Go Pee Or Feel The Bern

, , , , , , | Right | July 9, 2018

(I am a checker in a grocery store. I am working on our express lane when an older gentleman approaches, looking generally disgruntled.)

Me: “Hi, sir, how are you doing today?”

Customer: “I’m angry. I can’t believe your bathrooms are in the back of the store. I p**sed myself walking back there. I’m 80 years old, and I shouldn’t have to p**s my pants because your bathrooms are in the back instead of in the front.”

Me: *speechless*

Customer: “I’ll get arrested if I p**s in the bushes out front. Your store on [Other Street] has the bathrooms in the front. Why don’t you? That’s why I go to [Home Goods Store] and your other location. They have the bathrooms in the front.”

Me: “I do apologize, sir. I know it’s inconvenient, and it’s not how I would have designed it, but nobody asked me.”

Customer: “I know it’s not your fault. I blame the corporate bigwigs; they never think of the little guy. I’m about ready to vote for Bernie Sanders.”

(He continued on in this vein while I finished the transaction. I’m not sure what he expected me to do.)

Unfiltered Story #115225

, , | Unfiltered | June 25, 2018

(It was a relatively slow night, and I was doing some cleaning on the front end when the phone rang)

Me: Thank you for calling [store] this is [my name] how can I help you?

Caller: Yeah I dropped my brother off there a while ago and I’m back to pick him up, but I don’t want to go in. Can you page him for me?

Me: Umm… sure, I can do that. What’s your brother’s name?

Caller: Mike Hawk.

Me: Okay sure, hold one moment.

(I put the caller on hold, but realized I forgot the name, but knew it started with an M and was short, so I page for ‘Matt Hawk’ to come to the front because his brother was waiting. I told the caller who thanked me and hung up, and literally right after about 5 guys from our produce department came to make fun of me for falling for the classic prank. I’m just glad I didn’t actually page for ‘Mike Hawk’! – If you don’t get it, say it fast out loud. I was pretty embarrassed…)

Cashed In All Your Chips

, , , , , | Related | December 6, 2017

(I have quite the sweet tooth, though chocolate is my favorite. Because of this, my mother usually hides her chocolate chips for baking throughout the kitchen. This happens while I’m helping cook dinner.)

Mom: *opens cabinet* “Oh… [My Name], could you go see if there are any dirty dishes in the dining room?”

Me: “Already checked. There’s nothing.”

Mom: “…could you go see if the dog is trapped outside? I think I hear her barking.”

Me: “The dog’s sleeping on the couch.”

Mom: “…could you…”

Me: “Mom, I know you have a bag of chocolate chips hidden in the crock pot. I know where you hide all of the chocolate chips.”

Mom: “Wait, you do?”

(I proceed to point out a literal DOZEN different spots that chocolate chips are hidden in: behind the fridge, inside several pans, even a secret cupboard above the oven!)

Me: “Mom, you will never be able to hide the chocolate chips from me.”

Mom: “…”

Me: “It’s a sixth sense I have.”

(She still tries to hide the chocolate from me. I always find it.)

Water You Worried About?

, , , , | Learning | December 6, 2017

(I am in math class during my sophomore year. One of my classmates has a gallon jug of water on the corner of her desk. A student bumps it and it breaks.)

Teacher: “What was that?”

Me: “[Student]’s water broke.”

(The class starts laughing as [Student] and I both turn bright red.)

Me: “The water bottle broke! The water bottle!”

Your Attempt At Free Food In Freefall

, , , , , , | Right | November 18, 2017

(I’m working as a pizza delivery driver on a particularly busy night. I’m driving my mom’s minivan for work. On this run, I have to take three deliveries due to the volume of orders. I arrive at my third destination beyond the estimated time.)

Disgruntled Customer: “Well, this pizza’s pretty late. Don’t you think I should get it for free now?”

Me: “I’m not su—”

Disgruntled Customer: *in a voice a five-year-old would use to mock someone* “Ehehehe, I’m not sure.”

Me: “Well, sir, I’m not authorized to give out the food for free, so if you’d like to discuss it, I will need you to sign the receipt, and then you can talk with the general manager on the matter.”

Disgruntled Customer: “Yeah, I’ll do that. What took you so long, anyway?”

Me: “We are busy right now, so I had to take three deliveries at once, and yours just happened to be the last in the lineup.”

Disgruntled Customer: “I would think a delivery boy could come up with a better excuse than that. I’m giving you a tip, but I don’t know why, anyway.” *shoves the receipt in my face*

Me: “Thank you, sir. I do appreciate it.”

Disgruntled Customer: *slams door*

(I return to the restaurant and inform my GM that the man was upset and will be calling in to discuss getting a free meal, when my shift leader chimes in.)

Shift Leader: “Was it the guy from [address]?”

Me: “Yeah, that’s him.”

Shift Leader: “That guy’s always trying to get free food from us. He wanted his wings for free because we didn’t give him exactly even wings and drumsticks with his chicken.”

(Apparently, the guy would come up with excuses anytime he ordered to try and get his food for free. Since that instance though, I haven’t heard from him.)

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