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Don’t Hold Your Breath For This One

, , , , | Right | July 16, 2010

(I am counseling a patient on using an inhaler.)

Me: “Do you know how to use an inhaler, sir?”

Patient: “Nope, never used one.”

Me: “Okay, you’ll want to begin inhaling, and then depress the inhaler as you are breathing in. Then, hold your breath for as long as possible to allow the medication to be absorbed into your lungs.”

Patient: “Oh, sort of like smoking pot…”

Fish Trek 2: It All Goes Downstream From Here

, , , , , , | Right | May 12, 2010

Customer: “This book looks interesting. How do I watch it?”

Me: “Watch it?”

Customer: “Yes, where can I find the movie?”

Me: “I don’t think this book has been adapted into a movie.”

Customer: “What do you mean? Where can I go to watch it? I want to know what happens in the book!”

Me: “Forgive me for asking, but if you want to know what happens, why not just read it?”

Customer: “Read? How stupid! Where’s the movie?! All books are made into movies so that we don’t have to read them!”

Me: “I am sorry, I can’t help you. This is a bookstore. Only popular books — usually adventure stories — are adapted into movies. I am quite sure that this book hasn’t been made into a movie.”

Customer: “Why not?!”

Me: “Because it’s a fishing manual.”


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The Best Looks Come With No Brains

, , , , | Right | April 21, 2010

(I call waiting customers numbers when their food is ready. I notice a customer picks up the wrong item.)

Me: “Ma’am, you accidentally picked up the wrong meal. This one is yours.”

Customer #1: “Oh, I know. This one looks better.”

(The customer walks off with the wrong meal.)

Customer #2: “Excuse me, did she just take my food?”

Me: “Well, actually, yes. I’m really sorry about that; I tried to tell her and she wouldn’t listen.”

Customer #2: “Well, I don’t blame her. My food looked way better.”

Lack Of Grey Matter, Part 2

, , , , | Right | March 19, 2010

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “My computer monitor is broken.”

Me: “Okay, sir. What are the symptoms? Does it just not turn on?”

Customer: “The text is really hard to read.”

Me: “Just the text?”

Customer: “Yeah, everything else is fine. I think the backlight thing is dying.”

(I remote connect to the user’s machine.)

Me: “Is this what you’re talking about?” *uses the pointer on the screen*

Customer: “Yeah, the text right there in my email. It’s faded out. See that?”

Me: “Sir, your text color is set to grey.”

Customer: “I didn’t know the monitor could do that!”


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Reincarnavian

, , , , , | Right | March 17, 2010

Me: “Hi, how are you today?”

Customer: “I need to buy this bird.”

Me: “Okay. Have you ever had a bird before?”

Customer: “I’ve had THIS bird before! I need to have this bird! My bird died last week and this bird tells me that he is my bird reincarnated! I need to have this bird.”

Me: “The bird told you?”

Customer: “How else would I know?”


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