(I have just signed up for two classes at my local community college. I go to the first class, Blacksmithing. There is one girl in the class other than the teacher’s assistant, so we end up working together. At my next class, Fiction Writing, I see the same girl I worked with a few days earlier and decide to sit at the same table. I am 6’8″, with naturally red hair and a beard, so I’m not exactly a master ninja.)

Me: “Hey!”

Girl: “Hi.”

(She looks at me slightly funny, but doesn’t say much else for a while. After a chunk of time in the class, the girl suddenly looks at me with surprise.)

Girl: “Wait, you were in blacksmithing, weren’t you?”

Me: “Yeah, we worked on the same forge.”

Girl: “Oh! I didn’t recognize you at first.”

(We talk for a while during class and ended up exchanging Skype information to chat outside of class. I get her address, and on Saturday I pick her up and we head to the mall for a couple of hours and then we part ways. The following Sunday, which is also Valentine’s Day, we’re in a group chat on Skype.)

Friend #1: “Happy singles awareness day!”

(After about an hour of them teasing the girl, I get a message from her in a separate window.)

Girl: “Maybe you should hold off on telling your friends about us until the others shut up, lol.”

(It is at this point I realize that I had been asked out by the girl, but had been completely oblivious! We have a good laugh about it, and we have been dating for over two and a half years.)

This story is part of our Valentine’s Day roundup!

Read the next Valentine’s Day roundup story!

Read the Valentine’s Day roundup!

(I’m in a college bookstore looking for used textbooks. I’ve already got one textbook when I’m approached by another customer. Note: I’m female, and the other customer is male.)

Customer: “Hey! You took the book I need!”

Me: “Oh, there are other copies on the shelf.”

Customer: “That’s the cheapest used copy! I saw it earlier and I was coming back for it!”

Me: “Umm… well, I’m sorry if I seem unsympathetic, but why didn’t you just buy it earlier?”

Customer: “Because, I was running late for class! Now, give it!” *holds out his hand*

Me: “Umm… no. I’m sorry, but I’m purchasing this book because I need it for my own classes. There are other copies, so…”

Customer: *stomps his foot* “You give me that book and you give it right now! No girl can ever understand that subject, anyway!”

(Overhearing the commotion, an employee walks up.)

Employee: “Is there a problem?”

Me: “It’s no big deal. I just grabbed this copy of the textbook, and for some reason he doesn’t want to grab one of the other ones on the shelf.”

Employee: “I wasn’t asking you.” *to the male customer* “What’s going on?”

Customer: “She took the cheapest used copy of that textbook. Girls are too r*****ed to understand that subject, so she can’t have that book! Tell her to give it to me NOW!”

Employee: *to me* “He’s right. That subject is awfully hard, you know. Much too hard for girls. Shouldn’t you take the intro class?”

Me: “First, I already have taken the intro class. Second, I don’t find it that difficult to understand, just fascinating. Third, I want to talk to your manager!”

Employee: “No. Just hand over the book, little girl.”

Me: *rolling eyes* “Toodles, boys. You’re not worth my time…”

(I went to the register and was rung through by another young man who was much more polite. He *did* call the manager for me, and I explained the situation. The manager called the employee over and fired him on the spot. When he saw the other customer, it turned out that guy worked in the store, too, and he was also fired.)

(I am sitting in the cafeteria of our community college. A guy sits down next to me, and we hit it off immediately. He very quickly becomes my boyfriend. Later on, we discuss how we met.)

Boyfriend: “Well, honestly, I knew I wanted to talk to you the first day I saw you.”

Me: “The first day you saw me? You mean you waited a few days and just watched me? That’s totally creepy!”

Boyfriend: “It’s not like I’m a stalker!”

Me: “You were totally a stalker!”

Boyfriend: “No! Stalkers are gross, creepy guys who watch girls. I was a secret admirer.”

Me: “So, you’re saying that secret admirers are just attractive stalkers?”

(I’m a tour guide for a private college in the North Georgia mountains in a town of 9,000 people. It’s not the biggest city, but it’s the biggest within about fifty miles. A married couple from Atlanta comes to visit the college.)

Man: *nervously* “How do people typically adjust to living in the middle of nowhere?”

Me: “I actually think it’s peaceful here in the mountains, and I’ve never heard anyone say they miss the traffic.”

(At this point, the couple sees a small green spider on the roof of the golf cart and literally jumps out of the stopped vehicle.)

Me: “Aw, he won’t hurt y’all.”

(The man hesitates three times before finally squishing the spider with his handkerchief. He cautiously climbs back in.)

Woman: “Do you have any… mountain lions here?”

Me: *in an exaggerated southern drawl* “Ain’t seen many mountain lions ’round these parts, far as I reckon.”

Man: “What about bears?”

Woman: “Panthers?”

Me: “I’m pretty sure the most we have up here is foxes and coyotes.”

(The woman gasps like she might have a heart attack while the man’s eyes get very wide. I do my best to assure them that these animals are harmless to humans and that they will likely never see on campus, and continue with the tour.)

Woman: “How far is civilization from here?”

Me: “Well, the city is the county seat, and there’s lots to do and see downtown, and plenty of options for shopping and dining.”

Man: “Is there a Walmart anywhere near here?”

Me: “About a ten-minute drive.”

Couple: *in unison* “HALLELUJAH! CIVILIZATION!”

(My girlfriend is playing ‘Skyrim’ while I watch. She’s not very good at the game and dies quite a bit. She is getting swarmed with zombies in the game, and is about to use the game’s trademark power, called ‘fus ro dah’.)

Her character: “Fus Ro D—”

(A zombie kills her.)

Girlfriend: “DANGIT!”

(I’m trying to hold back snickers as she glares at me.)

Girlfriend: “What? You keep snickering like that and I’m going to make you sleep on the couch.”

(I can’t help it and start laughing.)

Girlfriend: “That’s it! Couch for you tonight! You can dream of getting arrows in the knee and not being able to be an adventurer with me tonight!”

Me: “Fus Ro Dangit!”