Student #1: “I’m really glad that Africa just elected their first woman president.”
Student #2: “Africa’s a continent.”
Student #1: “Okay. The continent of Africa just elected their first woman president.”
(I work as a cleaner for a college that has a lot of families staying on campus. When my coworker and I are bored, we often go outside and clean away the leaves. A 3-year-old of one of the familes comes up to us and starts asking questions.)
3-Year-Old: “Why are you cleaning the leaves up?”
Coworker: “Because it makes this place look better, and if the leave get picked up here, they don’t come inside and be annoying.”
3-Year-Old: “Oh. Do you guys pull the leaves off the trees first?”
(At the time of this story, translation sites like Bing and Google don’t exist yet. I work the graveyard shift as a supervisor at the public-access computer labs. One student has been working since I started my shift at midnight with several books lying on his desk while he types like there’s no tomorrow. It is now 7:00 AM when the student comes to my desk.)
Student: “Excuse me; the translator isn’t working.”
Me: “Huh?”
Student: “The translator on my computer. It doesn’t translate my text.”
(I assume that he has tried to install some third party translator which won’t work because the C drives of these PCs are write-protected.)
Me: “Can you please show me which translator you’re using?”
(I walk to his desk and see that he has a Word document of dozens of pages of Dutch text. The student selects the text, goes to the Language menu in Word and selects “English.”)
Student: “See? It stays Dutch.”
Me: “I’m sorry to say, but that’s not how the Language option in Word works. That only selects the dictionary for your spell checker.”
Student: “But I have to turn in this paper at 9:00 AM!”
(I teach classes in theater technology and run the performing arts center on campus. Consequently, I actually employ a lot of my own students as student workers. Sometimes non-theater students who work for me end up liking the subject and taking my classes. The relationship I have with workers vs. students can often be VERY different. One of my long time workers has decided to take a class with me after three years of working for me. We are taking our first exam.)
Student: “F*** you, man! I mean, come on! This is bulls***!”
Me: “Shut the f*** up and finish the f****** test, a**hole.”
(The student sits down and non-nonchalantly resumes taking the test. None of my other students bat an eye at this, as they are familiar with my teaching style and understand the joke.)
Unfamiliar Freshman: “THAT WAS AWESOME! I LOVE COLLEGE!”
Me: “Hi. Were you the one who needed help with the copier?”
Student: “Yes! I don’t understand what’s wrong, but it just won’t copy! None of them will!”
Me: “Okay, let’s see; did you swipe your ID to enable printing?”
Student: “Yes! Here, I’ll do it again.”
(She swipes her card and I immediately see the problem.)
Me: “Oh, you have insufficient funds.”
Student: “But what does that mean?”
Me: “Well, it means you don’t have enough money on the card to print anything. You can add money at that kiosk over there.”
Student: “But I have dining dollars!”
Me: “Were you planning to eat the copies?”
Student: “What? No! That’s ridiculous!”
Me: “Then why would you think you can use your dining dollars to print them?”
