(Earlier, I had to take the vacuum outside to clean my bath mat, which had kitty litter spilled all over it. A few hours later, my very stoic dad asks me about it.)
Dad: “Why is the vacuum outside?”
Me: *suddenly realizing I forgot to put it away* “Uh… It was being bad.”
(Dad had no reaction, but Mom heard from the other room and laughed.)
(I work at the mental health ward. I’m at the nurses’ station when I hear a loud CRACK. A patient has collapsed on the floor. I run over to help.)
Me: “What happened?”
Nurse: “She was walking to the shower and just fainted. She’s been nothing but trouble!”
(The patient looks like she hasn’t showered in days. She’s pale and really thin.)
Me: “She looks terrible. What’s been happening to her?”
Nurse: “She was vomiting for the past three days. Won’t even eat!”
Me: “And you let her walk? Why haven’t you called medical?”
Nurse: “She’s annoying!”
(My boss has been trying to get the motivation to fix a company-wide organizational chart that even his own boss said is not a huge priority. After sitting on it for several days, my boss brings the chart back to me.)
Boss: “I’m giving this back to you because I just can’t get the motivation to work on this right now.” *lowers voice* “And frankly, I don’t care.”
Me: *laughs* “I get it.”
Boss: “So, just sit on it for a while and we’ll work on it later.”
Me: “I have this in electronic format, so if you want to take this and crumple it up, be my guest.”
Boss: *face lights up like a little kid on Christmas* “Yes!” *crumples the chart into a ball with a look of evil glee*
Me: “Feel better?”
Boss: “Oh, yes.”
(This takes place via email.)
Me: “Dear Sis, I need to enter the checks for our business in the spreadsheet. When you get the mail, please take a picture of the checks and email it to me.”
Sister: “Here you go!”
Me: “Um, Sis, a photograph of the sealed envelopes isn’t any use to me. I need things like the check number, who wrote it, and the amount. Please open the envelopes and take pictures of the checks themselves, then send them to me.”
Sister: “Oh! I didn’t know that’s what you wanted.”
(I’m at a big box store that sells just about everything. I’m on a tight budget, as I’m not currently working, so I have to be very careful about what I buy. I’ve picked up the items I plan to buy, but can’t help wandering around a bit, looking at all the things for sale. Finally, I get into a checkout lane. As I reach the cashier, we begin to chat.)
Cashier: “How are you today?”
Me: *laughing* “I’m pretty good. I just wish that you guys would stop selling things I want to buy when I have no money.”
Cashier: “Do you want me to page a manager?”
Me: “…”
