Calling B.S. On Your B.S.

| Michigan, USA | Liars & Scammers, Top

Me: “Thank you for calling [university]. What can I help you with today?”

Caller: “Yes, hi. I would like to know how to be an alumni. Like, how do I get the alumni membership of this university?”

Me: “Well, ma’am, have you graduated from our university?”

Caller: “No.”

Me: “So you are still attending this university at the moment?”

Caller: “No. I just want the benefits. I can get money off on my insurance, but I need you to make me an alumni officially.”

Me: “Have you ever attended our university?”

Caller: *impatient* “No! Can you just tell me how to do this?”

Me: “Well, an alumni is someone who has graduated with an actual degree from the university. You cannot be an alumni unless you have graduated with a degree.”

Caller: *silent*

Me: “One of our degrees.”

Caller: *still silent*

Me: “Only graduates from our university can have our alumni benefits.”

Caller: “What?!”

Me: “You can’t be an alumni and have those benefits without graduating from here.”

Caller: “What? I just want it for insurance. How come you can’t understand this?!”

(This went on for another fifteen minutes before she gave up!)

Ph.Duh, Part 2

, | Grand Rapids, MI, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology, Top

(I work at the college IT department. One day, I get a phone call from a professor.)

Me: “Thank you for calling the help desk. How may we help you?”

Professor: “My computer is making a beeping sound. I can’t get it to stop. Can you send someone to fix it?”

Me: “Sure, I’ll be right over.”

(I arrive at the professor’s office.)

Professor: “I don’t understand why it is doing this. It has never done this before.”

(I notice a rather large book on top of his keyboard.)

Me: “Sir, you can’t leave objects on top of your keyboard. That is what causes the beeping.”

(I remove the book.)

Professor: *embarrassed* “Oh.”

(This professor is the department chair of the Computer Science division of the college. He has a Ph.D in Computer Science.)

Related:
Ph.Duh

Relatively Misspeaking

| London, UK | Uncategorized

Me: “Your next of kin is listed as your ‘cousin’s sister’?”

Student: “Yes.”

Me: “You do realize your cousin’s sister is still your cousin right?”

Student: “No, it’s my cousin’s sister.”

Me: “That’s still your cousin.”

Student: “No, it’s my first cousin’s sister!”

Social Notworking

, | Arizona, USA | Extra Stupid, Geography, School

Me: “Good morning! ASU Information.”

Caller: “Umm, yeah, hi. Where am I?”

Me: “You have reached the ASU information desk. How can I help you?”

Caller: “No. I mean, like, where am I?”

Me: “Could you be more specific please?”

Caller: “Dude, I don’t know where I am. Can you find me?”

Me: “Are there people near you?”

Caller: “Um, yeah.”

Me: “Do any of them know where you are?”

Caller: “How do I find that out?”

Me: “Walk up to one of them, smile, and ask them if they know where you are.”

Caller: “Okay, thanks!” *fumbling around, muffled talking, phone beeping* “You are so awesome; it worked! Thanks!”

Someone Has Major Issues

| New York City, NY, USA | School

(I’m a peer advisor at my college, which includes figuring out what the student is looking for to best service them before we send them to an advisor. This conversation happens about 4-5 times a month.)

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Student: “I want to talk to an advisor.”

Me: “Okay, about general education requirements or major requirements?”

Student: “Major requirements.”

Me: “Okay, for that you actually have to go to the major department and meet with an advisor there. We can only cover general education requirements here.”

Student: “But I want to speak to an advisor.”

Me: “Yeah, but for that you have to speak to someone in that department.”

Student: “Okay. Well, where is it?”

Me: “The department?”

Student: “That’s what I said.”

Me: “Well, what’s your major?”

Student: “Can I please just speak to an advisor?”

Me: “Well, I can’t help you figure out where that is until you tell me what your major is.”

Student: “I just want to talk to someone! Can’t I just see someone here?”

Me: “Well, like I said, we can only advise you on your general education requirements, so—”

Student: “Yes! That’s what I want to talk to someone about!”

Me: “Okay, let me sign you in. Someone will be with you in just a bit.”

(The student signs in and huffs off to a seat to wait. A coworker of mine takes the student after I’ve warned him about what happened. Less than a minute later, I see the student stomping out of our office. My coworker comes back to the front desk.)

Me: “Major requirements?”

Coworker: “Yup.”

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