(I’m a librarian in a university library. It’s almost 5 PM and I’m getting ready to go home.)

Student: “Hi, I have a research paper and I don’t know how to find sources for it.”

Me: “Okay, what’s your topic?”

Student: “It’s [topic].”

Me: “That one might be tough to find a lot of information on. When is the paper due?”

Student: “Midnight.”

(While waiting for his to-go food to arrive, a customer is making small talk with me about college.)

Customer: “So, what are you studying in school?”

Me: “Psychology, sir.”

Customer: “Why? That’s a stupid profession. You won’t go anywhere with that! All you’re doing is wasting Daddy’s money!”

Me: “Actually, sir, I am pay—”

Customer: “My daughter studied Psychology! She wasted all my money!”

Me: “Sir, I’m paying for my own college.”

Customer: “Dads always pay for college!”

Me: “Mine isn’t. I live alone and pay for my own schooling.”

Customer: “Whatever. Dads always pay!”

(I’m trying to translate a poem for my class the next day, but it’s proving difficult.)

Me: “Ugh! I just can’t do it! Man, I must be stupid.”

Boyfriend: “Aw, it’s okay.”

Me: “Shouldn’t that be, ‘No, you’re not’?”

Boyfriend: “No.”

(A student comes in to the Registrar’s office to pick up a transcript. After discovering that she never placed an order, I tell her to place the order so that it will be ready in the afternoon. After checking the system over the course of several hours and not seeing the order, I call the student.)

Me: “Yes, I see you still have not placed your order.”

Student: “I placed it hours ago!”

Me: “Uh oh, I hope something is not wrong with our system. Did you get confirmation that the order went through?”

Student: “Yes! I still have it up right here on my screen. It says right here: ‘Transaction Failed’!”

(My boyfriend and I are cuddling and kissing each other. I decide to be a little more daring.)

Me: “Baby, I love the way you taste.”

Him: “Well, you better! Because, I’ve only one flavor!”