There’s Even Less Meat Between Their Ears

, , , | Right | March 19, 2020

(I’m taking orders on drive-thru. A customer orders a sandwich that comes either single or double, customer’s choice.)

Me: “Would you like that [sandwich] single or double?”

Customer: “Single or double what?”

Me: “It’s just the number of patties on your sandwich.”

Customer: “I don’t understand.”

Me: “How many pieces of meat would you like on your sandwich?”

Customer: “I still don’t know what you mean.”

(I gave up and rang in a single.)

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Does This Mean Google Maps Provides Legal Advice?

, , , , , | Working | March 18, 2020

(Many years ago, before cell phones and even before personal computers are common, I receive a court summons. I’m not familiar with the location of the courthouse, in a town over an hour away from where I am residing, and I can’t find a map that lists it — neither the mailed summons or phone book I find in the local library have a street address, just something like “Courthouse Square” — I call a week or so before the hearing date to get directions. My bad; the very short conversation goes something like this:)

Receptionist: “Thank you for calling [County] court; how may I direct your call?

Me: “I’ve received a summons to appear at a hearing on [date] and I’m unfamiliar with where the courthouse is located. I’ll be entering town on the main highway from the west; could you provide directions or connect me with someone who can?”

Receptionist: “I’m sorry, I’m not allowed to provide legal advice.”

Me: “I just need directions from the highway to the courthouse. I’m not asking for legal advice at all!”

Receptionist: “I’m sorry, no one is here who can provide you with that information. As I stated, I’m not allowed to answer legal questions. You’ll need to contact your attorney. Have a great day!” *disconnects the call*

(I didn’t have an attorney as I’d been called to be a witness and was not a party to the suit, but I did eventually find the courthouse, just a block off the highway, no thanks to her. Although, upon arrival, I discovered that the civil matter I’d been summoned for had been resolved out of court days prior, my presence wasn’t required after all, and no one had bothered to let me, or at least two other witnesses, know.)

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Cats Are Evil Geniuses, Exhibit A

, , , , , , | Related | March 15, 2020

In the time of Windows 3.0, my family’s computer has a word processing program that we use regularly.

One day, my mom is working on the program when one of our more assertive cats jumps up onto the desk, landing square on the keyboard. My mom quickly shuffles the cat out of the way and discovers that the word processing program has closed on her.

Soon enough, we find that the program has actually uninstalled itself. The cat apparently landed just right so its paws hit the sequence of keys needed to start and confirm the uninstall process. That cat really wanted some pets from my mom!

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Unfiltered Story #189640

, , | Unfiltered | March 15, 2020

I’m at a chain pet store, buying cat food.

Me: By the way, if I buy a couple of tennis balls, would you be willing and able to make two cuts on them so I can put them on the legs of my walker? (I point to the walker, which has worn thru the tennis balls.)

Employee (voice flat, pacing slow): I don’t have a knife.

Me: Well, could you ask around and see if there’s someone who has a knift? Or an Exacto-Knife? Like you’d use for opening cartons of stuff?

Employee: I can ask I guess.

He finds an Exacto-knife, manages to cut open two tennis balls, and puts them on my walker legs.

Me: Thank you! May I talk with a manager, so I can tell him or her what a big help you’ve been?

Cashier: He IS the manager!

Do Not Trust This Man To Operate A Grill

, , , | Right | March 12, 2020

(I work at the service desk of a grocery store where we do, among other things, propane grill tank exchanges. There is a gas station associated with the store at the far end of the parking lot, which is a good walk away, and we have never done tank exchanges out there. A man comes up to the service desk carrying his propane tank. After exchanging the customary greetings, this conversation takes place.)

Me: “Do you have any other shopping to do?”

Customer: *nods*

Me: “Okay, I’m going to have to ask you to please leave the tank outside while you shop and when you go to check out at the registers, tell the cashier that you’re exchanging a propane tank.”

(I wave behind me in the direction of the cash registers as I mention them. The man nods again and heads out. Thinking that is the end of it, I return to what I was doing. I turn around to see the man standing at the desk again.)

Me: “Did you have a question, sir?”

Customer: “So, you mean that I have to go way out to the fuel center to do my exchange?”

Me: *slowly* “No.”

Customer: “I have to do it here?”

Me: *starting to get annoyed* “You said you have other shopping to do, right?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “Tell the cashier at checkout that you have a propane exchange.”

Customer: *stares at me blankly*

Me: *wondering how to tell him without being too condescending* “So, what you want to do is grab a shopping cart and do your shopping. Then, when you’re all done and ready to check out, you tell the cashier up there at the register that you have a propane tank outside and you would like to exchange it for a new one.”

(As I am explaining to the man, I wildly point in the direction of each thing I mention, hoping he understands.)

Customer: *grumbles as he walks away* “You could’ve said that in the first place.”

Me: *trying to not rip my hair out due to frustration*

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