(I work security at a popular football stadium. My job is to check bags and make sure people don’t try to smuggle any weapons into the stadium. A fan is entering through my gate and I see a rather large pocket-knife clipped to his back pocket.)

Me: “Excuse me, sir, but you can’t bring that knife into the stadium.”

Fan: “Why not? I brought it in last weekend and no one seemed to care.”

Me: “Sir, I’m not going to let you into the stadium if you have a weapon with you. You can either give it to me and you will not get it back, or you can take it back to your car and keep it, but I cannot let you in. If you decide to walk into the stadium, I will have those nice state troopers behind me escort you out, but you cannot bring that in.”

Fan: “Why can’t I bring in a pocket knife?”

Me: “Well, sir, for two reasons. One: it’s for your safety and everyone else’s safety. Two: we have fifty highly-trained state troopers with high-caliber pistols that could potentially blow a hole clear through your chest. So, my question to you is, why do you need a pocket knife?”

Fan: *looking shocked about what I have just told him, he turns around* “I think I’ll just take it to my truck.”

Me: “Thank you for your cooperation, sir.”

(One of my students is supposed to be working on an assignment, but I look over and can only see the top of his head on his desk.)

Me: “[Student], I need you to wake up and get back on task.”

Student: “I wasn’t sleeping! I was on my phone!”

Me: “Um… That also isn’t a good answer… or choice.”

(I am helping a woman find a dress for a wedding she obviously doesn’t want to attend. She is in a bad mood for most of the time she is in the store. Everything I suggest she says she doesn’t like, though it’s in a nice way.)

Customer: “I love this dress, but I am too flat-chested for it.”

Customer’s Friend: “You could always put some socks in there.”

Me: “Our socks are on sale.”

(I am waiting for the woman to get mad at me; luckily, she starts cracking up.)

Customer: “Thanks, I needed that.”

(I work for a car rental agency as a sales representative. Part of my job is to make small talk with customers about their plans for our vehicle and their trip to ascertain if they would like certain services. A woman walks up to me.)

Me: “Hello. How are you today?”

Customer: “Uh, fine.” *strange look*

Me: “Do you have a reservation already?”

(She does, so I take her information and begin entering it in the computer.)

Me: “So, are you going anywhere fun?”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “Are you headed out on vacation?”

Customer: “What? No, I just need a car. It’s local.”

Me: “Oh, all right. Any particular reason? Did your car break down?” *a fairly common reason local residents might want to rent a car*

Customer: *in a sharp tone of voice* “It’s private.”

(I raise an eyebrow and complete the rental in silence. I do not offer her any services. She takes the keys and leaves. I go to lunch. I return. The phone rings.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Agency]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Were you the one that helped me?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am?”

Customer: “I was just in there and this blonde guy helped me. Was that you?”

(I’m the only blonde male working today.)

Me: “Most likely, ma’am. What can I do for you today?”

Customer: “I want to speak to your supervisor.”

Me: “I’m afraid there isn’t one on duty today.”

(It’s Saturday, we are painfully slow, and managers go home early.)

Customer: “Well, I just want to lodge a complaint with somebody. You were very rude, asking me about my business with the car. It made me uncomfortable.”

Me: “I apologize, but small talk is part of the job.”

Customer: “No, it isn’t! You were prying into my personal life! I shouldn’t have to tell you anything! You have no right!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m very sorry, but asking small questions is how I find out what other services you might require. For instance, if you had never visited this city before, I would offer navigation. If you were renting to go on a bachelor party, I would offer something flashy like a convertible or a Cadillac. It’s part of my job.”

Customer: “You were rude, and you asked too many questions! When does the supervisor return?!”

Me: “He will be in the office tomorrow from 5:00 am until 4:00 pm.”

Customer: “We will see what he says about this!”

Me: “Drive safe, ma’am.” *click*

(We have free seating at my school, but my classroom is getting crowded and noisy, so I tell students they can only be in my room if they are working in my subject matter. One of my more impish young men is talking and bouncing all over the place, so I tell him he needs to sit with his Physical Science teacher. Five minutes later, he is at my classroom door.)

Student: “Mrs. [My Name], I’m coming in!”

Me: “Oh? On what grounds?”

Student: *pauses, then points triumphantly to the floor* “These grounds right HERE!”

(I laughed so hard, I had to let him stay.)