The Hippokkkratic Oath

, , , , | Healthy | February 17, 2018

(I work at a detention center, and we are holding two big-name KKK leaders. Both were on TV after their arrest, since they have supposedly attacked one of their own. One of them has to be taken to the hospital for something and he has two male officers escorting him. They are seen in the ER by a tiny nurse.)

Nurse: “Mister… [Inmate]?”

Inmate: “Yeah?”

Nurse: “I see one of your vaccines hasn’t been updated; did you want to take care of that?”

Inmate: “Yeah, why not? The state’s paying for it.”

(The nurse starts humming as she prepares the injection and then proceeds to clean a site on his leg.)

Nurse: “Ready?”

Inmate: “Go for it.”

(The nurse suddenly stabs the needle into his leg, making both the officers cringe in sympathy as the man howls.)

Nurse: “There we go! All done.”

Inmate: “What kind of nurse are you?”

Nurse: “A loving Christian woman who doesn’t judge one’s skin color.”

(It was then that the inmate realized she had seen his face on the six o’clock news.)

Has No Problem Espresso-ing Herself, Part 6

, , , , , , | | Right | February 15, 2018

(I am in the diner of a popular international home goods store. They recently added an espresso machine to the drink station, a few feet away from the registers, so now customers can get free refills on lattes, cappuccinos, and americanos just like the regular coffee. It is a very popular addition. The drink takes a few moments to steam the milk and dispense, so a small line has formed. One fellow in his forties keeps sighing and rolling his eyes as each order is dispensed, clearly impatient. The young woman in front of him gives him a raised eyebrow, but says nothing. Then the machine runs out of beans on the customer in front of her, and says to wait for an attendant.)

Man: “Oh, my God! It’s like I’m in the Twilight Zone!” *yelling towards registers* “Hey! Your machine’s broken down again!

(The young woman in front of him rolls her eyes.)

Man: “I know, right? This machine broke down earlier, too, and even when it works, it takes forever. Now we have to wait for someone to come out and fix it, and then, like clockwork, it breaks down again! I don’t know why they insult us with this piece of junk. It’s ridiculous!”

Woman: *snapping* “You’re ridiculous!”

Man: “Excuse me?!”

Woman: *turning on him* “First of all, each drink takes like fifteen seconds to make, but it sure feels longer listening to you constantly huffing back there. Also, I’m no mechanic, but I’m pretty sure it’s not broken down. It just doesn’t have a magical infinite supply of coffee beans, so if you can handle just waiting for a freaking second you can get your $3 bottomless drink that you somehow still manage to complain about.”

(The man turns red and goes quiet for a moment. The attendant comes during this exchange and goes about refilling the machine, pretending not to overhear.)

Attendant: “Sorry about that, folks. Hope you weren’t waiting long.”

Woman: “Not at all. Thank you.”

Man: “Excuse me! Does she work here? She was very rude to me just now.”

Woman: “No, I don’t.”

Attendant: *shakes head and walks away quickly*

Man: “What’s your name? Where do you work?”

Woman: “None of your f****** business.”

Other Man: *who’s been at the front of line* “Oh, look! It only took a moment, and we can have our nearly-instant luxury again. Can we stop having a fit, now?”

(The man in back of the line huffs again as the customer in front orders a latte, then, with an evil grin, hits the button again for a cappuccino, which fills it to the rim of the cup.)

Woman: “A double? Ooh, that’s genius! Well, why not? It is free, after all!”

Other Man: *brightly* “Why not, indeed!”

(Their four drinks combined force the angry guy in the back to wait about a whole minute, and he looks ready to explode. The man finally snatches his drink and stomps off, red-aced. The woman laughs and looks over at where I’ve been listening discreetly and says:)

Woman: “Oh, man, I love being off the clock.”

Has No Problem Espresso-ing Herself, Part 5
Has No Problem Espresso-ing Herself, Part 4
Has No Problem Espresso-ing Herself, Part 3

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A Beard To Be Feared

, , , , | Working | February 14, 2018

(My boyfriend does some photo modelling on the side to help pay for university, mostly ads or brochures for local businesses. Since beards are currently in high-demand for male models, he’s been wearing a full beard for a few months now. A while ago, he did a photo shoot for a local country hotel, for an ad for their new spa area. Because the date of the photo shoot had to be postponed several times, they offered him a gift card in addition to his pay, which he saved for taking me to dinner on Valentine’s Day a couple of months later. We’re both adequately dressed, but as soon as we arrive, the head waiter gives us a strange look.)

Boyfriend: “Hi. We have a reservation for two today under the name ‘[Boyfriend].’”

Waiter: “Yes, I’m sure. However, there’s a little problem with this.”

Boyfriend: “Okay. What is it?”

Waiter: “You see, today is Valentine’s Day. A lot of people are taking out their wives or husbands for dinner, and it’s a very formal event for us. We’re trying to make this a very special evening for our guests. Because of this, we don’t want our guests to have to put up with… well…” *gesturing a full beard with his hands* “…certain sights.”

Boyfriend: “I see! In that case—” *gesturing ‘wait a second’ with his fingers and taking a stack of advertising brochures from a nearby stand* “—you’d better get rid of these!”

(He unfolded a brochure, and on the first page there was a picture of him relaxing in their state-of-the-art whirlpool. While the waiter turned fifty shades of red, we turned around and left, and instead went to a pizza parlor near our apartment. We had a lovely evening laughing about the ignorant waiter.)

Job Seeker Seeking Trouble

, , , , , , , , | Working | February 7, 2018

(I work at a hiring agency where we interview people, then send them out on jobs that they are interested in. To be placed on a job, you have to come into one of our offices and fill out some paperwork, including a background check, hire sheet, etc. It’s just three pages, doesn’t take a lot of time to fill out, and is very similar to a hire sheet that you could fill out for any other job. I’m working the front desk as the receptionist when a gentleman walks in.)

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Applicant: “Yeah, I’m here to apply for a job.”

Me: “Okay, go ahead and sign in and fill out these papers, and I’ll have someone help you once you turn it in.” *gives man a clipboard with said papers*

(He walks off to fill out the paperwork, and I keep doing what I’m doing. He walks back about ten minutes later, handing the clipboard to me.)

Applicant: “I’m done.”

Me: *surprised, because people usually don’t go through the paperwork that quickly* “Er, okay. Let me see.” *looks through papers to make sure everything is in order* “Oh, sorry. It seems that you didn’t fill everything out. You need to sign several things, and there is a backside to one of these.”

Applicant: “Yeah, the thing is, I just don’t feel like doing all of it. Just put it in.” *arrogant smirk*

(I have the rare applicant walk in that IS reluctant to fill it out, but I usually just brush it off and hand it off to one of the interviewers. But I’ve had an unusually stressful day with my fair share of biting my tongue.)

Me: *irritated* “Yeah, and I don’t feel like dealing with your attitude, but we all have to do things that we don’t want to. So, you can sit back down and fill out the rest, or leave.”

(The applicant is clearly surprised by my sharp response, and demands to talk to my supervisor. I gladly comply, knowing that she has a shorter fuse than I do. I call her over, and she glances briefly through the paperwork.)

Supervisor: “How do you expect us to find you job if we have no idea of your experience or what you want? Fill it out.” *promptly gives the clipboard back to the applicant and walks away*

(He glared at me, as I grinned victoriously, before filling out the rest of the paperwork. He sulked the rest of the time he was in the office, but I was practically on cloud nine.)

Clean Up Your Act

, , , , , | Healthy | January 31, 2018

(I work as a housekeeper at a hospital. The job is hard, but I get paid fairly well. The hardest part is dealing with patients and visitors who don’t realize how important my job really is. I’m mopping the main lobby. A group of visitors leaving the hospital are coming. I just mopped the floors, and they track dirt and grease all over the floor, dropping food as they pass, as well. I get a new mop, slightly irritated, I’ll admit. Then, I hear the mom lean down to her daughter and say:)

Visitor: “Stay in school, or you’ll end up like him!”

(I’ve had a hard day, and just hearing that makes me lose it. I go over, tap the woman on a shoulder, and say:)

Me: “Ma’am, were you visiting a patient here today?”

Visitor: “Uh, yeah… [room number]. Why?”

Me: “You realize a lowlife housekeeper like me cleaned that room, right? That room previously had a very sick person staying in it, and a housekeeper bleached the walls, bed, toilet, everything, to keep you safe from getting what the last patient had.”

(She goes to open up her mouth, but I don’t let her say anything.)

Me: “I’m working this job while I work on getting my associate’s in nursing, which I’m only three months away from. I eventually want to become a doctor. I took this job to get my foot in the door for my future. My parents don’t have money to get me through school, and the scholarships I received aren’t enough to cover $4000 a semester. So, unless you are already saving for her to go to school, or are made of money, she will likely end up with a low-end job for a couple of years. I get the same benefits as any medical staff, I make $12 an hour, and, other than dealing with people like you, my job is nice.”

(By this point her jaw has dropped and her daughter is giggling next to her.)

Visitor: “I’m sorry; I didn’t realize—”

Me: “You shouldn’t have said something like that. ‘If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all.’ My mom taught me that when I was five. Probably best for you to learn it, too.”

(The mother scurries out of the door with her head hanging low. My supervisor has seen the whole exchange, so I think I will get in trouble. He laughs and says:)

Supervisor: “I’ve wanted to say that to people like that forever! I’m just glad I got to witness such a historic moment!”

(Housekeepers are not scum or low-lives, and we are not stupid. Most of us have joined as housekeepers to make it easier to climb up the career ladder. Think about that the next time you say something rude like that.)

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