a very abusive regular our boss won’t let us not serve. Yes, all of what he says here is roughly true, as far as I can remember it.)

Me: “Welcome to [Restaurant]. Would you like to sit inside or on our patio today?”

Abusive Regular: “Where do you think I’d like to sit? God, you people are idiots.”

Me: “Ooookay. I’ll get you on the list for the patio right away, sir.”

Abusive Regular: “NO. YOU WILL SIT ME NOW. I’VE GIVEN THIS RESTAURANT A LOT OF BUSINESS, SO YOU WON’T PUT ME ON A LIST. YOU WILL SEAT ME OUTSIDE NOW.”

Boss: “Just seat him. Don’t put him on the list. I think #4 is free.”

(#4 is not the nicest table outside. That table is reserved for directly under the bird. I go to seat him elsewhere.)

Abusive Regular: “THE F*** ARE YOU DOING SEATING ME HERE? THIS TABLE SUCKS! I WANT THAT TABLE!” *points to the Bird Table* “Why do I keep coming back if they keep hiring morons like you?”

Me: “Right away, sir.”

(I quietly seated him at the Bird Table. Five minutes later, he came in screaming because the crow had just pooped on him. We never saw him again, and I got double tip-out for a week. Don’t piss off the hosting staff at a restaurant. We might give you exactly what you asked for.)

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Take A Hint, Not A Sample

, , , , , | Romantic | July 2, 2019

(I hand out samples at a grocery store. There is an undercover security officer who always comes by and hits on me, despite the numerous times I’ve told him I am not interested. Today, the store is super busy but nobody seems to want any of my samples. Then, I see him coming.)

Security: “Hey, you. How’s it going?”

Me: *annoyed* “Fine.”

Security: “Oh, don’t be sad. I’m here. You need a hug?” *opens his arms*

Me: “No.”

Security: “How about a smile? Science says you’ll feel better if you smile.”

Me: “No.”

Security: *picking up a sample cup* “That’s okay. You’re still pretty even when you’re mad.”

Me: *silent*

Security: “I haven’t eaten since breakfast. I’m starving! Are these candies or antacids or something? Berry flavored, right?”

Me: *glances at the bottle on the table* “They’re actually—“

Security: “So, lots of customers today?” *takes another sample cup*

Me: “No.”

Security: “Who could walk by you and not want to say hi?”

Me: *shrugs*

Security: “I’d spend all day here if I could.” *takes two more samples*

Me: *silent*

Security: “But I was also thinking about dinner and a movie tonight.” *takes another sample* “What do you think?”

Me: “I think you just ate five fiber tablets on an empty stomach.” *points to the bottle on the table*

(He looked panicked for a minute, then walked away without another word. I heard from one of the store employees that he spent quite a while in the bathroom that day.)

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Fake Childlike Behavior

, , , , , | Right | June 25, 2019

(A couple enters the furniture store where I work. They are older folks, and they say they are looking for many things. I give them a very short version of the floor layout and ask them if it is all right for me to check on them sometimes to make sure their questions are answered. They say this is fine. The first time I check on them, the very friendly husband asks me some questions, and I answer them and then dismiss myself to allow them to keep looking in peace. The second time I check on them, the husband finds a very nice oak CD rack and asks me if we have anything more narrow. I tell him I might, and that I’ll check around the store and catch up to them in a few minutes. I dismiss myself after answering another question of his about a table. I find an item that matches the description of the oak CD rack, but I cannot find the husband for the life of me. I see the wife walking by and go to inform her that I’ve found it.)

Me: “Oh, ma’am, about that item your husband was looking–”

Woman: “Look, I didn’t come here to chat! I came here to just look!

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I didn’t mean to offend you.”

Woman: “Well, you did!’

Me: “Just trying to feed my children, ma’am.”

(With that, I looked down at the floor, turned on my heel, and walked away pitifully. It had the desired effect — I don’t even have kids — and the customer lost all of her zeal, looked down at the floor, and walked straight out of the store in shame. Maybe she’ll think twice from now on before she explodes on another retail salesperson for no reason at all.)

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