(I get about a $3,000 bill from a doctor I had seen several months prior. I am confused because I know my insurance had paid it. I call the billing dept. but get no answer and leave a message. I forget about it until the next month when the bill comes again. Once again, I call, leave a message, and forget about it. Then I get a letter threatening to send me to a collection agency. I call my insurance company to double check. They tell me that not only have they paid it, but had a duplicate charge under a different account number that was of course denied. I start calling every other day. The office phones aren’t open until 10 am and they shut them down at 3:30 pm. I either get a recording and leave a message or the receptionist tells me everyone is in a meeting. This goes on for over three weeks. Then I get another threatening letter. I even go to the office in person but am told everyone is in a meeting and no one can talk to me. At this point I have had it. I wait until 10 pm at night. I call and get the voicemail system. When it says press “1” for nurse, I do so and leave a detailed, angry message that NO ONE will return my calls, I am being threatened with being sent to a collection agency for a bill that was paid, and someone better call me back or I am filing fraud charges with the insurance company and talking to a lawyer. I hang up and call back and do it again after pressing a number for a different department. I go through the entire employee directory. I do this for almost two hours and leave dozens of messages on EVERY SINGLE EMPLOYEE’S voicemail. I then call the doctor’s emergency after-hours line and leave the same message there. The next morning, at 10:01, I call the office. The receptionist recognizes my voice.)

Receptionist: “Yes, ma’am, I have the office manager here for you” *transfers me*

Manager: “Good morning, Mrs. [My Name]. I was just about to call you.”

Me: “Yeah, I bet you were.”

Manager: *sheepishly* “Yeah, everyone is talking about the messages you left, especially the doctor.”

Me: “Well, it’s not like you left me much choice.”

(She apologizes and explains. The guy who was handling the bills was creating fake patient accounts and double billing the insurance companies. Most didn’t catch it, paid the doctor, and then the guy stole the money. They fired him but have such a paperwork mess to clean up and had to gather the evidence to convict him that they didn’t have time to call the patients.)

Me: “I understand, but that is no excuse. You are sending me letters threatening to send me to a collection agency.”

Manager: “What?! Crap, the computers are printing those out automatically. We didn’t know any had been mailed out.”

Me: “Yeah, well they are and you better start answering these calls because you have some very peeved off patients who, like me, are calling lawyers.”

(She apologized again and told me that my account had been cleared up. I wonder, though, about all the others who just kept calling and getting nowhere.)

(I work for a home goods store. One of our manager’s duties is to do random observations of employees and rate us on a one-to-four scale in various categories; too many ones in a shift or a week can result in being sent for retraining or losing your job. On a day where we’re unpacking new inventory during regular business hours, a manager calls me over to show me my evaluation.)

Manager: “I gave you fours on safety and store maintenance, but I had to give you a one on customer service and a one on productivity. You were so focused on the new inventory that you ignored four different customers in your department. I need you to sign the notice that you will be getting retrained on customer service, since you had two ones in the same shift.”

(He points out the four customers; I recognize each one from earlier interactions, but I sign the slip, anyway.)

Manager: “Before we get this on the schedule, do you know how you could have handled the situation differently?”

Me: “Well, when I asked the customer looking at flatware how she was doing 20 minutes ago, she said, ‘Yes,’ and scurried away. The two in bakeware never looked away from their conversation long enough to acknowledge that I’d asked if I could help them find anything, and the one in table linens has been on her phone for the past ten minutes, and when I greeted her, she rolled her eyes, pointed at the phone, and stormed off.”

(I didn’t have to go for extra training.)

(I am the assistant manager for a very well known, nationwide novelty shop that also sells some adult intimate products. An older gentleman walks in, in his 60’s, and comes up to me. He looks like your average, blue-collar grandfather, in denim pants and a jacket, along with a plaid men’s work shirt.)

Guest: “Do you have a paddle?”

Me: “Well, not exactly. We have flails and crops. But the only paddle I have is thin, flimsy wood, and is meant as an over-the-hill birthday spanking gag gift. It’s not really sturdy enough for anything hard.”

Guest: “Well, I’d like to see it anyway.”

(I lead him to the item and show it to him. He smacks it against his hand several times to test it.)

Guest: “Well, I don’t know now, I like a good hard spank.”

(I didn’t need to know this. As he continues to test it, I pick up a set of purple suspenders with fake plastic breasts that was on the floor, and hang them up. He interrupts himself and points to the suspenders.)

Guest: “Now, are those just for women, or can a man wear them too?”

(This startles me slightly, but at this point in my job, not much shocks me anymore.)

Me: “Well, yeah, they are just an old age gag gift, too, but they are standard suspenders so they should be adjustable to fit a man.”

(His reply is 100% serious.)

Guest: “Oh, well, that might be an idea then. I’m getting tired of stuffing my brassiere.”

(I really didn’t need to know that. My professionalism takes over, and he doesn’t get to see what I am really thinking, as I try not to laugh.)

Me: “Well, yeah, that should work for you. But as for this paddle, it is all we have. I suggest you go to [Nearby Adult Shop]. I am sure they are going to have what exactly you need.”

Guest: “Oh, well, all right. But I do like a good hard spank. If I can’t find one there, I will come back for this in a few weeks. I don’t really have a place to hide it you see, and my mistress is out of town for a few weeks. My wife would find it.”

(I certainly didn’t need to know that! Enter Extreme Professional Mode!)

Me: “All right, well, yes, [Other Shop] should absolutely have exactly what you need!

Guest: “All right, thank you!”

(As he walked out of my store, and I watched him go, thinking of all his surprising revelations to a complete stranger, I watched him reach behind himself, and lift his shirt slightly so that he might hike up his pants. In the process, I saw that he was wearing florescent pink, extremely frilly, women’s underwear. Needless to say, I went straight to the back-room and hit the floor laughing.)

(We are in math class and this one kid is talking. Note that my math teacher has a sarcastic sense of humor.)

Student: *talking and generally being rude*

Teacher: “Well, [Student], if you think you don’t have to pay attention, why don’t you teach the class?”

Student: “Seriously?”

Teacher: “Sure!” *she hands him her keycard and everything*

Student: “Okay, class, so as Ms. [Teacher] was saying…”

(The teacher sat down in his seat, and started playing hangman with us. By now half the class was playing hangman and the other half was chatting to themselves, no one paying attention to the student. That was the best math class ever!)