(I am shopping with my younger children one morning at a dollar store. Two rows over, two employees are talking about their weekend, VERY LOUDLY, and they can be clearly heard from most of the store.)

Male Employee: “How was your weekend? Did you see that nasty boy-toy of yours?”

Female Employee: “Oh, that f****** boyfriend of mine decided he wanted to lick my—”

Me: *very loudly* “Keeping in mind that there are customers in the store with young children, you might want to rethink having this conversation out here and go back into the break room.”

(Silence. Another older lady with her grandchildren came up to me and thanked me for saying something.)

(My father-in-law and I are in the checkout lane of a grocery store. A woman with a child around three or four is in front of us. The little girl is in the cart handing stuff to her mother. She smiles and says hello to my father-in-law.)

Father-In-Law: “My, but you are a big girl, helping your mommy!”

Girl: “I always help my mommy and daddy!”

(The mother is smiling proudly.)

Father-In-Law: “I bet your daddy thinks you are a big help.”

Girl: “Mommy says Daddy is an a**hole.”

(The mother turned several shades of red and hurried out of the store. That was the last time my father-in-law talked to children in the grocery store checkout lane.)

(I do cake decorating as a hobby and will do occasional jobs to fund it or just for some extra spending cash. I tend to be a bit expensive because I make everything by hand, from the cake to the frosting, and use fresh ingredients like butter and fresh fruit instead of oil and frozen stuff. I have a mother-in-law who is a pain in the rear; she likes to volunteer me for stuff, and then gets mad when I wont do it. My mother-in-law calls me and lets me know that someone at work is getting married, so she gave her my number to make a cake. I don’t normally like to bake for strangers, but I could use a little extra cash. The girl calls me and goes through what she wants. She has a wedding with over 300 guests. She wants a multi-tiered, very elaborately-decorated cake, and a groom’s cake — this is normally an extra, small, chocolate cake on the side of the wedding cake. So, I go through my calculations.)

Me: “Okay, for what you want, the cost will be $450.”

Caller: “WHAT?! That’s ridiculous! That is way too much. Why would it cost so much? I could get a cake from [Big Box Store] for much less!”

Me: “Oh, yes, you most certainly could. But I use fresh ingredients and make everything from scratch, whereas the stores use frozen cakes shipped in, and decorate them with machine-made icings. Plus, they cannot make the elaborate designs you want.”

Caller: “Well, that is ridiculous. Your mother-in-law said it would only run me around $30 or $50. You will do a deal for me.”

(Honestly, it sounded just like something my mother-in-law would say, and I confirm later that the moron did just that.)

Me: “Well, then, you can get my mother-in-law to make it for you. Honey, $30 won’t even cover the ingredients for the groom’s cake, much less the wedding cake. My wedding cake prices start at $100, and what you want is not a $100 job.”

Caller: “Well, can’t you do it as a wedding gift for me? Your mother-in-law said you do that for people.”

Me: “I did that for my sister and a dear friend. You are a complete stranger. It will be $450 for you.”

(She was very mad and hung up. Twenty minutes later, my idiot of a mother-in-law called, all upset, DEMANDING I make the cake for $30. I told her unless she was willing to give me $450 in cash up front, she could tell her coworker to go to the big box store for her cake. Yeah, my mother-in-law is a pain and an idiot, but she never did that again because it embarrassed her at work. Really, who the heck expects an elaborate wedding cake for $50?)

CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.

(My dad, who is in his late 80s, goes in for his yearly check up.)

Doctor: “Well, Mr [Dad], Everything looks good except the fact you have gained a little over 10 pounds since I last saw you.”

Dad: *sighs* “Does that mean I have to go on a diet? With Christmas coming up it’s going to be hard. My daughters, grandchildren, and son are all great cooks and they always make all sorts of yummy things for me for gifts.”

Doctor: “Sir, you are 89 years old. I wish my blood pressure was as good as yours. Your cholesterol is perfect, your blood sugar is perfect, your heart is as healthy as any 30-year-old, you can see perfectly with a little help of glasses for reading, you take NO medication of any kind, not even aspirin. You walk. Frankly, I wish I was in as good of health as you are and I am over 35 years younger. Honestly, at this point in your life, I vote you just eat anything and everything you want. You obviously are doing just fine.”

(Dad really loves his doctor and he enjoyed Christmas thoroughly!)

(I have an older in-law who is a big time user; she tries to con everyone she can. Her big thing right now is trying to con everyone into taking her out for a steak dinner. Not a quick fast food meal; she wants a big, expensive meal with appetizers and the works. She will pull the, “Oh, I have never been to a nice restaurant,” and puppy-dog eyes routine, whining and begging. It never works with me. We have just moved into a new home with a two-month-old baby. The power has not been turned on yet so I have family who lend me a cooler and fill it with sandwich meat and leftovers from when we had dinner at their house the night before. I am cleaning and the elderly in-law is visiting with another in-law who is outside helping my husband build a deck. She speaks to me in her fake Southern accent.)

In-Law: “Oh, dear, my dinner bell is going off.”

(I am not stupid, and I am not playing that game. I tell her I have some sandwich meat and I can make her something.)

In-Law: “Oh, I don’t like sandwiches, dear.”

Me: “Okay, well, I have some leftovers from my mother’s house you are welcome to have.”

In-Law: “Oh, I don’t do leftovers, dear.”

Me: “Well, then, I guess you’re not hungry… DEAR.”

(She had the look of deer in headlights on her face. She made an insulted face, got up, and walked out of the house. She did not return until over ten years later. Several other in-laws told me if they knew that that was all it took to get rid of her for a decade they would have done the same thing.)