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Telling Porkies, Part 2

, , , | Right | March 30, 2011

Customer: “Is the chicken caesar sandwich vegetarian?”

Me: “No, ma’am. It has chicken in it. But we can substitute tofu if you’d like.”

Customer: “I don’t want tofu. Don’t you have any vegetarian meat?”

Me: “Vegetarian means no meat, ma’am. Would you like a non-vegetarian option?”

Customer: “No, I’m a vegetarian. Your menu says you have vegetarian options.”

Me: “We do have vegetarian options. Anything can be made without meat.”

Customer: “Why don’t you have any vegetarian meat?”

Me: “Are you sure you’re a vegetarian, ma’am?”


This story is part of our Vegetarian roundup!

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Read the Vegetarian roundup!

The Phone Is Suffering From ‘The Situation’

, , , , , | Right | March 7, 2011

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company Name] tech support. How can I help you today?”

Caller: *thick inner-city accent* “Yeah. Phone don’t work. It’s all like ‘WHAAAAAAT’ and needs to be like ‘YAAYUUUUHHH’.”

Me: “What exactly is not working, sir?”

Caller: “My phone.”

Me: “I understand your phone is having issues. What exactly is it doing?”

Caller: *slowly and deliberately* It’s all like ‘WHAAAAAAT’, and needs to be like ‘YAAYUUUUHHH’.

Me: “How about we just exchange the phone?”

When Intelligence Just Melts Away

, , , , | Right | March 2, 2011

Customer: “Can I have cheese on my fries?”

Me: “Would you like American, Cheddar, Swiss, or Pepper Jack?”

Customer: “Cheddar is the one that melts, right?”

This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 8

, , , , | Right | February 16, 2011

(A customer is paying her credit card bill.)

Me: “Would you like to pay with cash, check, or debit card?”

Customer: “I can pay with a debit card?”

Me: “You sure can.”

(The customer slides her card.)

Customer: “I don’t remember my PIN. I’ll just try one.”

(The customer’s card is declined.)

Me: “Do you want to try again?”

Customer: “No, my mom will use her card.”

(The customer’s mother tries, but she doesn’t remember her PIN either.)

Me: “You can pay with cash or a check.”

(The customer pulls a folded check from her pocket and hands it to me. I open it to see that it’s blank.)

Me: “Um…”

Customer: “Oh, am I supposed to fill that out?”


This story is part of the Customers-Causing-Recessions roundup!

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Nonplussed Customers

, , , | Right | February 10, 2011

Customer: “Something isn’t right with these two signs about the pears on sale. One says $1.00 for one pound, and the other says $10 for ten pounds. Which is it?”

Me: “Actually, ma’am, that’s the same thing.”

Customer: “Excuse me, but I actually went to college. I think I can do basic math.”

Me: “Let’s look at it this way. If it’s $1 for one pound, how much would three pounds be?”

Customer: “$3.”

Me: “Yep, and how much would five pounds be?”

Customer: “$5.”

Me: “Awesome. How much would ten pounds be?”

Customer: “$10.” *pause* “Those signs are misleading!” *storms off*


This story is part of our “Customers terrible at math” roundup!

Read the next “Customers terrible at math” roundup story!

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