(I’m at my university’s computer help desk and have just fixed a problem on a student’s laptop.)

Me: *To student.* “…okay, that should get you online.”

Student: “Great, thanks!”

(A random student passes by, seeing the laptop.)

Random Passerby: “Wow! That laptop is huge!”

Me: “Erm…”

Random Passerby: “I bet you could use it as a weapon to smash someone’s head in!”

Me: “Uhh…”

Student: “Erm…”

Random Passerby: *walks off*

Me: *To student.* “Well, I bet you didn’t know THAT about your laptop.”

(A student is dropping a computer off at our college’s IT desk for us to work on.)

Me: “Do you have an administrator password for this machine?”

Student: “Yes, it’s ‘Homer’.”

Me: “Like the author?”

Student: *blank stare*

Me: “…like Homer Simpson?”

Student: “Yeah!”

(A student calls in to the tech support line for our college’s online student records system.)

Student: “Yeah, I forgot my password, and the system is not accepting the information to set a new one.”

Me: “Okay, let me see if I can try it. Can I have your name, DOB, and SSN?”

Student: *gives me the info*

Me: “Hmm, it doesn’t appear to work for me either.”

(I look in our database for anything remotely close with his info, but nothing turns up.)

Me: “Sir, it looks as though you are not in our system. Did you even apply to our college?”

Student: “Yes! What kind of stupid question is that? I applied to [another university] over six months ago.”

Me: “Sir, what city and state do you take classes at?”

Student: “Omaha, Nebraska.”

Me: “Yeah, our college is located in Missouri. I think you have the wrong college.”

Student: “No, I think YOU have the wrong student!”

Me: “You called us, remember?”

Student: *click*

Student: “Yeah, there’s something wrong with my academic transcript.”

Me: “Oh, okay. What’s wrong with it?”

Student: “It’s got fails on it.”

(I start looking up his record on the database.)

Me: “Yeah, I can see the fails. Did you pass those subjects?”

Student: “No.”

Me: “Okay, so you failed the subjects, and now they’re on your record as fails. That’s normally how it works.”

Student: “Well, yeah… but can’t you, like, take them off? It looks bad!”

Me: “…”

Student: “How am I going to get a job?!”

Caller: “I’m having trouble registering for courses.”

Me: “Okay, let me direct you to some tutorials available on the main website so we can walk through that process. You can either view these tutorials as a module demonstration or you can click ‘Download PDF’ to view a written tutorial with pictures and steps. Go ahead and click on ‘Download PDF.'”

Caller: “Woah, wait a minute. Why is there a white arrow moving around on my screen?”

Me: “Well, whenever you move your mouse you’ll see a white arrow move around on the screen. Is that what you are referring to?”

Caller: “Ooh… ”

Me: “Okay, well, let’s go to the… ”

Caller: “Oh, my gosh, make it stop! Make it stop! Why is it adding me to courses I don’t want! I don’t want [Course]. I don’t want it! Why is it doing this!? Please, please make it stop!”

Me: “It’s okay. It’s just a demonstration to show you how the registration process works. It’s not actually adding you to those courses.”

Caller: “Ooh.”

Me: “What courses did you want to register for? I’m just going to go ahead and submit those registration requests for you…”