Client: “Help, my cat is pregnant and I have no idea what to do now!”

Coworker: “All right, do you have any unneutered male cats in the house, or is she an outdoor cat?”

Client: “Yes, I have two unneutered male cats in the house. Does it matter?”

Coworker: “Well, if you have unneutered male cats in the house, that is likely how she got pregnant.”

Client: “That’s impossible. My male cats are gay!”

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(I am a head counselor at a camp. It is the end of the session and checkout doesn’t start until 5pm. The following takes place around 3pm. My boss radios up that a parent has shown up unexpectedly. I scramble to gather the kids, their belongings and final paperwork before heading to the parents.)

Parent #1: *fuming* “Well, it’s about time! We were supposed to leave by 2:30!”

Me: “Okay, I’m sorry this is taking a while. We’re just trying to get the last pieces of paperwork together. In the future, if you need to check out early, you can note it on the checkout form you filled out at the beginning of camp and—”

Parent #1: “Well, we called and confirmed we could be here early!”

Me: “Oh? Who did you confirm with? I’m sorry for the mix-up. They should have passed that info along and we could have—”

Parent #1: “Well, we left a message.”

Me: “Who did you confirm with that we got your message? Did you make verbal contact with anyone?”

Parent #1: “WE. LEFT. A. MESSAGE.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t always get a chance to check our messages. Next time, it would be better if you tried again until you made verbal contact with—”

Parent #1: *clamps her hands over her ears* “NO! NO! NO! I DON’T WANT TO FIGHT! NO FIGHTING! NO FIGHTING! [Camp Name] RULE: NO FIGHTING!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m not trying to fight with you. I’m just letting you know how we can make early check out easier—”

Parent #1: “NO! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO FIGHTING!” *walks away from me*

(I turn to the other parent and begin explaining things to him.)

Me: “For future reference, if you fill out the early check out form we can have all the paperwork ready and your camper’s belongings set aside instead of buried in the trailer—”

(At this point, the other parent turns away from me, walks over to the trailer, opens it up and starts throwing other campers’ bags out into the dirt.)

Me: “Sir, you can’t be in there! I will help you find your camper’s belongings as soon as we finish the checkout paperwork!”

Parent #1: “THIS IS SO STUPID!”

Parent #2: “This is utter B***S***!”

Parent #1: “WHY IS THIS TAKING SO LONG?!”

Me: “If you would let me explain I would be happy to help you—”

Parent #1: “NO FIGHTING! NO FIGHTING! NO FIGHTING!”

(Fortunately, my boss comes over. He tells them the same thing I’ve been telling them. Surprisingly, their response is the complete opposite.)

Parent #1: *to my boss* “OH! Well why didn’t you just say so?” *signs the paperwork* “Have a good day!”

(This happens as I am coming back from break. I am a young lady, and the coworker I am speaking to is a young man.)

Coworker: “Hey, are you still on the clock?”

Me: “Yeah, I just got back from my break. What’s up?”

Coworker: *holds up a fistful of women’s panties* “Could you put these up for me?”

Me: *laughing* “No! Man up and do it yourself. They told you to do it.”

Coworker: “But… I’m lazy!”

(My friend used to own a comic book store in the local mall. I am a tall goth girl and am leaning against a bookcase reading a Japanese graphic novel.)

Customer’s Young Son: *tries to reach for a comic on the top shelf*

Me: “Here you go!” *hands him the comic* “Batman is my favorite superhero.”

(The young boy’s father approaches.)

Customer: “What the h*** do you think you’re doing talking to my son?! You’re trying to possess him with your evil!”

Me: “I was handing him a book.”

Customer: “Don’t lie to me! You were trying to convert him to worshiping the devil!”

Owner: “Is there a problem?”

Customer: “How dare you let devil worshipers hang around in your store?! She was trying to convert my son with this devil bat comic!”

Owner: “She handed him the comic. That is all, sir.”

Customer: “Don’t lie to me! You’re one of them aren’t you? You’re both in a cult together!” *to his son* “Son, we never go near these people again, do you hear me? I’ll tell everyone this store is evil!”

Me: “Sir, I’m actually an atheist and am offended that you would make such blind accusations based on my appearance.”

Customer: “Don’t tell me how to raise my son! God hates you!”

Owner: “Sir, I would like you to get out of my store and never return.”

Customer: “I can enter here if I want. It’s a free country, and you HAVE to serve me!”

Owner: *calmly* “You’re right, it is a free country, and as the owner of this shop, I have the freedom to tell you to get the f*** out or I’ll call the police.”

Customer: *grabs his son and leaves hastily*

(I am working the ticket counter giving out prizes. A guy and his teenage daughter are examining a glass display case with stuff inside. Suddenly, the daughter backs up a foot and launches herself directly into the case, almost knocking it over.)

Me: “Please do NOT push on the glass!”

Father: *angrily* “Well, there should be a sign or something! How was she supposed to know that would happen?!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but people don’t generally throw themselves into our GLASS cases.”

Father: “Well, there should be a sign! Geeze!” *storms out*