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Sales (Baby) Boom

, , , , , | Right | September 27, 2010

(The store allows you to pay off your store credit card bill at any of their stores. I am in the store paying off the company’s bill at one of the regular checkout stations. I have my five-month-old son with me in his carrier, which I put on the counter while the clerk is scanning the statement stub and the check. Another customer comes up behind us, sees the carrier, but no items, on the counter, and the clerk scanning a check.)

Customer: “Is she buying a baby?”

Clerk: *without missing a beat* “Yep, she got the last one on the shelf.”

Ordering Pizza, Talking Baloney

, , , , | Right | August 30, 2010

(I am a lunch lady at a high school, and one of the students there is going to be leaving for a trip to Italy soon.)

Me: “What kind of pizza would you like?”

Student: “One pepperoni, one cheese.”

Me: “So are you excited to spend two months in Italy?”

Student: “Yeah, but I’m really going to miss all the good food here at school. Especially pizza.”

Me: “But you’ll be in Italy right? So you can have pizza there.”

Student: “Yeah but it won’t be authentic pizza from America. It’ll just be cheap Italian knock-offs.”


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Don’t Hold Your Breath For This One

, , , , | Right | July 16, 2010

(I am counseling a patient on using an inhaler.)

Me: “Do you know how to use an inhaler, sir?”

Patient: “Nope, never used one.”

Me: “Okay, you’ll want to begin inhaling, and then depress the inhaler as you are breathing in. Then, hold your breath for as long as possible to allow the medication to be absorbed into your lungs.”

Patient: “Oh, sort of like smoking pot…”

Fish Trek 2: It All Goes Downstream From Here

, , , , , , | Right | May 12, 2010

Customer: “This book looks interesting. How do I watch it?”

Me: “Watch it?”

Customer: “Yes, where can I find the movie?”

Me: “I don’t think this book has been adapted into a movie.”

Customer: “What do you mean? Where can I go to watch it? I want to know what happens in the book!”

Me: “Forgive me for asking, but if you want to know what happens, why not just read it?”

Customer: “Read? How stupid! Where’s the movie?! All books are made into movies so that we don’t have to read them!”

Me: “I am sorry, I can’t help you. This is a bookstore. Only popular books — usually adventure stories — are adapted into movies. I am quite sure that this book hasn’t been made into a movie.”

Customer: “Why not?!”

Me: “Because it’s a fishing manual.”


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The Best Looks Come With No Brains

, , , , | Right | April 21, 2010

(I call waiting customers numbers when their food is ready. I notice a customer picks up the wrong item.)

Me: “Ma’am, you accidentally picked up the wrong meal. This one is yours.”

Customer #1: “Oh, I know. This one looks better.”

(The customer walks off with the wrong meal.)

Customer #2: “Excuse me, did she just take my food?”

Me: “Well, actually, yes. I’m really sorry about that; I tried to tell her and she wouldn’t listen.”

Customer #2: “Well, I don’t blame her. My food looked way better.”