(I have just taken over handling the company’s soda machine after the previous person quit. After dealing with at least one jam per week and hearing complaints from coworkers in different departments, I decide to put a sign on the machine.)

Sign: “If the soda machine needs attention, please notify [My Name].”

Coworker #1: “The soda machine looks lonely. It needs attention.”

Coworker #2: “The soda machine needed attention so I gave it a hug.”

(I work in a call center for a cable company. I take sales and technical support calls. When a sales call comes in, our current plan type either comes with a one-year agreement — with a severe discount — or a month-to-month plan that almost no one takes. I am at the end of a sales call with a middle-aged woman who is trying to help her mother set up service.)

Me: “Okay! So, everything’s all set, and we have the date for installation picked out. Before I can finalize everything, I need your mother to agree to the one-year legal statement over the phone, please.”

(The phone is delivered to the elderly mother.)

Me: “Okay, ma’am, your service is almost done being set up. I just need to read this statement verbatim, and at the end I need a clear ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer, okay?”

Elderly Mother: “Okay.”

(I read the statement.)

Me: “Do you agree with this?”

Elderly Mother: “I do.”

Me: “Ma’am, I am very sorry, could you please provide a clear ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer for the recording?”

Elderly Mother: *exasperated* “I agree! Goodness, you make it so complicated!”

Me: “Ma’am… please, just ‘yes’ or ‘no’…”

Elderly Mother: “YES OR NO!”

Me: “…”

(I do technical support for a small cable company that operates in four or five states. An older gentleman is on my phone; one specific channel is not working on all of his TVs. We’ve already run through all the basic troubleshooting, new signals, restarting, etc.)

Me: “Okay, sir, at this point, since you still don’t see that channel, I could either send out a technician—”

Caller: “I don’t want a stranger in my house!”

Me: “…or, as I was going to suggest is the better possibility, call the actual network themselves and see if they are having an outage in your area.”

Caller: “But I pay you. You are my cable company. Fix it right now!”

Me: “Sir, just like we don’t get to choose what shows are played and at what times, there are certain things we cannot control within a single station. If all of your channels had been out, or the HD channels, I would assume this was a signal or wiring issue and request a technician. Since we have already exhausted all basic troubleshooting—”

Caller: “Didn’t I just tell you I don’t want you to send people to snoop around my house? Your job is to fix my cable, so fix it!“

Me: “Sir, again, I’m very sorry. I want to help, but you really should call the network at this point…”

(I explain how the signals and networks function, and how I cannot control the networks nor fix issues that they may be having.)

Caller: “That is too complicated! What am I even paying you for? I don’t care how it works; just fix it!“

(He wound up escalating to a supervisor who told him the same thing until he hung up. Some people really just can’t live without their TV shows, apparently.)

(I overhear this conversation:)

Child: “My mommy is pregnant.”

Coworker: “Congratulations. Do you know what she is having?”

Child: “She is having a boy…”

(Pause:)

Child: “…or a girl.”

Coworker: *laughing* “Well, I’m glad she’s not having a puppy.”

(We are sitting at break in my Med/Surg Nursing course one afternoon, and we’ve just finished clarifying that our final exam is NOT cumulative. I notice my classmate next to me has hiccups.)

Me: “Got hiccups?”

Classmate: “Yeah.”

Me: “Want me to scare them out of you?”

Classmate: *sleepily* “Nooooo! Don’t scare me.”

(Jokingly, I throw my arm around her and lean in.)

Me: “Hey, hey, [Classmate], the fourth test is cumulative!”

Classmate: “WAIT, WHAT?!”

Me: “Oh, my God, no! We just finished discussing this! I’m joking.”

Classmate: “…”

Me: “HOLY CRAP! It actually stopped your hiccups!”

(We all lost it. Forget “boo.” If you want to scare a nursing student, just tell her the exam will be harder!)