(This takes place in our college library.)

Me: “Could I help you find something?”

Patron: “Yeah, I’m looking for a book.”

Me: “We have lots of books here. Is there anything particular you’re looking for?”

Patron: “Yeah — Tuesdays With Morrie. Do you have it?”

Me: “Well, if you sit at one of the computers, I can show you how to use our system and we can look it up.”

Patron: “Never mind, I’ll just look around.”

(A few minutes pass, then he walks up to me again.)

Patron: “I couldn’t find it. Do you have Tuesdays with Morrie?”

Me: “I can show you how to look at our system and see if we have it.”

Patron: *angry* “I didn’t come to college to learn anything!”

Me: “Sir, I don’t think I can help you.”

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(I am working my shift at the dorm security desk when one of the building’s residents walks up.)

Resident: “Ow! I just burnt myself.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. How did you burn yourself?”

Resident: “I licked the flame part of a lighter.”

Me: “What?! Why?!”

Resident: “I wanted to see what it would taste like. I knew it would be hot, but I wanted to know what KIND of hot… Like, maybe it would be SPICY hot.”

Me: “…”

Resident: “Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.”

This story is part of the Spicy roundup!

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(I’m at my university’s computer help desk and have just fixed a problem on a student’s laptop.)

Me: *To student.* “…okay, that should get you online.”

Student: “Great, thanks!”

(A random student passes by, seeing the laptop.)

Random Passerby: “Wow! That laptop is huge!”

Me: “Erm…”

Random Passerby: “I bet you could use it as a weapon to smash someone’s head in!”

Me: “Uhh…”

Student: “Erm…”

Random Passerby: *walks off*

Me: *To student.* “Well, I bet you didn’t know THAT about your laptop.”

(A student is dropping a computer off at our college’s IT desk for us to work on.)

Me: “Do you have an administrator password for this machine?”

Student: “Yes, it’s ‘Homer’.”

Me: “Like the author?”

Student: *blank stare*

Me: “…like Homer Simpson?”

Student: “Yeah!”

(A student calls in to the tech support line for our college’s online student records system.)

Student: “Yeah, I forgot my password, and the system is not accepting the information to set a new one.”

Me: “Okay, let me see if I can try it. Can I have your name, DOB, and SSN?”

Student: *gives me the info*

Me: “Hmm, it doesn’t appear to work for me either.”

(I look in our database for anything remotely close with his info, but nothing turns up.)

Me: “Sir, it looks as though you are not in our system. Did you even apply to our college?”

Student: “Yes! What kind of stupid question is that? I applied to [another university] over six months ago.”

Me: “Sir, what city and state do you take classes at?”

Student: “Omaha, Nebraska.”

Me: “Yeah, our college is located in Missouri. I think you have the wrong college.”

Student: “No, I think YOU have the wrong student!”

Me: “You called us, remember?”

Student: *click*