(The professor has just finished a lecture involving the vanara, a race of monkey-like semi-divine beings in an Indian religion. One student is frowning and clearly upset.)

Professor: “Ah, [student]? Do you have a question?”

Student: “I don’t know. Do people, like, actually believe in this stuff?”

Professor: “…What?”

Student: “I mean, it’s so ridiculous! People don’t actually believe this is real, right? So stupid.”

Professor: “Well, all right. You’re a Christian, aren’t you?”

Student: *proudly* “Yes, I am!”

Professor: “Do you interpret the Bible literally?”

Student: “Of course I do!”

Professor: “Well, there are plenty of things in the Bible that seem ridiculous or impossible as well, and yet you believe in those. I think it’s a little unfair to treat Hinduism — or Hindus — any differently.”

Student: “That’s completely different!”

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Professor: “So now we’re going to learn about existentialism.”

(The microphone makes a hideous screeching sound.)

Professor: “My microphone doesn’t like this. I guess it’s not an atheist.”

(I work in a college residence. The Internet is down for the day so the college can upgrade their systems.)

Me: “How may I help you?”

Student: “Hi. My Internet isn’t working.”

Me: “Unfortunately, the entire system is down for the day.”

Student: “When will it be up? If it won’t be for a while, I’ll need to go to a library or something.”

Me: “I’ve been hearing 8 pm, but I could transfer you to IT and they can give you more exact update.”

(At this point I realize that I don’t know where to find the number without access to our files, which are stupidly hosted on the server.)

Me: “Oh, I don’t have the number handy at the moment; however, I know that extensions are listed on the college website if you’d like to look there.”

Student: *laughs nervously*

Me: “Well that has to be the stupidest thing I’ve said in a while. I am so sorry!”

Student: “It’s okay. We all have those moments!”

Student: “My professor wants me to use [Business Database] for my homework, but he said I have to use it in the library. I want to know how I can use it from home.”

Me: “Unfortunately, that database can only be used within the library at those two computers over there. They’re in use right now, so you should wait over there until one is available.”

Student: *rolls eyes* “No, you’re not listening. I want to use it from home.”

Me: “I understand it’s not as convenient, but we are not able to offer it outside of the library. You need to use it here, just like your professor said.”

Student: *speaking very slowly* “I do not want to use it in the library. I have Internet at home and I want to use this database from my home. Please show me how to log on from home to use this database.”

Me: “Let me see if I understand your question. You have to use [Business Database] for your homework. It is more convenient to do that from home, so you would like to use your library card to log on from home and use the database there. Is that your question?”

Student: “Finally! Yes, that’s it.”

Me: “We are able to do that with some databases, but not every database. The company that created that database has the right to restrict how and where we provide it to our users. They only allow us to have two dedicated computers with that database on it, and it must be used within the library. You cannot use it from home. We wish you could, but you can’t. Also, because there are only two computers available, there is sometimes a wait for them, so don’t leave your homework until the last minute as you might not be able to get on the computers right away. If you would like to wait over there by the dedicated terminals, I will come over and show you how to use it when it’s your turn.”

(There’s a long pause as all of this sinks in for the student. Suddenly, they yell back at me.)

Student: “Well, you don’t have to be such a b**** about it! God!” *storms off*

Professor: “The people in Looking Backwards wouldn’t say things like, ‘Only good people drive Cadillacs.'”

Student: “If you’ve ever been stuck behind an Escalade, you know that’s not true anyway.”