Has Millions Of Friends, But Not Millions In The Bank

, , , , | Right | June 6, 2017

(I represent a major telecommunications firm, known primarily here in the USA as being one of the most popular cell phone service providers in the nation. I am currently talking to a customer about setting up a new phone line on her plan.)

Me: “It seems that before we can provide you with a new phone and phone line, we need you to pay your outstanding balance of $656.29.”

Customer: “What?! Why can’t you just add the line now, and I’ll pay my bill later?”

Me: “I apologize, ma’am, but our systems won’t let me add any new lines or equipment to your account until you’ve paid this past-due bill. If you like, I can process a payment with you here over the phone right now.”

Customer: “No way! I can’t afford to pay that right now, and I need this phone for my son!”

Me: “I apologize again, ma’am, but until you pay on your bill, there is nothing more I can do to help you with that.”

Customer: “You bunch of crooks! I’m gonna tell all my friends to stop using your s****y service! I’ve got enough friends that you’re gonna go out of business! I’LL SHUT YOU DOWN!”

Me: *calmly* “So just to be clear, you have enough friends to get the millions of customers we have to leave us and cause one of the world’s largest, international telecommunication firms to go out of business, but you can’t leverage any of that tremendous social influence you possess to raise a few hundred bucks to pay your bill?”

Customer: *click*

Time To Ring Up Those Purchases

, , , , | Romantic | May 31, 2017

(My fiancée and I are looking at wedding rings online. He’s on his phone and I’m at the desktop.)

Fiancée: “I found one I like, but it’s pricier than the last one.”

Me: “Okay, let me see it.”

(He handed me his phone to show me that his “pricier” option was a whopping $57. The price on the one he liked before it? $9. I haven’t laughed so hard in days.)

The Cake Is A Cry

, , , , , , | Learning | May 29, 2017

(I am a head teacher for the two- to three-year-old room of a daycare center. This age is known for tantrums, but this particular child takes the cake. Literally. We are having a little party in our room and parents have brought us treats.)

Me: “Who’s excited for our party?”

Children: “We are!”

Me: “Me, too. Now your parents have brought us yummy things like cookies, cupcakes, fruit, and popcorn. Should we eat only cookies and cupcakes?”

Children: “No!”

Me: “How come? I love cupcakes; they’re yummy!”

Children: “You’ll get a tummy ache!”

Me: “That’s right. So since we don’t want any tummy aches, I am going to give each of you only one cookie and one cupcake. Once you finish those you can’t have anymore, ok? But you can have more fruit and popcorn.”

Children: “Okay, Miss [My Name]!”

(My assistant teacher and I pass out the food and everyone is happy until one asks for more.)

Child: “I want another cupcake.”

Me: “Do you remember what I said before we started, [Child]? I said that everyone was only going to get one cookie and one cupcake. No more because you will get a tummy ache. But you can have some more fruit or popcorn.”


Me: “I understand that but no one else is getting more cupcakes. You’ve already had yours. Do you want anymore popcorn?”

(The child is upset and starts screaming loudly at me and my coworker. He pushes his plate off the table and falls to the ground. I am trying to calm him down when his grandma shows up to pick him up. She walks in, sees him screaming and having a fit, and me kneeling next to him.)

Grandma: “What’s going on?”

Me: “I explained to [Child] that before we started our party I would only give each child one cookie and one cupcake. He asked for another one and I reminded him what I said.”

Grandma: *grabbing the child’s hand* “Stop crying and we’ll get a treat at home.”

(Thanks, grandma. Unfortunately, my boss and other teachers also did this when the child didn’t like my answer. He quickly learned that he just had to scream loud enough to get someone else’s attention and whoever it was would tell him that they would get him whatever he wanted if he stopped crying. I quit shortly after.)

Will Just Ask Tampon-And-On-And-On…

, , , | Right | May 29, 2017

(A woman and her family come into the shop and she is purchasing tampons, pads, and condoms, plus bubble tape for the kids.)

Eldest: *seven at most* “Hey, what are those?” *points to box of tampons*

(The mom and I make eye-contact and almost start laughing.)

Mom: “Um, they are for mommies.”

Eldest: “But what are they for? What do they do?”

Mom: “They’re for mommies. Go outside to your dad.”

(The kid leaves and goes outside.)

Me: “At least he didn’t see the condoms.”

Mom: “Oh, god, yeah. ‘What are those for, mommy?’ For not having anymore of you!”

Snow Denying That They’re Awesome

, , , | Hopeless | May 27, 2017

(I’m delivery driving and it has been snowing all day. I’m out delivering to a neighborhood that has not been plowed.)

Me: *to customer* “Thanks, have a good evening!”

Customer: “You, too!”

(I start to drive away but about a foot down the street I’m stuck. The snow is up to my knees and I don’t have a shovel. I’m considering trying to dig myself out with my hands when two heads pop out of the snow in a neighboring yard.)

Boy: “Hey, miss, are you stuck?”

Me: *trying to laugh, embarrassed* “Yeah, I think so. It’s okay, though.”

Boy: “We can help!”

(These two little boys couldn’t have been older than six, but with two giant shovels they not only pushed the snow out from my car, but ran ahead the street until I got to a road I could drive on! Your parents raised you right, little guys, and I hope karma comes back with something awesome for you!)

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