(I have been dating my boyfriend for almost a year. Every few weeks, some of my senior friends like to kidnap me, feed me pixie sticks, and take me out to amuse them. This usually ends up with me forgetting everything that happened that night. The next morning he calls me to make sure I am okay.)

Me: “Good morning.”

Boyfriend: “So you survived! How was your night out?”

Me: “It was great! I had pixie sticks and we went to dinner, then I forgot what happened. But I wound up in my own bed this morning so all is well.”

Boyfriend: “That sounds nice, but you’re not allowed to go out without me anymore.”

Me: “Why not?”

Boyfriend: “Would you happen to have all your clothes on this morning?”

Me: “Huh? Why do you-” *suddenly realize I am missing my bra* “Oh, God!”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, because I found your bra stapled to my door when I got up, and I thought you might want it back.”

(At my job, we plan and host events for a small private college community. I am manning the phones, and I get a call from a retired professor trying to order tickets to a popular event that had sold out the week before.)

Me: “I’m so sorry, sir, but tickets sold out last week. If you like, I can put you on a waiting list in case someone cancels their reservation.”

Retired Professor: “Sure, sweetheart, let’s do that. We can always cross our fingers and hope that someone dies.”

Me: “…That, too.”

Retired Professor: “So, if I get a call from you, I’ll put pants on and bring the check over to the office?”

Me: “Okay…”

Retired Professor: “Or, maybe I’ll forget the pants. At my age, pants are optional.”

Me: “I envy you.”

Retired Professor: *has a wheezing laugh attack* “I hope I cheered you up on this rainy Monday, sweetheart! Have a nice day!” *click*

(I work at my University’s call center, soliciting donations from alumni. We are required to update alums on school news. I’m describing the new biology building to one alum.)

Alum: “Can I use it?”

Me: “The building? Well, it is mainly for current students and faculty, but you are always welcome for a guided tour.”

Alum: “I want to clone my parrot.”

Me: “Pardon me, what was that?”

Alum: “My parrot. It died. But I saved its body in my freezer. I want to clone it.”

Me: “Ma’am, even if alumni were able to use the building, our facility does not have the equipment necessary to clone your parrot.”

Alum: “No! You don’t understand! It was exceptional; it would stack rings and cups for hours. I want you to clone it.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m actually a biology major, and I assure you, we cannot clone your parrot.”

Alum: “Well, I’m going to contact the Biology Department. They’ll be more helpful than you are!”

(I’ve always wondered if she did, and if so, what they thought of the request!)

(My boyfriend is a gentleman and always opens doors for me, and was brought up to believe that a man should open doors for a woman, and not the other way around. I was brought up to hold the door open for people if you get there first, but whenever I do, he teases me about being the manly one.)

Me: *waiting for him to open the door* “Sorry, I refuse to open doors for you anymore, since last time you stripped me of my womanhood.”

Boyfriend: “Yes, because if you open the door for me, you’re being the man.”

Me: “But doesn’t calling me the man bother you? Because that makes you the woman!”

Boyfriend: “Nope, we’re a gay couple.”

Me: *laughing* “Oh, really? Well then, I guess I wear the pants!”

Boyfriend: *shrugs* “I’m good with wearing no pants.”

(8:20 PM)

Me: “Hi, do you know when the music practice room will be next available?”

Clerk: “Should be available at 9:17.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll be back then.”

(I return to my dorm to grab a mirror & my music, since I need to practice singing some opera pieces & conducting a piece by Haydn.)

(8:59 PM)

(I return to the front desk, lean the mirror against it, and stand there waiting to the side.)

Clerk: “Can I help you?”

Me: “No, I’m fine. I’m just waiting for the practice room. Is there anyone else waiting for it?”

Clerk: “Oh, no I don’t think so. But you can’t stand here at the desk. You’re in the way. You need to stand back.”

(There is clearly no one else in the lobby. Not wanting trouble I comply.)

Me: “Okay, fine.”

(I move a few feet away to the other side of the desk. Twenty minutes pass while I’m waiting to see if the person will return from the practice room without me having to kick them out. The whole time, I’m very visibly waiting a few feet away from the desk, in full view of the desk clerk. It’s just past time and I am about to go up to the desk when another student jumps in front of me to speak to her, but I don’t catch what is said. Suspicious, I step forward to speak to the clerk immediately after.)

Me: “Excuse me, but the practice room is still available, yes? Can I go get them out now?”

Clerk: “Oh, sorry, someone has already claimed the room.”

Me: “What?! That girl just now? But you knew I’ve been waiting here!”

Clerk: “Yeah, but it’s first come first serve. Not my problem.”

Me: “I was actually here first, if you could remember correctly.”

Clerk: “Well it’s not my job to remember things for you.”

Me: “First of all that doesn’t make sense, of course I remember I was here first. I don’t ‘need’ you to do it for me. But that doesn’t matter; since you’re supposed to be managing the practice room, it is kind of your job.”

Clerk: “Well, maybe if you’d been here earlier you would have gotten the room. It’s not my problem.”

Me: “I was here earlier, I’ve been standing in front of you the whole time. Don’t tell me you didn’t notice.”

Clerk: “Well, it’s not my fault you have a forgettable face. Maybe you should dye your hair or something.”

(I ended up having to wait another 90 minutes before the other girl finally left. What was she practicing? Britney Spears mashups. Out-of-tune.)