Carting Towards Disaster

, , , , | Right | March 9, 2018

(As a young woman working at a big box store, I get plenty of old men who think they can get away with pretty much anything: grabbing, lewd comments, etc. One regular decides it’s funny to bump me with his cart. I usually work behind a desk, but he bumps me anytime he sees me walking through the store or cleaning up displays. One day he is passing me and hasn’t said anything, so I think he hasn’t seen me. Suddenly, he swerves his cart and hits me in the stomach. I double over and fall to my knees.)

Me: “The baby! The baby! My baby!”

Customer: “Oh, my gosh! I’m so sorry! I didn’t know you were pregnant!”

Me: *getting up* “I’m not. But I could have been. Maybe you should stop running into people on purpose. It’s rude and inconsiderate, and you could really hurt someone.”

(He just stared at me, open-mouthed, for a minute, then hurried away. But he never hit me with a cart again.)

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Has A Speech Prepared Right Out Of The Gay-te

, , , , , , , | Working | March 1, 2018

(I’ve been working at a grocery store for a few months with a manager who is, frankly, a miserable human being. He’s aggressively rude, blunt in all the wrong ways, and quick to lambaste you for minor mistakes and ride you on them for weeks. And, unfortunately, upper management is terrified of doing anything to him because he’s openly, flamboyantly gay and cries discrimination and homophobia the second someone so much as criticizes him. After finally having enough, I’ve decided to quit and decide to let him — the main reason for it — know exactly what I think about him.)

Manager: “Hey, [My Name], I heard you’re ending your employment with us. That’s a shame. Is there any reason in particular?”

Me: “Well… It’s a coworker issue, mostly.”

(He shoots me this toothy smile like he knows I’m about to say something he can twist. Not wanting to give him even a shadow of a chance of playing this game with me, I cut in.)

Me: “Let me tell you something about myself. I’m in a romantic situation that would make churches in this area try to exorcise us: I’m in a polyamorous relationship with three other people, including a trans-woman and another man. I’m so comfortable in my pansexuality I make you look straight; I’ve just never dared use it as an excuse for abusing people and getting away with it. I’m quitting because you’re an abusive creep of a manager and absolute scum of humanity; it has nothing to do with you being gay, or camp, or whatever. You’re just an a**hole.”

(At that, I flick my name-tag onto the table and toss my company vest off, while he and the rest of the office stand there, too stunned to respond.)

Me: “By the way, last night when he came in, I told your husband I saw you kissing [Coworker] a week ago. I heard you say you wondered why he went to his parents’ and didn’t call you last night; there you go.”

(I left just in time to hear him process what just happened and start freaking out. To his credit, though, a coworker I kept in touch with told me I humbled him pretty badly — even if I ruined his marriage — and he has started taking criticism on how to be a better person.)

How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 31

, , , , | Working | March 1, 2018

Scammer: “Hello, and good morning! I am with Windows Support, and I am calling to let you know that you have a virus on your computer.”

Me: “One moment, please.” *while I pretend to do some typing on my keyboard* “Ah, here we are in Google. ‘Windows Support Scam.’ It’s the first listing. It tells me that my two best options are to call you out on being a scammer, or pretend I don’t know what’s going on and lead you on to waste your time. What do you suggest?”

Scammer: *a long pause, and then a click*

Related:
How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 30
How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 29
How To Win The War Against Telemarketers, Part 28

Legal Tender Fender Bender

, , , , , | Right | March 1, 2018

(A friend of mine is the customer in this story. He buys a car and has nothing but problems with the finance company. He gets so fed up that he goes to a credit union and gets a loan to pay off the finance company, but he asks for the loan proceeds in one-dollar bills. He then proceeds to unbind and crumple up every one of them, over three thousand, and put them into a black garbage bag. Then, he goes to the finance company.)

Friend: “I am here to pay off my car loan.”

Agent: “No problem; let me pull up your account. Okay, the payoff balance is [amount over $3000].”

Friend: “Here you go.” *hands [Agent] the black garbage bag*

Agent: “What’s this?”

Friend: “My payment.”

(The agent opens the bag and sees its stuffed full of one-dollar bills.)

Agent: “We can’t take this.”

Friend: “You have to take it; it is legal tender.”

(The agent calls over her manager, who tells her that they have to take it, as it is legal tender. They then ask for my friend’s help in counting it into stacks of 50. My friend purposely makes the stacks wrong, so they have to be done over and over. It takes a long time to have them count it all, but in the end it’s all there.)

Manager: “Okay, sir, here is your receipt. We hope you will do business with us again soon.”

Friend: “You have to say that, don’t you?”

Manager: “Yes, I do.” *walks away*

Resigned Yourself To Not Caring Anymore

, , , , , , | Working | February 28, 2018

(It is my last day of working retail ever. I am very pregnant and very cranky, and I have been in retail dealing with a**hole customers for seven years at this point. None of us are at our best right now, especially me, mainly because I don’t have any f***s left to give.)

Customer: *gets super close to my personal space*

Me: *moves away and continues stocking bakery items from my cart* “Hi! Is there anything I can help you with today?”

Customer: *completely ignores me, and continues to browse the table I’m stocking*

Me: *stocking the table in silence*

Customer: *looks over at me* “Ma’am?”

Me: *looks him directly in the eyes* “Yes, sir, how can I help you today?”

Customer: “YOO-OO HOOOOO!” *waves hands in front of me, and I jump back*

Me: “Yes? What can I help you with today?”

Customer: “You know, you really should acknowledge when people speak to you!” *waves his hand in my face again* “Yooo-hooo! Hellooooo! Can you hear me?”

Me: *checks the time and sees that my shift is over, puts the item I’m holding back on the cart I was stocking from* “You know what? F*** this. I’m out of here!” *looks at the customer again* “And you know what? You should acknowledge when people speak to you! Courtesy and listening skills would get you a long d*** way.”

(I go clock out as he storms over to my store manager and starts a very animated conversation with her. I have to walk by them to get to the locker room.)

Manager: *steps back to address me, earning a glare from the customer* “Hey, when’s the last shift before your maternity leave?”

Me: “Oh, it just ended. Sorry, I thought you knew.”

Manager: “No? Hmm.” *to the customer* “Well, she’s on leave, and I don’t want to deal with the paperwork, corporate inquiries, and lawsuits.”

Customer: “FIRE. HER. NOW. Or, I will never shop here again!”

Manager: “Fine, bye! [Competitor] is full of entitled snoots like you, and they’re only half a mile away! You’ll be right at home!” *walks away*

(The manager walks into the break room.)

Manager: “Oh, hey, you’re fired.”

Me: “Ohmygods! The discriminations! Nooooo!” *acts like I’m mortally wounded in a badly comedic way*

Manager: “Okay, you’re hired again.”

Me: “But I already resigned!”

Manager: “…”

Me: “…”

Manager: “Wait, really?”

Me: “Yeah, sorry. Letter’s on your desk. And you already have the staff to replace me from the other store!”

Manager: “So… Oh. Oh, no.”

Me: “Yeah, I’m really moving. Sorry for that ‘no f***s given’ situation there.”

Manager: “Wow. Yeah, well, you’ve done us a huge favor, getting rid of that guy before I had to trespass him! He’s such a nuisance!”

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