Me: “Hi. Were you the one who needed help with the copier?”

Student: “Yes! I don’t understand what’s wrong, but it just won’t copy! None of them will!”

Me: “Okay, let’s see; did you swipe your ID to enable printing?”

Student: “Yes! Here, I’ll do it again.”

(She swipes her card and I immediately see the problem.)

Me: “Oh, you have insufficient funds.”

Student: “But what does that mean?”

Me: “Well, it means you don’t have enough money on the card to print anything. You can add money at that kiosk over there.”

Student: “But I have dining dollars!”

Me: “Were you planning to eat the copies?”

Student: “What? No! That’s ridiculous!”

Me: “Then why would you think you can use your dining dollars to print them?”

(It’s finals time. There’s a sign in the library reading: “NO EXCESSIVE NOISE OR PHONE USE – POLICY STRICTLY ENFORCED.” A student comes in talking on her phone.)

Student: “…but that’s not ’til Tuesday, so I’m like, f*** that, I’m just going to— OWWW!”

Head Librarian: “And there’s more where that came from if you can’t be quiet, missy!”

(I go up to check out a book and see a giant box of rubber bands behind the desk.)

Me: “Are you… are you shooting those at students?”

Head Librarian: “Yep! I’ve been practicing in my spare time. [Other Librarian] and I are keeping score.”

This story is part of the People Who Should Get Off Their Phones roundup!

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(Our professor is unusually strict about using technology for non-school stuff in class.)

Professor: “[Student], I know you’re using your phone in class and it’s very disrespectful.”

Student: “I’m not on my phone.”

Professor: “Well, you’re staring at your lap, your arms are moving, and you’re laughing. Either you’re looking at something funny on your phone or you’re doing something far more inappropriate during my lecture. Either way, please stop.”

(I’m walking into the empty classroom while I’m on the phone with my mother. Class doesn’t start for 30 minutes. The professor walks by the room and stops in the doorway to stare at me for several minutes.)

Me: “Yeah, mom I’m glad you’re out of the hospital.”

Professor: “Excuse me!”

(The professor runs into the room and slams her textbook down on the desk next to me, knocking over my coffee so that it spills all over me, my books, and my laptop. Jumping up, I tell my mom I’d call her right back.)

Me: “What on Earth—”

Professor: “You are not supposed to use cellphones in class.”

(I look around the otherwise empty classroom and then at the clock. I still have 20 minutes until class starts. I try mopping the coffee up off my laptop with my jacket while talking to her.)

Me: “Um… I’m not in class right now. No one is in here so I wasn’t disturbing anyone.”

Professor: “That’s a lie. You’re in my class right now! You’re disturbing ME.”

Me: “But I—”

Professor: “The only thing you get to say is ‘sorry’ or I’ll withdraw you from my class and press for your dismissal from this school. Do you think you’re better than everyone else missy? You don’t have to follow the rules, is that it?”

(As she says this, her phone rings. She holds a finger up, turns around, and answers it. She speaks to the person on the phone for a minute then turns back to me once she hangs up.)

Me: “So no cell phones in class, huh?”

Professor: *turning red* “That was different. It was my boss!”

(Her boss, the Dean of Mathematics, walks by the room at the same time. He pokes his head in.)

Dean: “What did I do?”

(The professor turns nine kinds of red and doesn’t say anything.)

Me: “She was just telling me that cell phone use in an otherwise empty classroom is an offense worthy of expulsion while I cleaned up the coffee she spilled on my computer, until she was interrupted by your phone call. Can I call you ‘sugar bear’ too?”

(Needless to say, she had some explaining to do. The dean canceled our class for the day and had a sane teacher leading the class by the next session. The math department loaned me a laptop until mine could be looked at and eventually replaced due to the damages. She wasn’t fired but she refused to speak to me for the rest of the time I attended that school.)

Me: “Office of Residential Life. How can I help you?”

Woman: “Yes, I wanted to ask you questions about your dorms.”

Me: “Sure, I can tell you about every residential hall on campus. What would you like to know?”

Woman: “Do they have elevators?”

Me: “Yes ma’am, all our buildings are multiple floors and fully ADA compliant.”

Woman: “So they have stairs too?”

Me: “Yes.”

Woman: “And what about bathrooms? Do all the buildings have bathrooms?”

Me: “Yes.”

Woman: “On each floor, even the ones with classrooms?”

Me: “Well, yes, I believe so.”

Woman: “That’s good, because my son has explosive diarrhea, and he must be near a bathroom at all times.”

Me: “…”

Woman: “Which dorm do you think he should live in?”

Me: “Um….try [random hall name].”

Woman: “Thank you!”