(I work in the financial aid department of a private Christian college.)
Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [University] today. How may I help you?”
Caller: “Yes, I’d like to complain about a late charge on my daughter’s bill. It shouldn’t be there.”
Me: “All right, give me just one moment while I pull up your daughter’s account. I see that payment was not received until a week after the due date.”
Caller: “I know, but I shouldn’t be charged a late fee.”
Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but our late fee policy was explained to you when you enrolled in our payment program and is also printed on the bottom of your monthly statements.”
Caller: “But you’re still a Christian university, right?”
Me: “Yes, sir, but to avoid late charges you must pay your bill on time.”
Caller: “Nonsense. The Bible talks about this. Y’all are supposed to be Christians!”
This story is part of our Biblically Bonkers roundup!
Caller: “Hi, I live across the street from you guys on [street name], and there is a lot of litter on your property near where I live. I’m feeling very threatened by it! It’s bringing the property values down and attracting the wrong kind of people.”
Me: “Okay, I’ll call Buildings and Grounds and have them go out and check for it.”
Caller: “Thank you, because it’s really threatening!”
Me: “Not a problem, ma’am.”
(The caller hangs up and I call over to Buildings and Grounds, who agrees to look into it. Immediately after I hang up with them, my phone starts ringing again.)
Me: “Campus Security, this is [My Name].”
Caller: “Hi, it’s me again. I just called you.”
Me: “Yes, ma’am. I called Buildings and Grounds and they’re going out to look for the litter.”
Caller: “Oh, good. I just called to tell you that there’s a group of little people out there and I think they might be responsible for the litter.”
Me: “…little people?”
Caller: “Yeah, there’s a big group of them. It’s a problem!”
Me: “Alright, ma’am. I will go out and see what’s up.”
(When I arrive at the location, what do I find? Teachers, parents, and a videographer watching a group of kids foraging through the grass: it was an Easter egg hunt by the on-campus daycare center.)
Caller: “I need to report a very serious computer crime! The local university is running an illegal computer system!”
Me: “Could you please repeat that?”
Caller: “The local university is running an illegal computer system! They’ve hacked it!”
Me: “How could you tell they’d hacked it?”
Caller: “Well, when it booted, it didn’t say Windows or Microsoft or anything! It said something about Deviant Linux, I think, and the main screen looked nothing like my good, legal Windows screen at home! I think they hacked that, too!”
Me: “Do you mean Debian Linux?”
Caller: “Yes, that! Is it some sort of computer mafia or something?”
Me: “Uh, no, it’s just a different operating system. Nothing to worry about.”
Caller: “But it’s illegal! It’s not Microsoft, not even Windows! They’re on a normal Microsoft computer, so they’re breaking the law! I think they stole my identity when I came in the building! I’m calling the FBI!” *hangs up*
