Cashed In All Your Chips

, , , , , | Related | December 6, 2017

(I have quite the sweet tooth, though chocolate is my favorite. Because of this, my mother usually hides her chocolate chips for baking throughout the kitchen. This happens while I’m helping cook dinner.)

Mom: *opens cabinet* “Oh… [My Name], could you go see if there are any dirty dishes in the dining room?”

Me: “Already checked. There’s nothing.”

Mom: “…could you go see if the dog is trapped outside? I think I hear her barking.”

Me: “The dog’s sleeping on the couch.”

Mom: “…could you…”

Me: “Mom, I know you have a bag of chocolate chips hidden in the crock pot. I know where you hide all of the chocolate chips.”

Mom: “Wait, you do?”

(I proceed to point out a literal DOZEN different spots that chocolate chips are hidden in: behind the fridge, inside several pans, even a secret cupboard above the oven!)

Me: “Mom, you will never be able to hide the chocolate chips from me.”

Mom: “…”

Me: “It’s a sixth sense I have.”

(She still tries to hide the chocolate from me. I always find it.)

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Water You Worried About?

, , , , | Learning | December 6, 2017

(I am in math class during my sophomore year. One of my classmates has a gallon jug of water on the corner of her desk. A student bumps it and it breaks.)

Teacher: “What was that?”

Me: “[Student]’s water broke.”

(The class starts laughing as [Student] and I both turn bright red.)

Me: “The water bottle broke! The water bottle!”

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Your Attempt At Free Food In Freefall

, , , , , , | Right | November 18, 2017

(I’m working as a pizza delivery driver on a particularly busy night. I’m driving my mom’s minivan for work. On this run, I have to take three deliveries due to the volume of orders. I arrive at my third destination beyond the estimated time.)

Disgruntled Customer: “Well, this pizza’s pretty late. Don’t you think I should get it for free now?”

Me: “I’m not su—”

Disgruntled Customer: *in a voice a five-year-old would use to mock someone* “Ehehehe, I’m not sure.”

Me: “Well, sir, I’m not authorized to give out the food for free, so if you’d like to discuss it, I will need you to sign the receipt, and then you can talk with the general manager on the matter.”

Disgruntled Customer: “Yeah, I’ll do that. What took you so long, anyway?”

Me: “We are busy right now, so I had to take three deliveries at once, and yours just happened to be the last in the lineup.”

Disgruntled Customer: “I would think a delivery boy could come up with a better excuse than that. I’m giving you a tip, but I don’t know why, anyway.” *shoves the receipt in my face*

Me: “Thank you, sir. I do appreciate it.”

Disgruntled Customer: *slams door*

(I return to the restaurant and inform my GM that the man was upset and will be calling in to discuss getting a free meal, when my shift leader chimes in.)

Shift Leader: “Was it the guy from [address]?”

Me: “Yeah, that’s him.”

Shift Leader: “That guy’s always trying to get free food from us. He wanted his wings for free because we didn’t give him exactly even wings and drumsticks with his chicken.”

(Apparently, the guy would come up with excuses anytime he ordered to try and get his food for free. Since that instance though, I haven’t heard from him.)

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No One Knows The Top Notes

, , , , | Learning | September 19, 2017

(While in music class, we get off topic and begin discussing influential bands. To the surprise of no one, this turns into a conversation about the Beatles, arguably one of the most recognizable bands in history. However, it seems that one girl does not know who they are:)

Girl: “I have never heard of the Beatles…”

Teacher: “I have no idea how you have never even heard of their name. They recorded over 400 songs, so there has got to be a way you’ve heard at least one at some point in your life.”

Girl: “I don’t think so…”

Me: “Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr, George Harrison, John Lennon? Any of those names at all sound familiar?”

Girl: “No…”

Student #1: “They wrote ‘Here Comes the Sun’ and ‘Come Together.’ Those are pretty recognizable songs.”

Girl: “Doesn’t sound familiar.”

Student #1: “You gotta be f***ing kidding me here.”

Student #2: “Wait! [Girl], you’ve seen Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, right?”

Girl: “Of course!”

Student #2: “You know that scene where Ferris gets on that parade float and sings that song ‘Twist and Shout’? That’s a song by the Beatles!”

Girl: “Oh… I thought that was actually Matthew Broderick singing that…”

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Just Plain Batty

, , , , , | Right | July 17, 2012

(My friend used to own a comic book store in the local mall. I am a tall goth girl and am leaning against a book case reading a Japanese graphic novel.)

Customer’s Young Son: *tries to reach for a comic on the top shelf*

Me: “Here you go!” *hands him the comic* “Batman is my favorite super hero.”

(The young boy’s father approaches.)

Customer: “What they H*** do you think you’re doing talking to my son?! You’re trying to possess him with your evil!”

Me: “I was handing him a book.”

Customer: “Don’t lie to me! You were trying to convert him to worshiping the devil!”

Owner: “Is there a problem?”

Customer: “How dare you let devil worshipers hang around in your store?! She was trying to convert my son with this devil bat comic!”

Owner: “She handed him the comic. That is all, sir.”

Customer: “Don’t lie to me! You’re one of them aren’t you? You’re both in a cult together!” *to his son* “Son, we never go near these people again, do you hear me? I’ll tell everyone this store is evil!”

Me: “Sir, I’m actually an atheist and am offended that you would make such blind accusations based on my appearance.”

Customer: “Don’t tell me how to raise my son! God hates you!”

Owner: “Sir, I would like you to get out of my store and never return.”

Customer: “I can enter here if I want. It’s a free country, and you HAVE to serve me!”

Owner: *calmly* “You’re right, it is a free country, and as the owner of this shop, I have the freedom to tell you to get the f*** out or I’ll call the police.”

Customer: *grabs his son and leaves hastily*

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