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Foot In Mouth 101

, , | Working | November 16, 2012

(Note: I am a Criminal Justice major at a college in rural Virginia. The head of our department is notoriously sexist and racist but nothing has even been done about various claims filed against him. I see him walking by with a family, giving a tour.)

Department Head: “Oh, and as you can see, we also promote diversity on our campus by giving scholarships to a few less privileged students. Most of them, like these ladies, are in the nursing program because it’s fairly easy and there is a thriving work force.”

(He gestures at two female African-American students. Both are wearing business attire. One of the women, obviously having overheard him, calmly walks over.)

Female Student: “Hello [Head of Department], I see you are leading a tour around campus. My name is Jessica [Name of Major University Benefactor], Granddaughter of [Name of Major University Benefactor]. I am a Criminal Justice major and have been in your classes the past two terms. I used to think you ignored me because the classes were so large and I am still only in my second year, but now I realize you are a racist, sexist chauvinist. I wish you the best of luck in your future job because once I speak with [Major University Benefactor], you will be needing a new one.”

(She then walked away with her friend. Sure enough, the next term we had a new department head—a former US Congresswoman!)

Their Love Is In A Class Of Its Own

| Romantic | November 12, 2012

(My boyfriend and I met in a building at university, waiting outside our opposite classrooms. Since first meeting, we’ve made it a habit to meet up outside the same class each week. I am waiting for him at my class at the end of the semester.)

Teacher: “I think [My Name] misses her boyfriend.”

Classmate #1: “Oh, my god! Yes! They’re so cute!”

Classmate #2: “I know, right? They cuddle every week before class.”

Classmate #3: “Last week they were wrapped up together in her shawl thing; did you see that?”

Class: “Aww!”

Classmate #4: “Really? I missed it. That’s so adorable.”

Me: “Oh, my god; you’ve all noticed this?!”

Teacher: “Oh, we’ve been watching your relationship play out behind your back since he asked you out.”

(When I told my boyfriend this, he confessed that his classmates had all known from the first class of the semester that he liked me. They had given him a round of applause after I gave him my number.)

Their Queue To Shut Up

| Working | November 8, 2012

(Note: I am a student turning in a permissions form to withdraw from a course just before the deadline. It’s pouring, windy and freezing cold out, and I’ve jogged eight blocks to get there on time. All I have to do is hand the paper to someone behind the desk. When I enter the building, there are two long lines at the desk. I enter the first, behind four others. The following exchange occurs after fifteen minutes in line, while the person immediately ahead of me is being helped.)

Advisor: “Excuse me, but this isn’t a line.”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Advisor: “The line is over there.”

(The advisor gestures to the line on the other side of the room. I look around, and she’s right. There’s no one behind me and there’s a sign that states that I’m to wait in the other line until called.)

Me: “I see that now, but I’ve been waiting here for fifteen minutes while the people ahead of me were helped. They were in the wrong line too, unless this is a line for a special purpose?”

Advisor: “No, it isn’t. The line starts there.” *points behind me* “You need to get in line.”

Me: “Why didn’t you say something earlier? You’ve been standing next to this line the entire time I’ve been in it. The four people in front of me stood in this line as well, and you didn’t ask them to go to the back of the other line. You’re really going to single me out? Of course you are. Fine…”

(I walk to the back of the line, but evidently I was louder than I intended to be. Almost every student in line stepped out, pretending to have forgotten some thing or another, letting me pass to the front. I was helped before the person originally in front of me was finished!)

Sought For A Thought

| Romantic | November 6, 2012

(My boyfriend and I have been together three years. We’re cuddled up, half-napping.)

Me: “What?”

Boyfriend: “…I didn’t say anything.”

Me: “I know, but you had a thought.”

Boyfriend: *laughs* “How could you tell I had a thought?”

Me: “You made your tiny little ‘I-had-a-thought’ noise.”

Boyfriend: “I was worried we had hit the telepathic stage of our relationship.”

Not Much Of An Enabler

| Right | October 31, 2012

(My college has a free laser tag game set up in the courtyard by a local group. One of the players, a boy I know fairly well, is knock-kneed to the point of it being a minor disability, and slowing his steps tremendously. He is a good shot, however, and wishes to play. We have about three rounds when a woman storms up to the two men running the event as we all re-load.)

Woman: “Why are you letting them pick on this poor boy?”

Employee #1: “Pick on… who?” *looks at group, confused*

Woman: *points at the knock-kneed boy* “Him!”

Me: “We’re picking on you?”

Boy: “No, don’t think so. I’m having fun!”

Woman: “How can you have fun? They can all run around, and you can’t! You have to hold still!”

Boy: “A lot of people hold still, there are the forts to hang onto.”

Girl: “And thanks for reminding him about the disability, lady.”

Employee #2: “Ma’am, I assure you [company] does not allow bullying in its games.”

Woman: “You can’t let disabled people play sports! They feel discriminated against!”

Employee #1: “So, in order not to discriminate against this boy by letting him play, we should discriminate against him by not letting him play?”

Woman: “I’m reporting this!” *storms off to the help desk*

(She found out that the help desk was student run, and the boy running it was the knock-kneed boy’s former roommate. She was laughed out!)