Ink And You’ll Miss It

| Gainesville, FL, USA | Rude & Risque, School

(Our university has been around for a while. As such our mascot, Albert, has changed a bit over the years. I overhear an amusing conversation at a register next to me, the Sunday after a big win. Customer #1 is buying a shirt with the old-style Albert on it.)

Customer #2: “Man! The old style Albert is so lame looking!”

Customer #1: “Dude, what about the one on your butt?!”

Customer #2: “Oh, yeah!”

Coworker: *laughing* “Yeah, right.”

Customer #2: “Nope!”

(Customer #2 pulls down his pants just a bit, but at this time I can’t see it.)

Coworker: “I thought you were joking!”

(Customer #2 laughs and moves over to my register, as I’m now free.)

Coworker: “Wait, can I see that tattoo again?”

Customer #2: “Sure!”

(He pulls his pants down a bit again, and this time I can see the ‘old style’ Albert indeed tattooed on his butt.)

Customer #2: “Yeah, never get a tattoo while drunk.”

Not Exactly A Bright Spark

| CA, USA | Extra Stupid

(Through my high school years I had worked as a contractor. When I go to college I help pay my way through by being a maintenance worker in the dormitories. It is my very first week of work, and I receive a work order that the power is out in the wall opposite the entry door. I arrive at the apartment and the resident lets me in before returning to her room. I proceed to check every outlet in the room and find they are all working perfectly.)

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am, which wall was it that has no power? There seems to be a mix up in the description I received.”

Tenant: “Oh, it’s this one right here.”

(The tenant points to the wall that was described and tested first.)

Me: “Well, what kind of problems are you having with it? I tested it and the outlet on this wall seems to be working just fine.”

Tenant: “No, the outlet is not working. There is no power. See, look!”

(She flips the switch to the lamp that is plugged in up and down a few times.)

Tenant: “There’s no power!”

(I bend down to check under the lamp shade and see a clearly blackened bulb. Upon unscrewing it, it makes the distinctive rattle.)

Me: “Well, here is your problem: the bulb is dead.”

Tenant: “What do you mean it’s dead?!”

Me: “Well, the bulb is burnt out. I can get you a new one; it’s no problem.”

Tenant: “Well, how can you even tell?!”

Let’s Hope He’s All Talk And No Trousers

| MI, USA | Rude & Risque

(At my job, we plan and host events for a small private college community. I am manning the phones, and I get a call from a retired professor trying to order tickets to a popular event that had sold out the week before.)

Me: “I’m so sorry, sir, but tickets sold out last week. If you like, I can put you on a waiting list in case someone cancels their reservation.”

Retired Professor: “Sure, sweetheart, let’s do that. We can always cross our fingers and hope that someone dies.”

Me: “…That, too.”

Retired Professor: “So, if I get a call from you, I’ll put pants on and bring the check over to the office?”

Me: “Okay…”

Retired Professor: “Or, maybe I’ll forget the pants. At my age, pants are optional.”

Me: “I envy you.”

Retired Professor: *has a wheezing laugh attack* “I hope I cheered you up on this rainy Monday, sweetheart! Have a nice day!” *click*