Whistle To Make You Bristle

, , , , | Right | October 30, 2017

(A customer walks into the shop and sees all three staff members serving customers. He starts to whistle at someone working in the back, who is also serving, to get their attention. The staff member ignores him since they are already with a customer. A senior staff member finishes up and addresses the whistling customer, who is trying to get his attention now with more whistling, no “hello” or “excuse me” or anything.)

Staff: “Do I look like a dog?”

Customer: “What?”

Staff: “Do. I. Look. Like. A. Dog?”

Customer: “No, but I am in a rush.”

(The manager has overheard everything and comes out to see the customer.)

Manager: “Hey, buddy. We’ll get you taken care of, but first, go outside, and then come back in and treat my guys like they’re human beings. You don’t treat my staff like animals.”

Customer: “You’re joking, right?”

Manager: “No. My guys will not serve you until you do. No one serves him until he comes back in.”

(The customer walks out. The staff expect him to keep walking, but he comes back in.)

Customer: “Hi, sorry about before. I want to place an order.”

I Wash My Hands Of You!

, , , , , , , | Working | October 27, 2017

(I am in high school, and I work for a major fast food chain. We have a sink near the grill area where employees wash their hands. One of my coworkers constantly gives me a hard time about how often I wash my hands. Normally I am a quiet and non-confrontational person, but today I have had enough:)

Coworker: *seeing me heading towards the sink* “Look, [My Name] is going to wash her hands again. What, are you OCD or something?”

Me: *angrily* “I have just wiped down every table in the lobby, swept and mopped the floors, cleaned both bathrooms, and taken out all the garbage. Do you want me touching your food?!”

Coworker: *stammering* “Uh… No.”

(He never bothered me again.)

Missed The Point Of Missing Class

, , , , , , | Learning | October 27, 2017

(I’m a junior in college. I’m a biology major, but I’m taking my first ever physics class, 200-level, this semester because I’ve been trying to space out my general education classes. A few weeks before classes start, I contact all of my professors to let them know that I’ll be missing one class so I can stand up at my sister’s out-of-state wedding. Most of my professors are completely fine with it, and accept that life stuff happens, but my physics professor is furious, and, without ever having met me, tells me I can’t miss any classes and I need to find a different section. The only problem is that he’s the only professor teaching the class I need. After I talk to the chair of the department, the professor finally, grudgingly, allows me to take the class. This happens when I’ve come back from the wedding, after the class gets out, around 9:00 pm.)

Professor: “[My Name]! Wait! I want you to know how disappointed I am that you missed class, and that you don’t care about your education. I can tell you have great potential, but you need to apply yourself! Join a research lab! Make your classes your priority! I’ve had so many students like you, such potential, but they just aren’t as involved on campus as they should be; they never find their mentor or put in the time they should…”

(He continues in this vein for at least twenty minutes, almost without taking a breath, and I finally decide to see if I can find a spot to cut in.)

Me: *as soon as he pauses for breath* “I appreciate it, Professor, and I know you’re disappointed I missed class, but I couldn’t not be at my sister’s wedding. I do need to get going tonight though; I need to stop by my research lab and make sure the pH of the tanks hasn’t gone too high and check the concentrations of our last round of samples so I can send the results to [Mentor], and I need to stop by my campus job and pour the micromedia culture plates for the virology class tomorrow, and I still need to finalize the room reservation for the blood drive [Honors Group] is hosting next week, and confirm the volunteers for the free tutoring sessions [Other Honors Group] is hosting. This is why I try not to miss days; the classes usually aren’t a problem, but catching up on my research and work? That’s a pain.”

(He looked faintly stunned. I wasn’t making any of that up either; it was a busy couple of days catching up after I got back. Don’t go making generalizations about people you don’t know, though!)

Cause And Defect

, , , , , , , | Right | October 26, 2017

(I work as a hostess and cashier in a 24-hour diner while in high school. One of the waitresses is basically the epitome of all diner waitresses; she’s in her 40s but looks older, she has a gravelly, whiskey-and-cigarettes voice, she takes no crap from anybody, she’s very popular with all our regulars, and she’s absolutely unflappable. It’s a weekday in the summer, late evening, after the dinner rush but before the bars close and all the drunks come to us, so it is quiet. My manager and I are standing behind the main counter near the cash register talking, and [Waitress] has just refilled coffees for three guys in a booth and is standing there chatting, holding the half-full coffee pot in her right hand. She is mostly talking to the two guys on the left side of the booth, and apparently the guy on the right side thinks he isn’t getting enough attention, because all of a sudden he reaches out and grabs her butt cheek.)

Me: “Oh, my God, [Manager]! Did you see? That guy just groped [Waitress]!”

(The manager heads for the gap in the counter to go intervene — I don’t think he knows what is coming, just that it won’t be pretty — but without even missing a beat in her conversation, [Waitress] just turns her hand over and pours the entire remaining contents of the coffee pot into the groper’s lap.)

Groper: “F***! S***! You b****!”

(At this point, one of his buddies “helpfully” tips his glass of water into the groper’s lap, and my manager is laughing so hard that he has literally fallen on the floor. The ice water bath does cool the guy’s scalded scrotum enough that he is able to get up and come yell at someone less likely to conk him with the coffee pot than [Waitress], and as [Manager] is still on the floor and thus out of sight, that’s apparently going to be me.)

Groper: “Did you see her pour coffee on me? I want her fired!”

(I am a particularly baby-faced 16-year-old at this time, so how he thinks I have the authority to fire anybody, much less this waitress literally old enough to be my mom, is beyond me. I look to my manager for help, but he’s still down, laughing so hard he’s wheezing. Nonetheless, I’m pretty sure he’ll have my back if I need it; he’s like that.)

Me: “Yeah, I saw it, right after I saw you grab her butt. We don’t have to put up with that.”

Groper: “You… I… She can’t! I’ll call the cops! Yeah, that was assault. I’ll call the cops!”

Me: “Well, I guess you could. Or you could just hang around; there’s usually a couple of them dropping in around now for some coffee before they go round up drunks. They like to sit in [Waitress]’s section, so that’ll be convenient. You can tell them your version, and we can tell them how she was so startled her hand slipped after some pervert grabbed her butt, and we’ll see which one they think is assault.”

(At this point the guy just shrieks and stomps out. One of the busboys who’s come out of the back to see what the commotion is about starts to run after him, since he’s walking out on the bill, but our manager, who has managed to regain his feet, waves him off — it’s just coffee, not worth chasing an angry customer into the dark. Meanwhile, the other two guys who were with him come up to the register, and even though they’ve gotten separate checks, they pay his, too, so that works out.)

Groper’s Buddy: “Sorry about him. His girlfriend dumped him, and he’s totally been acting like an a**hole.”

Me: “I think you might have your cause and effect switched around there, but yeah, okay.”

Persevering Pop Proves His Parking Point

, , , , , , | Friendly | October 23, 2017

(My dad goes to the bank one night to draw money out of the ATM. There are three spaces right up front, and a woman has parked her car sideways over two of them. My dad pulls into the third, effectively blocking her in, unless she wants to back up over the planter.)

Woman: *running from the ATM* “You can’t park there! You’re blocking me in!”

Dad: *shrugging* “I’m parked perfectly legally, inside the lines. It’s not my fault you parked across two spots and now can’t get out.”

Woman: “You have to move right now! I’m in a hurry.”

Dad: “Not my problem. You shouldn’t have parked like that.”

Woman: “But no one else was here!”

Dad: “Again, not my problem. You shouldn’t assume you’re the only person in the world and that no one else wants to use the ATM.”

(The woman continues shrieking at him, threatening to hit his car in order to get hers out, and he tells her he hopes she has really good insurance, since there are video cameras outside the bank that will show she deliberately hit his car.)

Woman: “I’m getting the security guard!”

Dad: “Great! Go for it.”

(He sits on a nearby bench and waits. The woman comes back with a security guard who patrols that lot at night.)

Guard: “Is that your car, sir?”

Dad: “Yes, it is.”

Woman: “Make him move it! I’m in a hurry!”

Guard: *to my dad* “I don’t suppose you’d be willing to move your car, sir?”

Dad: *grinning* “Not at the moment, no.”

Guard: *to the woman* “I’m sorry, ma’am; there’s nothing I can do. He’s legally parked in between the lines. He has every right to park there as a customer. You shouldn’t have parked the way you did.”

Woman: “BUT I WAS IN A HURRY!”

Dad: “And now you’re stuck. How’s that working out for you?”

Woman: *screaming* “I’m calling the police!”

Dad: “Great.”

(The woman walks away, presumably to go call the police.)

Guard: “You stay as long as you like, sir. You haven’t done anything wrong.”

Dad: “Oh, I fully intend to. If she’d asked nicely I would have moved my car right away, but I could tell she thought she was better than everyone else, just by how she parked. I’m in no hurry.”

(The woman came back in tears, and Dad finally moved his car after she promised never to do it again. He said he felt like he made his point.)

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