Their Humor Is Footloose

, , , , , | Right | July 6, 2018

(I work in the clothing and accessories department of a big department store. A lady comes up to me with a pair of shoes.)

Customer: “Excuse me, these shoes are my size; however, one is slightly too big.”

Me: “Oh, no, can I take them for a moment and find you another pair in the same size from the stockroom, as it could be that these are defective.”

(The customer hands me the shoes for me to go and find her another pair. I take the new pair to her and she tries them on, but she still has the same issue. I then suggest she tries a different style, just to be sure of whether it’s the shoes or her feet. After trying a different style with same issue, we come to the conclusion that it’s her feet.)

Customer: “As only one fits, could I get a discount?”

Me: “Unfortunately not, because the shoes themselves are not defective.”

Customer: “But they don’t fit me!”

Me: “May I suggest some of those little stick-on heel cushions that will make the shoe a bit smaller, so that it’ll fit better?”

Customer: “Do you sell those here?”

Me: “Yes, they’re in the health and beauty department.”

Customer: “Could I get those free instead of the discount, then?”

Me: “No, because I can’t give away products for free.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Because it’s not our fault you have different-sized feet.”

Customer: “That is disability discrimination. Get me a manager.”

(A customer in a wheelchair who only has one leg has been behind her the entire time, also looking at the shoes.)

Customer #2: “I pay full-price for a pair of shoes and I can only wear one. Maybe I’ll throw my spare one at you for thinking your nasty weird feet are an actual disability.”

(The lady throws down the shoes she wants and quickly leaves.)

Customer #2: “I should have gotten her number and put her in touch with my doctor to get her weird foot amputated, and we could have shared the cost on a pair of shoes!”

Sorry, Not Sorry

, , , , | Right | July 2, 2018

(I’m a manager at a casual dining restaurant. My bartender approaches me in the kitchen, upset because she came back looking for a woman’s food and it wasn’t there, and the woman is being rather rude to her. I determine that someone has just run it out to them, so I go out to the bar to check on the woman and make sure everything came out all right.)

Me: “Hi. How are you doing tonight, ma’am? I just wanted to make sure everything came out all right. Did you need anything else?”

Customer: “This service has just been terrible! I waited way too long for my food. I ordered way before this guy—” *gestures to guy next to her* “—and he got his food way before me! I shouldn’t have to wait so long!”

Me: “I’m really sorry about the wait, ma’am—”

(As I attempt to continue on past this, she interrupts.)

Customer: “Oh, that’s all you’ve got to say?! You’re ‘sorry about the wait’?”

Me: *in a somewhat frustrated tone* “Did you want me to say I’m not sorry?”

(At this point, she got a strange look on her face as if she couldn’t believe I said anything, and proceeded to feel her quesadillas and complain about them being cold. I told her I’d be happy to get her new ones, and when I came out with them, she was perfectly calm and acted as if everything was fine. I guess I shocked her into remembering how to treat other people.)

Disabling His Excuse

, , , , , | Friendly | June 24, 2018

(There is one member of my circle of “friends” who has a nasty tendency to insult people, and then immediately make an excuse that he has a social disability. Given how gleefully unrepentant he seems during it, I have difficulty actually believing it, and at one point, I just snap.)

Friend: “Hey, you’re looking less like a cow than usual.” *pauses, then smirks* “Oh, sorry, was that rude? You know that I can’t tell with my disability.”

Me: “Apparently, you can tell well enough to realize you need a disclaimer.”

(A couple of the people nearby chuckled, while he just glared at me, and then went to complain to some other people there about how “rude” I was. Now, he tends to avoid me, which I am not sad about at all.)

The Thing About Emergencies Is That They Are Emergencies

, , , , | Right | June 23, 2018

(My manager has just gotten a call that her daughter has been in an accident. She asks me to reschedule her appointments so she can go meet her family. At this point she doesn’t know much of what is going on because no one wants to tell her anything until she gets there. There is only one appointment left, and although it is five minutes from the appointment time, I am sure that just by saying the manager had an emergency the client will understand.)

Client: “Hello?”

Me: “Hi, this is [Office]. I see here you have an appointment with [Manager] in a few minutes, but she’s asked me to call and see if you can drop off the information and she can work on it. Or, I can reschedule you for a later time; an emergency has arisen and she won’t be able to stay much longer.”

Client: “ARE YOU F****** KIDDING ME?! I set an appointment with [Manager] a couple weeks ago, and she waits until five minutes before the appointment to call to say she has an emergency?”

Me: “Yes, the emergency just happened and she needs to rush out of the office as soon as possible to deal with it, so she gave the opt—”

Client: “NO, THAT IS UNACCEPTABLE. WHY IS [MANAGER] DOING THIS TO ME?! If I wanted to drop it off, I would have done so at the office that’s right next to me and not have driven this far for this! WHAT EMERGENCY DOES SHE HAVE THAT SHE CAN’T SEE ME?!”

(My manager and I are basically family, so I’m about in tears knowing there is nothing more I can do, and I’m still being yelled at by a customer.)

Me: “MA’AM, [MANAGER] NEEDS TO RUN OUT OF THE OFFICE BECAUSE HER DAUGHTER HAS BEEN IN A CAR ACCIDENT. CAN WE RESCHEDULE YOU FOR A LATER TIME?”

Client: “Sure, I’ll call and reschedule.”

(One of my coworkers who is trying to get information from the accident is within earshot of this conversation)

Coworker: “Does she feel like an a**, or what?”

A Cashless Karmic Transaction

, , , , , | Friendly | June 22, 2018

(It is December, and holiday gift shopping is in full swing. I’m minding my own business, paying with cash in a store.)

Customer: *behind me, scoffs* “Who uses cash anymore these days? Get with the times.”

(I ignore her and continue on my way to another store nearby. I’m in line to pay when the cashier announces that the electronic payment system is down. Later I learn this isn’t just the store’s problem, but stores across the entire country are having issues. They’re currently serving all customers who can pay with cash first while working on a solution for those who can’t. Coincidentally, the same customer is in the line in front of me. As I pass her to go pay, I can’t resist.)

Me: “Who pays cash these days? People who aren’t screwed right now.”

(The look on her face was absolutely worth it.)

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