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They’re Slippery Costumes To Get

, , , , | Right | September 23, 2015

(Earlier in the day on Halloween, we get a phone call.)

Caller: “Do you have any banana suits?”

Coworker: “Yes, ma’am, we have one left.”

Caller: “Can you hold it for me?”

Coworker: “No, not unless you buy it over the phone.”

Caller: “No, it’s fine. I’ll be there soon.”

(Later, I have just sold the last banana suit.)

Customer: “I called a bit ago about a banana suit.”

Me: “I’m very sorry, but we just sold our last one.”

Customer: “You guys said you had a banana suit. You should have held it for me.”

Me: “I’m sorry, we’re not allowed to hold costumes unless you buy them over the phone. Is there a different costume I can get you?”

Customer: “I didn’t think I’d need to! I’m not leaving here ’til I get a banana suit!”

Me: “Then you’re not leaving until next Halloween.”

(I just walked away, and my manager gave me a fist bump.)

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Will Not Lie Down On This Job

, , , , | Right | September 5, 2015

(I work in a polygraph office.)

Caller: “Do you do polygraphs for infidelity problems?”

Me: “Yes.”

Caller: “Do you charge money for them?”

Me: “Yes.”

(I can already see where this is going, but I remain professional.)

Caller: “Uhm, do you do the kind, where, uh…”

Me: “Maybe it would help if you could explain the situation to me.”

Caller: “Well… my brother’s wife wants him to take a polygraph for cheating on her and he knows he would fail. Do you do the ones where you just write up something and what do you charge?”

Me: “No, sir! That would be…”

Caller: “Illegal? They do ’em in Texas.”

Me: “Well, we don’t do ‘that kind’ and no polygrapher with professional standards would. It would be unethical.”

Caller: “But not illegal… right?”

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This Conversation Is Too Adult For You

, , | Learning | August 13, 2015

Instructor: “Okay, kids, it’s time to go meet moms and dads!”

Five-Year-Old: “My mommy isn’t here. Daddy is here with his adult friend.”

‘A’ As In Awesome

, , | Right | July 22, 2015

(I work in tech support, and am asking a caller his username. All is normal until…)

Caller: “That’s R as in Raygun, Z as in zombie…”

(I didn’t know what to say! Thank you caller for making my day!)

Doesn’t Want A Bilingual Girlfriend

, , , , , | Romantic | May 14, 2015

(While walking on campus, I make noises at a squirrel, who hears the sounds and runs up to me. I tell the guy I am dating about it and he dismisses me as crazy. The next day, we are going to see a play on campus. We park and step out of his car.)

Me: “Look! A squirrel!”

Boyfriend: *sarcastically* “Why don’t you talk to it, then?”

Me: “Okay, I will…”

(I make some chattering noises, and a squirrel across the lawn lifts his head, runs straight toward us, and stands up on his hind legs. I sit down slowly and look right at the squirrel’s face as he looks at me. Standing up, I play it cool, even though I am very surprised it worked, and turn to my boyfriend.)

Me: “Well, shall we go in, then?”

(His jaw was on the ground. The next day he called me and broke up with me for being “too weird.” Looking back, I should have dumped him first.)

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