Making Your Response Explicitly Clear

, , , , , , , , | Working | October 15, 2019

(I am out to my lunch with my brother, his boyfriend, and my boyfriend. All three men are 5’7” or taller and they all work out. I order a bunch of French fries for myself. The waiter brings them over and gives them all to my brother.)

Brother: “Here, [My Nickname].”

(As I’m reaching for the French fries, assuming it was a mix-up and the waiter will understand, he cuts me off and tries to hand me my brother’s burger.)

Waiter: “No! Sorry, but this is yours!”

(He pressures me into taking it, so I do, planning on switching them back. Then, I look down at the tray. On a napkin is written, “You’re hot enough to bang all night long, babe. ;)” along with a phone number.)

Boyfriend: “What’s wrong?”

(I show him, and then my brother and his boyfriend. My brother takes the tray, giving me the fries.)

Me: “What are you planning?”

Brother: “Shhh!” *waiter arrives* “Hey, man.”

Waiter: “Yes, sir?”

Brother: “About this note…” *lifts it up*

Waiter: “Oh, s***. I’m so sorry, I meant it for her!”

Brother: “Oh, d***. I was hoping it was for me.”

Waiter: “Excuse me?”

Brother’s Boyfriend: *leans over brother’s shoulder, smirking* “Yeah, been a while since we had a threesome.”

Brother: “And you never let me suck your d**k! Maybe this guy will, since you’re so particular.”

Waiter: *pales and flees* 

(We all burst out laughing. The waiter comes back with a manager.)

Manager: “Sorry, ma’am, sirs. I’m going to ask you all to leave.”

Us: “Huh?”

Manager: “According to [Waiter] you were verbally harassing him, saying sexually explicit things, and being nosy.”

Me: “No, no! He gave me this note, and my brother was messing with him to try to teach him not to do this stuff.” *gives the note to him*

Manager: *pause* “I’m going to look into this. If you all are lying, I’ll have to ban you from all locations. And if you–” *turns to the waiter* “–are lying, there will be repercussions.”

(He leaves and we all go back to eating, kind of worried about the waiter situation. Eventually, the manager comes back, seething.)

Manager: “I’m so sorry. We have cameras, there, there, and there–” *pointing at nearby cameras* “–and they were able to show that [Waiter] did give you the note. Plus, we checked his handwriting, and it’s the same. I’m so sorry you were uncomfortable, and while I must say that I don’t condone your response, it was warranted. Would you like your meal for free?”

Me: “Oh, no, that’s okay. As long as he doesn’t get away with it.”

Manager: “He won’t.”

(We still wound up getting free dessert, somehow, but I’ll never forget my boyfriend’s facial expression when my brother started talking about sucking d**k.)

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So, Like, If Get Scammed Does That Make Me, Like, More Popular?

, , , , , | Legal | September 29, 2019

(I have had the weekend from Hell itself, so I am miserable on a Monday night when this gem of a telemarketing scam comes through. For context, I am in the bathroom with horrible cramps when I hear the phone ring and my son brings me the phone. Also, I have my laptop on my lap, and it is definitely not an Apple product, as we are an Apple-free home due to budget.)

Me: “Hello?” *using an outrageous valley girl voice*

Scammer: *with a thick accent* “Hello, ma’am, I am calling from Apple Support to inform you that your iCloud account has been compromised.”

Me: “O-M-G!” 

(Yes, you got that right; I went SUPER valley girl!)

Scammer: “How many Apple devices do you own?”

Me: “Three!”

Scammer: “And what kind are they?”

(He is speaking slowly like I am the airhead I am pretending to b.)

Me: “An iPhone X, a laptop, and uh… an Apple watch.”

Scammer: “Well, ma’am, it would seem your account is signalling from many places. Yes, someone in Russia, Germany, and other places have accessed your account. Do you have family from there that could have accessed the account?”

Me: “Noooo…”

Scammer: *huffs* “Well, ma’am, have you shared your account with anyone?”


Scammer: “Well, ma’am, I am going to give you a website to go to. What browser do you use?”

Me: *even more excited and outrageous voice* “Safariiiiiiiiiiiiiii!”

Scammer: *huffs LOUDER* “If you will go and type in this address.” *proceeds to give me a complex website to go to while attempting to phonetically spell it to me* “Ma’am, have you typed it in?”

Me: *stifling a giggle* “Yesssssss.”

Scammer: *huffs* “What does it say?”

Me: “1MATOO7.”

Scammer: *pauses* “What? What did you say?”

Me: “1MATOO7.”

Scammer: “Ma’am, did you go away from the website?”

Me: “Noooo! This is what came up!”

Scammer: “Ma’am, you need to type that correctly. I do not understand how you are seeing this message.”

Me: *bursts into laughter because he is clueless and dropping into my real voice with a Southern drawl* “Dude, I’m just f****** with you. I’m a candidate for a PhD in military history, and there ain’t s*** in this house that’s an Apple product! You have a good day, sweetie.”

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Kill A Scam With A Scandal

, , , | Legal | September 28, 2019

(I lived in Washington, DC for several years, but don’t live there anymore. Knowing some things about the city gives me great tools when those scammers call.)

Scammer: “Hello, is this [Not Close To My Name]?”

Me: “May I ask who is calling, please?”

Scammer: *heavy foreign accent* “Ma’am, we have an urgent matter. This is the IRS. You owe us $10,000 which must be paid immediately–”

Me: “Oh, my gosh, the IRS? My brother-in-law works there! Are you on [Street]? On the 32nd floor? How’s the new [non-existent] metro station coming along? Do you know Bob? He’s my brother-in-law!”

Scammer: *confused* “Ma’am… this is an… “ *papers shuffling* “…urgent matter.”

Me: “My sister is going to divorce Bob because she saw those photos of him; it’s such a scandal. The kids don’t know the truth, of course, and Bob will lose the Ferrari and the penthouse. Heroin addiction is such a terrible thing–”

Scammer: *click*

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“Able” To Bring Her Down

, , , , , , | Friendly | September 15, 2019

(My uncle is considered by the rest of my family to be a “child-whisperer” because he can easily manage five children at a time by himself. He can take five of us — his kids and my siblings and our other cousins — on outings and manage to keep us all safe while we have fun. We all love him because he is very easygoing and patient but also can be silly with us. We go to the zoo when I am nine, with my ten-year-old and four-year-old cousins — his son and daughter — and twin six-year-old cousins — his nieces. We overhear two old ladies speaking. One of them points at my six-year-old cousin who has one leg.)

Rude Old Lady: “It is fitting that they brought that freak to a zoo.” 

(Her companion laughs. My uncle overhears this comment, as does my cousin, who starts crying. While her twin and the rest of us are attempting to cheer her up, my uncle walks over to the ladies, smiling.)

Uncle: *in a jovial sort of way* “Hello. Would you kindly repeat what you said?” 

(One of the women looks apprehensive, but the other doubles down on what she said before.)

Rude Old Lady: “I said that it is fitting that you brought your freaks to the zoo.”

Uncle: “Freaks? That’s a bit harsh, isn’t it?” 

Rude Old Lady: “No, it’s accurate. You’ve got two kids wearing glasses — that ought to be child abuse, especially when you’re doing it to a little girl — and a kid with one leg. Plus, that kid has another kid who looks just like her except she’s whole.”

Uncle: “Oh, the twins? They don’t look that similar. For a start, she has blonde hair and she has black hair. I might consider it child abuse to not let children wear glasses, regardless of gender.” 

(So far, my uncle has been very conversational in tone. Now, he spreads his arms out like he’s making a grand speech and starts speaking loudly. The other people near the bear exhibit — and even the bears themselves, probably — are listening now.)

Uncle: “Understand this, O ableist hag! I do not appreciate you calling my family freaks, O she-who-made-a-kid-on-crutches-cry! I have nothing more to say to you, O demon-in-a-woman’s-body! Begone, I say!” 

(While my amputee cousin starts laughing at the absurdity of the statement, the rest of us cheer, and the woman, publically humiliated and shamed, stalks off, her companion saying, “Well, you were a bit rude, don’t you think?” to her on the way out. I bring this up now, years later, only because while visiting our grandmother during the summer, the oldest of my cousins and I go to the grocery store. My cousin nudges me in the ribs and says:)

Cousin: *just loudly enough for her to hear* “Hey, it’s the demon in a woman’s body!” 

(She scowled at us and kicked in our general direction before walking away.)

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About To Go All Old-Testament On You

, , , , , | Friendly | September 11, 2019

(My coworker and I are the only ones working. My coworker is flamboyantly gay. There are two customers in the store: a female in her 30s and a male who seems to be in his early 20s.)

Coworker: *upbeat* “Hi. What can I get for you today?”

Female Customer: “Absolutely nothing! I refuse to speak to a [slur]! Get me someone else!”

Coworker: *upset* “Okay…”

Female Customer: “Yeah, go cry! You deserve it for being an unholy [slur]!”

(Suddenly, the male customer jumps in.)

Male Customer: “Excuse me, miss, but I’d like to shake your hand for being such a good Christian.”

Female Customer: *looking proud of herself* “Certainly!”

Male Customer: “Oh, wait a second… Are you on your period?”

Female Customer: “HOW DARE YOU ASK ME THAT?!”

Male Customer: “Well, the Bible says contact with a woman on her period is forbidden, so I’m just making sure to be a good Christian.”

Female Customer: *turns red and runs out of the store*

Male Customer: *laughing* “God bless, b****!”

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