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Happy Families

, , , | Related | February 6, 2013

(My little brother is about two at the time, and just starting to talk. He has learned the word ‘sister’ and that it means me. I’m fourteen years older than he is.)

Little brother: “You’re my big sister, sister.”

Me: “Yes, yes I am. If I’m your sister, what does that make you?”

(I’m hoping he’ll come up with the word brother.)

Little brother: “Happy.”


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Best Not To Exchange With Haters

, , , , , , | Right | December 11, 2012

(I’m a manager. I am ringing up a woman I have sold things to before. We are making small talk as I ring her up. Note: I’m a lesbian.)

Customer: “I can’t believe the president came out in support for gay marriage!”

Me: “I know; kind of unbelievable!”

Customer: “That f** lover is going to burn in Hell for that!”

Me: *biting my tongue* “Okay.”

(I finish ringing her up and hand the customer her bags.)

Customer: “They should round up all the gays and put them down.”

Me: “That would be bad for me, seeing as I am a lesbian.”

(The woman turns pale and walks out without saying a word. A few hours later, I get a call from the manager of another one of our stores. On the line, I can hear the same customer I previously sold items to ranting.)

Manager: *also a woman* “So, this woman is here wanting to exchange a bunch of stuff from your store. When I asked her what was wrong with the items, she said you tainted them; I have no idea what she is talking about. Could you maybe clear this up for me?”

Me: “Well, I bet it is because she found out I am gay.”

Manager: “I see.” *starts talking in sultry voice* “Well, I’ll see you tonight for our date. You should put on that that black lace bra and panty set I got you for your birthday! I love you!” *hangs up*

(I am very confused, seeing as I have never dated that manager, nor did she ever get me underwear, and as far as I know, she is not gay. Fast forward a few days later to the manager weekly conference call: apparently, the customer left the other store after thinking the other manager was also gay. That manager then called every other store in the area and told everyone about the customer. Over the next few days, the customer went to every store in a 20 mile radius trying to exchange the ‘tainted goods.’ Everyone she talked to pretended to be gay when working with her and she left every time. To my knowledge, she never got her exchange.)

 

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Monster Having A Ball

, , , , | Right | November 15, 2012

(I’m working as a sign waver for a popular Halloween-themed seasonal retail chain. Because of the theme, I’m dressed in costume. I’m approached by a pair of teenage girls, but because I’m a little guy, I’m shorter than they are.)

Girl #1: “Hey! What are you supposed to be?”

Me: “I’m a pumpkin ghoul.”

Girl #2: “Would you be mad if I pushed you over?”

Me: *taken aback* “I believe I would. Though, because I was summoned unwillingly into this world to advertise for [Halloween Chain], I am still a monster.”

Girl #1: “Okay, that’s creepy.”

(The two then run away as quickly as they could after exchanging uneasy looks.)

Me: *calling after them* “Have a happy Halloween!”


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Meow Amore Vole Fe Ya

, , , , , | Right | September 4, 2012

Client: “Help, my cat is pregnant and I have no idea what to do now!”

Coworker: “All right, do you have any unneutered male cats in the house, or is she an outdoor cat?”

Client: “Yes, I have two unneutered male cats in the house. Does it matter?”

Coworker: “Well, if you have unneutered male cats in the house, that is likely how she got pregnant.”

Client: “That’s impossible. My male cats are gay!”


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Just Plain Batty

, , , , | Right | July 17, 2012

(My friend used to own a comic book store in the local mall. I am a tall goth girl and am leaning against a book case reading a Japanese graphic novel.)

Customer’s Young Son: *tries to reach for a comic on the top shelf*

Me: “Here you go!” *hands him the comic* “Batman is my favorite super hero.”

(The young boy’s father approaches.)

Customer: “What they H*** do you think you’re doing talking to my son?! You’re trying to possess him with your evil!”

Me: “I was handing him a book.”

Customer: “Don’t lie to me! You were trying to convert him to worshiping the devil!”

Owner: “Is there a problem?”

Customer: “How dare you let devil worshipers hang around in your store?! She was trying to convert my son with this devil bat comic!”

Owner: “She handed him the comic. That is all, sir.”

Customer: “Don’t lie to me! You’re one of them aren’t you? You’re both in a cult together!” *to his son* “Son, we never go near these people again, do you hear me? I’ll tell everyone this store is evil!”

Me: “Sir, I’m actually an atheist and am offended that you would make such blind accusations based on my appearance.”

Customer: “Don’t tell me how to raise my son! God hates you!”

Owner: “Sir, I would like you to get out of my store and never return.”

Customer: “I can enter here if I want. It’s a free country, and you HAVE to serve me!”

Owner: *calmly* “You’re right, it is a free country, and as the owner of this shop, I have the freedom to tell you to get the f*** out or I’ll call the police.”

Customer: *grabs his son and leaves hastily*