Not Quite The Ice-Cream Of The Crop

, , , , , | Right | August 16, 2018

(I am the customer in this story, watching the cashier interact with another customer getting samples. We are at a very popular frozen yogurt chain with the word “yogurt” clearly in the title.)

Customer: “This is very good. Is it ice cream or yogurt?”

Cashier: *pause* “Yogurt.”

Customer: “Really? It tastes like ice cream.”

Cashier: “Well, it’s supposed to. It has all the rich creaminess of ice cream but less calories.”

Customer: “No, this is ice cream! You’re lying to me!”

Cashier: “Ma’am, I promise you that this is frozen yogurt. It’s very similar to ice cream, but it’s not ice cream.”

Customer: “But—”

Me: “Look, the cashier already told you it was frozen yogurt. The word yogurt is in the name of this restaurant. If you want ice cream, then go somewhere else. If you want yogurt, then get a bowl full of one of the ten samples you’ve already tried for free. But stop making this poor cashier’s job harder.”

(The customer turned red and stormed out, and I got my fro-yo for free!)

It’s Time To Leave… For Good

, , , , , , | Related | August 15, 2018

(I have asked my partner to try to keep the peace when visiting my parents. To their credit, they have managed to be completely neutral this entire week. We’re supposed to be heading to dinner. My partner is already in the car, but my parents keep me in the house to lecture me. They go on for a while about how worthless I am, until my partner comes in to check on me.)

Partner: “[My Name]?! Why are you crying?”

Dad: “It’s nothing.”

Mom: “See, she’s coming in to help you now, but how can you expect her to do that forever? You can’t do anything on your own! Eventually, she’s going to leave you and—”

Partner: “F*** YOU!”

Parents: *startled*

Partner: “How dare you say I would leave? How dare you say [My Name] isn’t worth the whole world?! F*** YOU!”

Dad: “Don’t you dare curse at my wife!”

Partner: “Don’t you dare treat [My Name] like this!”

(There’s a staredown, and things are tense. My partner breaks the tension by taking me out of the house. We call a cab and leave. A week later, my grandmother calls me.)

Grandma: “I heard she cursed at your mother! I cannot believe you would be with someone like that!”

Me: “Mom told me I was useless and that [Partner] would leave me!”

Grandma: *pause* “Well, it was still rude of her to curse. That girl has no manners.”

(Joke’s on them. We’ve moved away, and are financially stable and happy together. Despite their claims, I don’t need them anymore.)

Gore-Tex Vortex

, , , , , , | Right | August 14, 2018

(A customer storms in with a pair of boots and slams them down on the counter.)

Customer #1: “Feet wet, boots Gore-Tex, money back, NOW!”

Me: *looking the boots over* “How long have you had them?”

Customer #1: “A year, but that doesn’t matter… Money back, NOW!”

Me: “Actually, it does.”

(I ask him to follow me to the footwear wall where all our boots are displayed, and I begin explaining to him that Gore-Tex is a one-way valve material in between layers of the footwear. It allows your perspiration to escape in the form of water vapor, but Gore-Tex is not what keeps the outer materials dry. That is a repellent called DWR, and it needs to be renewed at least once a year.)

Customer #1: “You have no idea what you’re talking about, and if you don’t give me my money back right now, I’ll have no choice but to talk with your manager.”

(Just then, another customer looking at footwear chimes in. He is older, with grey hair and glasses.)

Customer #2: “Excuse me. I don’t mean to interrupt… but he’s absolutely spot on with his simplified definition.”

Customer #1: “This isn’t any of your business!”

Customer #2: “Actually, it is. You see… I am one of the scientists who originally developed Gore-Tex. Perhaps you should listen to this gentleman; you might learn how to take care of your boots properly.”

Customer #1: “When I bought these boots, no one told me I had to maintain them.”

Me: “That may be so, and if it is, you have my apologies. Other than the DWR having worn off the outer of the boots, it looks like they still have plenty of life in them.”

(I hand him a can of water repellent from the shelf.)

Me: “By the way, I am the manager… and this one’s on me.”

Guys So Hot That You Just Got Burned

, , , , | Romantic | August 12, 2018

(My brother and his girlfriend are watching TV in the other room when a commercial for “The Bachelorette” comes on.)

Girlfriend: “Ooh!”

Brother: “You watch that? Why?”

Girlfriend: *sarcastically* “Uh, all the hot guys. Duh.”

Brother: *offended* “You’re never going to get with any of them.”

Girlfriend: “We’re never going to f*** like in your porn, but that doesn’t stop you from watching, either.”

What An Ugly Opinion

, , , , , , | Learning | August 12, 2018

(When I was in high school, being or acting “geeky” was still considered “uncool.” The first couple years were a nightmare. They enjoyed bullying me for being new and for my “nerdy” appearance. It wasn’t until my last year in the school that I earned respect from my classmates and had my own circle of close friends. After a two-week break, I return to school with a new, more modern haircut, which helps me feel a bit more confident in my own skin. As I walk down the stairs during our lunch break, I see a group of elementary-school kids waiting in in a line on the opposite side of the stairs. A teacher who is very popular with most students due to his friendly, casual teaching style, starts walking up and stops midway to greet me.)

Teacher: “Hello there, [My Name]! Good to see you back. There’s something different about you, though.”

Me: “Oh, I just went to the salon the other day and decided to get this new haircut.”

Teacher: “That explains it! It looks great!” *while the little kids are looking at us* “Yeah… Your old haircut made you look a little immature, you know? It hid your features! Now you definitely look like a senior that’s about to graduate!”

Me: *surprised he would mention my appearance* “Thanks?”

Teacher: “Like I always say… There’s no such thing as an ugly girl, just one that doesn’t take care of her appearance!”

Me: *shocked and embarrassed he said in front of impressionable kids* “Wait… Who thinks I was ugly, or that I don’t take care of myself?”

Teacher: *stares at me in surprise*

Me: *as the little kids look at us* “Ugliness comes from the inside, and I’ve never considered myself to be ugly. You don’t have to look a certain way to be considered healthy or be socially accepted. Don’t you think?”

Teacher: *as he starts walking up away from me and the kids* “Yeah, yeah, of course! I was just joking!”

My Friends: *who were in the corner waiting for me to walk down* “About time you stood up for yourself!”

Me: “How dare he? I just didn’t want the little kids to think that was an okay thing to say.”

(After that, that teacher avoided me like the plague.)

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