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Helping The Needy

, , , , | Learning | October 31, 2009

(To make the day more interesting, I am asking the prospective students about their Halloween.)

Me: “So how was your Halloween? Did you dress up?”

Student Caller: “I was Spock, of course.”

Me: “Awesome. Live long and prosper.”

Student Caller: “The needs of the many…”

Me: “…are greater than the needs of the few.”

Student Caller: “Or the one.”

*long pause*

Student Caller: “Marry me?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Student Caller: “What, is this moving too fast for you? Okay, how about a date? Coffee? I can be there in four hours!”

Me: “Uhh… I don’t think this is appropriate. If you have any questions, you can call the office of admissions-”

Student Caller: “Wait! I need to tell my mom I’ve met the future Mrs. Finkler!”

Lax With The Anthrax

, , , | Right | October 21, 2009

(I work security at a small university. A student approaches my desk.)

Student: “I think someone might have sent me an anthrax letter.”

Me: “Okay, why do you think that?”

Student: “Well I got a letter telling me I might have won some money, but I haven’t entered any contests.”

Me: “Was there any powder in it?”

Student: “No. Just the letter. But it’s suspicious.”

Me: “Companies send those out all the time to market things.”

Student: “I really think it has anthrax.”

Me: “Okay, give it to me.”

Student: “Well, I threw it away in the computer lab.”

Me: “You threw it away in a public trash can?”

Student: “Well, yeah! It might have anthrax!”

Hello, This Is Pot Calling Kettle

, , | Right | September 17, 2009

Me: “[College], how can I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, I’d like to apply for your college.”

Me: “Okay, what program?”

Caller: “I don’t know. Whatever.”

Me: “Well, we have course descriptions and an application online.”

Caller: “My computer’s busted. Why is everything online? That’s really inconvenient for me!”

Me: “Well, we can schedule an appointment for you to come in and talk to one of our admissions people.”

Caller: “My truck’s busted. What do you want me to do, walk?”

Me: “Well, I could fax you an application–”

Caller: “Do I sound like someone who has a fax machine at work? Why are you being so difficult?!” *click*


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Every (Bad) Crowd Has A Silver Lining

, , , , | Right | September 3, 2009

(When I was in college, I used to work in the cafeteria. On this day, two girls are making fun of a third.)

Mean Girl #1: “Oooooh, a hamburger? So much for that diet.”

Mean Girl #2: “Are you kidding? She’s never been on a diet in her life!”

(The third girl who they are talking to is, for the record, very nice looking.)

Girl #3: *taken aback* “I… I worked out today. I need the protein.”

Me: “Come on, leave her alone. She can eat whatever she wants!”

Mean Girl #1: “Yeah, I guess you don’t have to worry about what you eat if you’re already fat and ugly!”

(One of my coworkers has been listening from a distance. He walks over, looks all three girls up and down, and then turns to the third.)

Coworker: “Excuse me, miss, but do you think I could get your phone number?”

Girl #3: “Are you serious?”

Coworker: “Completely! Who wouldn’t want a date with a beautiful girl who knows how to take care of herself?”

(This was five years ago. I’m going to be the best man at their wedding.)

The Building Block(heads) Of Life

, , , | Right | July 22, 2009

Customer: “I’m looking for some school books.”

Me: “What sort of books are you looking for?”

Customer: *sigh* “Some chemistry guides, I guess.”

Me: “All right, let’s head over and look at a few different guides.”

(I take her to the chemistry section of the bookstore.)

Customer: “I’m just not excited to be taking this course.”

Me: “Are you’re worried that it will be too difficult?”

Customer: “Oh, no! I just don’t want to be forced to learn about something I don’t believe in.”

Me: “Er… sorry? What’s your degree program?”

Customer: “I’m in vet school. I’ve already done all of my bio classes, and I really loved them, but I’m really not interested in learning about chemicals and how they harm the Earth and stuff.”

Me: “That’s not really what chemistry is about, you know.”

Customer: “What do you mean? Just look at the name: CHEM-istry. Like, CHEM-ical. As in, harmful to all life!”

Me: “But you said you enjoyed your biology courses, so why not your chemistry? They’re both really important sciences, especially for your major.”

Customer: “I just don’t get why I have to learn about chemicals and stuff! Biology is different; that’s Mother Nature! Not some science that was made up in a lab.”

Me: “Well, think about what life is, when you break it down. What helps build life?”

Customer: “Biology.”

Me: “Right! Back up some now.”

Customer: “…Atoms?”

Me: “Now come back up a bit. After atoms, but before biology.”

Customer: *blank stare*

Me: “Chemistry! What happens when different atoms come together? Chemical reactions. That’s all part of chemistry. You can’t have biology without chemistry – it’s a natural part of life.”

Customer: *brightens up* “I had no idea! Now I can’t wait to take chemistry!”


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