Making His Feelings Very Public

, , , | Right | March 7, 2019

(I am a deputy branch manager of a reputed public sector bank. One day, our servers are down and we are unable to do any transactions. However, it is against our bank’s policy to close doors during business hours. We are politely informing customers that their transactions cannot be carried out. One self-important customer storms into my branch manager’s office.)

Customer: *demanding tone* “Print me my transactions statement!”

Manager: “That will not be possible until servers are restored.”

(The customer loses his temper and goes on a tirade that, being public sector employees, we bankers are getting salary from taxes paid by him and still we are refusing service to him. My boss is a very gentle person, but he’s offended by the customer’s words. Just then cops arrive in our branch for a routine visit.)

Boss: *calmly says to the customer* “Your taxes pay salary for them—“ *cops* “—too. Can you talk in a similar fashion to them, as they are public servants also?”

(The customer looked sheepish, and from that day he has never been rude to us.)

Self Checkout Fallout

, , , , , | Right | March 3, 2019

(I am currently manning the self-check when a customer comes up with two fifty-gallon storage totes FILLED to the brim with assorted meats, produce, and the like. This raises a flag, so I instantly use the “head register” to try to flag down a manager while keeping an eye on her screen as best as I can. In addition, I approach her, trying to our “passive-aggressive” tactics to try to stall them as long as I can.)

Me: “Excuse me. Would you like some help with these tubs?”

Customer: “Oh, it’s okay. I got it under control; I use these all the time since your manned registers are so long.”

(Normally I would agree with the customer, as it seems like when we have half the store filled with customers we only have a few cashiers. However, in this case, it is the opposite; we have WAY too many cashiers when there are maybe a few customers an hour going through the registers. This, of course, raises another flag, so I go back to the head register and ping the manager again.)

Monitor Station: “Kool-Aid, Kool-Aid, Kool-Aid, Ramen, Ramen, Ramen…”

(I’m sure you get the picture and, even while assisting other customers that trickle my way, I see her doing SCO trickery.)

Customer: *as I’m walking past her* “These pickle-pops are just wonderful, aren’t they?”

Me: *trying to feign obliviousness* “Yeah, they are wonderful, but I just use the leftover juices in my ice cube trays.”

(Once again, I head back trying to get a manager again… still no luck. Suddenly, the customer comes up to me.)

Customer: “Uh… I, umm… forgot my wallet in the car. Can you hold my items for me, please?”

(I glance at her screen and see what I expected to see: she wants to void the whole transaction. At this point, I know I cannot keep her in the store, but at least the store gets a minor victory and she leaves without being able to complete the scam.)

Me: “Sure…” *thinking: please, manager, hurry up and get here… NOW*

(As she was trying to leave, I really started to pound the h*** out of the code to get the manager over there, doing my best to “forget” how to run it. However, she did start to leave, and maybe a minute after she did so, the manager came over and I explained what had happened. I later learned that while she did get away, the LP team got her face on the video and she was turned into the police and HQ. The total potential loss: almost half a grand! At least I got recognized for the situation and got a store gift card for roughly 10% of the would-be scammed items.)

Your Mouth Has Stamina

, , , , | Learning | March 1, 2019

(Growing up, I am as far from athletic as one can be, not that I care much. I also am completely unable to know when to stop talking. One day in seventh grade, a classmate has been bugging me the whole day, and continues while we are at recess. I ask him to stop it. This guy isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed and is quite aggressive.)

Classmate: “What, you wanna fight? I’m sure I can beat you!”

Me: “Well, of course you can! You have at least six kilos and ten centimetres on me. I’m not sure you should be proud about beating me.”

Classmate: “What?”

Me: “You’re far stronger than me. Being proud about beating me up would be as if I bragged about getting a better grade in a seventh-grade maths test than a first-grader.”

(This is where I should have stopped talking, but instead…)

Me: “…or said first-grader bragging about getting a better grade in a first-grade maths test than you.”

(This is the moment I realised I’d f***** up. I began to move away from him, knowing that when he understood what I said, he would be furious. After a couple of seconds, he realised what I meant and tried to hit me, and I began to run away from him. Thankfully he never caught up with me and got tired before I did. I learnt two things that day. The most important was to keep my mouth shut. The second was that although I couldn’t run very fast, I had nice stamina and could run a little longer than most of my classmates.)

Can Recognise A Scam in Any Language

, , , , | Legal | February 20, 2019

(I work in a warehouse in Norway. I am doing my usual rounds when suddenly my cellphone rings. I notice on the caller ID that it is a very long number from a foreign country. I answer and, lo and behold, it’s a “your Microsoft Windows has a virus” scam. I am somewhat multilingual; I speak Icelandic and Norwegian, can scrape together Danish and Swedish, and have the bare basics in German. I also speak English, of course, but I decide the unlucky SOB has called the ONE person in Norway who doesn’t speak a word in it.)

Me: *automatically speaking in Norwegian* “Hallo, this is [My name]”

Caller: *very foreign accent but speaking English* “Hello. I’m calling from Microsoft because we have detected a virus on your computer.”

Me: *realizing what it is, does not switch to English and continues to speak Norwegian* “I’m sorry? I don’t understand you.”

Caller: “Ah, do you speak English?”

Me: *switches to my mother tongue, Icelandic* “Is this English? I’m sorry; I don’t speak English.

Caller: “English. Do you speak English?”

Me: *in my absolute worst Danish* “I’m sorry; I still don’t understand you.”

(I quickly whisper to my Danish coworker nearby what is happening and they nearly fall down laughing.)

Caller: “ENGLISH! DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?!”

Me: *pretends like I’m thinking about it, then exclaims in utter joy, in my bad German* “Deutch? Ja, ich sprechen Deutch!”

(“German? Yes, I speak German.” He hung up for some reason.)

Karma Lives In Ohio

, , , , , | Working | February 18, 2019

(I work in an electronics lab at a high-tech manufacturer in California. My supervisor sometimes takes credit for my work. One day a customer in Ohio is having trouble with their user interface port, a problem I have already solved. My supervisor asks me to explain the fix, all the while repeating, “I do NOT want to go to Ohio!” Later, the owner walks in for an update.)

Owner: “So, did you come up with a solution?”

Supervisor: “Yes, it seems that—“ *repeats my solution as his own*

Owner: “That’s good work, [Supervisor]. I’m sending you to Ohio to fix this customer’s unit.”

Me: *suppressing a shriek of laughter*

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