Caller: “I’m having trouble registering for courses.”

Me: “Okay, let me direct you to some tutorials available on the main website so we can walk through that process. You can either view these tutorials as a module demonstration or you can click ‘Download PDF’ to view a written tutorial with pictures and steps. Go ahead and click on ‘Download PDF.'”

Caller: “Woah, wait a minute. Why is there a white arrow moving around on my screen?”

Me: “Well, whenever you move your mouse you’ll see a white arrow move around on the screen. Is that what you are referring to?”

Caller: “Ooh… ”

Me: “Okay, well, let’s go to the… ”

Caller: “Oh, my gosh, make it stop! Make it stop! Why is it adding me to courses I don’t want! I don’t want [Course]. I don’t want it! Why is it doing this!? Please, please make it stop!”

Me: “It’s okay. It’s just a demonstration to show you how the registration process works. It’s not actually adding you to those courses.”

Caller: “Ooh.”

Me: “What courses did you want to register for? I’m just going to go ahead and submit those registration requests for you…”

Caller: “Yeah, I wanna come take the test to get into [trade college]. How I get there?”

Me: “Well, sir, where are you coming from?”

Caller: “Huh?”

Me: “Where are you located?”

Caller: “What?”

Me: “You are going to be coming here FROM somewhere. Where will you be coming FROM?”

Caller: “Oh. Um, [town west of Chicago].”

Me: “Okay, that’s very easy. We are right off the expressway.”

Caller: “Huh?”

Me: “We are right off the expressway. You take [expressway] west…”

Caller: “Huh? Suspretsway?”

Me: “EXPRESSWAY. You drive your car on it to get places. So you take the expressway west and get off the Wisconsin freeway junction…”

Caller: “Huh? Junction?”

Me: “Yes, the EXPRESSWAY meets up with another EXPRESSWAY at a JUNCTION and then you get on the Wisconsin….”

Caller: “Huh? West Carl Street?”

Me: “WISCONSIN. Like the state that is directly north of us.”

Caller: “…”

Me: “Sir?”

Caller: “Huh?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, you are too dumb to take the test.” *click*

(A mother is worriedly telling me her daughter wants to graduate, but may be past the deadline to apply to do so.)

Mom: “She was planning to graduate early, instead of in the Spring! Now you’re telling me she can’t do that?”

Me: “Well, it’s October already, and there is a lot of preparation involved. She wanted to graduate in January ’09 instead of May?”

Mom: “No, she wants to graduate January ’08!”

Me: “… That’s in the past, ma’am.”

Mom: “Oh, fine! Well, whatever technical time you go by!”

Me: “Thank you for calling tech support. May I have your university user name?”

Caller: “What’s a user’s name?”

Me: “Oh… well, how are you affiliated with [University]?

Caller: “It’s what came up on my screen.”

Me: “Okay… well, I’m sorry, but this help desk is only for students, staff, and faculty of our university.”

Caller: “But the page said to call!”

Me: “Yes. If you’re in any way affiliated with us we’d be happy to help you, but this service is for students, staff, and faculty.

Caller: “But it didn’t say that; it just said to call!”

Me: “Well, I apologize, but you can’t just call any number on the Internet and expect support!”

Caller: “Well, why not?!” *hangs up*

Female student: *runs through the university library lobby wearing only a string bikini top, hot pants, and loud flip-flops*

Coworker: “I guess she’s in a hurry.”

Me: “Maybe somebody found her shirt…”