(I am a college freshman.)

Me: “So, I joined the fencing team last week. It’s hard, but it’s a lot of fun.”

Mom: “Ooh, I fenced in college! I was never that good. Which weapon?”

Me: “I never knew that. Since I just came off the soccer season and I’m actually in shape, they put me in sabre. It’s fun!”

Mom: *mournfully* “My daughter is a barbarian. How inelegant.”

Dad: *beams* “That’s my little hack-n-slasher!”

Me: “Thank you for calling [college]. How can I direct your call?”

Caller: “Hi, I’m looking for a student.”

Me: “Certainly. Do you have the student’s name?”

Caller: “I met them at an event at our church and wanted to talk to them about what they’re studying.”

Me: “That seems quite reasonable. If you give me their name, I can either route your call to their dorm room, or leave them a message in their student mailbox.”

Caller: “Well, I didn’t catch their name. Are there a lot of students there? Could I describe them to you?”

Me: “We have about 1400 students, but I do know most of them in dorm, so we can give it a try.”

Caller: “Okay. They’re Asian.”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, but roughly half of our student population is of Chinese descent. I’m afraid that doesn’t really narrow it down much.”

Caller: “Oh. They’re male?”

Me: “Sorry, that’s still a large percentage of our student body.”

Caller: “They’re studying the Bible.”

Me: “This is a Bible college, so I’m afraid that doesn’t narrow it down at all.”

Caller: “Is there a way that you could just announce over a speaker or something, that someone is looking to speak with a student that was at [church name] this past Sunday?”

Me: “No, ma’am, I’m sorry. I can’t interrupt classes to do that.”

Caller: “Oh, okay.” *click*

(I am away at school. I call home in tears, which usually means I’ll ask for my mother. She is away, so my dad is doing his best to calm me down.)

Dad: “Look, don’t sweat the petty things. And don’t pet the sweaty things, either!”

(It’s hard to be depressed when you’re laughing!)

(I am chatting with my thirteen-year-old cousin about college. I am at a very prestigious university; she, however, is very immature, and does not care about academics. Therefore, the following conversation is surprising.)

Cousin: “So, how’s college? Academically speaking?”

Me: “A lot harder than anything before it was.”

Cousin: “Can you say that in a long sentence?”

Me: “Why?”

Cousin: “Just because.”

Me: *showing off* “Okay, is this long enough for you? College is proving much more academically challenging, and thereby stimulating, than were my previous years of study. The inclusion of the grade curve, diminished amount of assignments, and higher-level performance expected all contribute to the grade deflation common to such schools.”

Cousin: “Anything else you’d like to say about college? Just do it, I’ll explain in a second.”

Me: “I’ve got lots more free time but that doesn’t mean I can just waste it doing nothing because I have so much to study for. I have to actually be careful and manage my money much as I’d like to buy a ton of junk food.”

(There is a long pause. Suddenly, I receive an email, which has also been sent to my aunt, brother, and best friend…)

(I immediately began the damage control!)

(My boyfriend and I just started dating, but with some not so serious ground rules. We’re at separate universities, so I send a daily ‘have a good day’ text.)

Boyfriend: “Thank you, boo. But if you really want me to have a good day, then send me a picture of you.”

Me: “Remember our deal. Once a week! And I sent you three just a couple of days ago.”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, we need new ground rules. Rule number one, rules are subject to change. Rule two, no arguing with my nomothetic approach.”

Me: “I’m sending you a picture just because you used ‘nomothetic.’”