Defrauding A Fraudster

, , , | Legal | December 4, 2018

(One day, while discussing telephone scammers with a coworker, my cell phone rings. The caller ID shows my area code and exchange, but isn’t a number I recognize. Scammers often spoof the caller ID this way so people will think it’s a neighbor or friend.)

Me: “Hello. Telephone fraud investigations. Agent Smith speaking.” *a total fabrication*

Scammer: *click*

Me: “Huh. He hung up. I wonder why.”

She Slipped Up

, , , , , | Legal | December 1, 2018

I work for a bulk store. I had just clocked out and was about to go home when I saw a woman look around — I assume to make sure no one was around — and pour a little bit of water out of a water bottle.

She proceeded to put her heel in the water and swing it to spread the water, and then laid down on her back right beside the water she’d poured out. She started yelling, “Ow! Oh, my God, I slipped!” and lay there, completely still.

A coworker of mine heard her and came running over to ask what happened. The woman told her she’d slipped on water and fallen, that she wanted a manager to fill out an accident report, and that she needed an ambulance. When the manager came over and started talking to her, I approached them all and told the three of them what I’d seen. The woman started screaming at the top of her lungs until I pointed at the multiple security cameras pointed in the direction the woman had been laying, and told the manager I’d be more than willing to testify in court to what I’d seen.

The woman got up and practically sprinted away, tripped over her own feet, and slid across the concrete floor face-down. We ended up calling an ambulance because she was bleeding pretty badly, and she attempted to sue, but her lawyer dropped the case when the store’s lawyer gave them all the security footage, and the written statement from me as an eyewitness, saying she was already trying to launch a fraudulent lawsuit. This was several years ago, and none of us have seen her back.

An Injury So Bad Your Foot Bone Ends Up In Your Neck

, , , , , | Right | December 1, 2018

(A customer comes up to the service desk, looking pained and wearing a neck brace.)

Customer: “You! I need to make a complaint!”

Me: “Certainly, sir, what seems to be the issue?”

Customer: “You f****** incompetent s***s spilled juice in one of the aisles yesterday! I slipped, and now I’ve got a f****** fractured metatarsal! You owe me big for this!” *holds his hand to his neck brace and cringes*

Me: “Oh, my! Hold on and let me get you a manager!”

(I summon the manager, who listens to the customer’s excessively loud complaining. He then pulls out his phone and starts typing on it.)

Manager: “So, to confirm I’ve got the facts straight, you definitely broke your metatarsal in the incident?”

Customer: “Yeah! Do I have to slap you with a lawsuit for it?”

(My manager hums softly as he studies his phone. He then leans over the counter and appears to be studying something on the ground around the customer.)

Manager: “Before you do, sir, just answer me this.”

(He turns his phone around to reveal the Wikipedia page on “metatarsal bones.”)

Manager: “Why are you wearing a neck brace when your metatarsal is located in your foot?”

(The customer sputters.)

Customer: “But… I… you… ngh… YOU HAVEN’T HEARD THE LAST OF THIS!”

(The customer stormed out cursing.)

Not Really Feline This Scam

, , , , | Legal | November 23, 2018

(I answer the phone. For anyone who is not aware, a sufficiently vocal, angry cat can be fairly deafening.)

Caller: “Hello, I am calling because your Windows computer is infected with a virus.”

Me: “Oh, no. Really?”

Caller: “Yes, I will tell you how to remove it.”

Me: “Can you hold while I log in to the computer?” *places on hold*

(I pull up Youtube and find a video of an extremely angry cat screaming bloody murder, pause it, and crank up the computer’s volume. I then take the caller off hold, hold the phone up to the computer speaker, and hit play.)

Me: *after about twenty seconds of shrieking cat* “If you can still hear me, I’m busy. Go scam someone else.”


The Female Form Does Not Conform

, , , , , , | Friendly | November 22, 2018

(I am at a hotel pool with some friends. A heavily pregnant woman is lounging in a chair near the pool, reading a book. She is wearing a bikini; you can see she has stretch marks on her stomach and legs, and her ankles and feet are swollen. A girl of about twenty walks by, then turns around and goes back, her face wrinkled in disgust.)

Girl: “Um, excuse me?”

Pregnant Woman: “Yes?”

Girl: “Why are you wearing a bikini? It’s kind of gross.”

Pregnant Woman: “I’m wearing a bikini because it’s summer and I want to. If you have a problem with my natural female form, feel free to f*** off.”