(I’m a tour guide for a private college in the North Georgia mountains in a town of 9,000 people. It’s not the biggest city, but it’s the biggest within about 50 miles. A married couple from Atlanta comes to visit the college.)

Man: *nervously* “How do people typically adjust to living in the middle of nowhere?”

Me: “I actually think it’s peaceful here in the mountains, and I’ve never heard anyone say they miss the traffic.”

(At this point, the couple sees a small green spider on the roof of the golf cart and literally jumps out of the stopped vehicle.)

Me: “Aw, he won’t hurt y’all.”

(The man hesitates three times before finally squishing the spider with his handkerchief. He cautiously climbs back in.)

Woman: “Do you have any… mountain lions here?”

Me: *in an exaggerated southern drawl* “Ain’t seen many mountain lions ’round these parts, far as I reckon.”

Man: “What about bears?”

Woman: “Panthers?”

Me: “I’m pretty sure the most we have up here is foxes and coyotes.”

(The woman gasps like she might have a heart attack while the man’s eyes get very wide. I do my best to assure them that these animals are harmless to humans and that they will likely never see on campus, and continue with the tour.)

Woman: “How far is civilization from here?”

Me: “Well, the city is the county seat, and there’s lots to do and see downtown, and plenty of options for shopping and dining.”

Man: “Is there a Walmart anywhere near here?”

Me: “About a ten-minute drive.”

Couple: *in unison* “HALLELUJAH! CIVILIZATION!”

(My girlfriend is playing ‘Skyrim’ while I watch. She’s not very good at the game and dies quite a bit. She is getting swarmed with zombies in the game, and is about to use the game’s trademark power, called ‘fus ro dah’.)

Her character: “Fus Ro D—”

(A zombie kills her.)

Girlfriend: “DANGIT!”

(I’m trying to hold back snickers as she glares at me.)

Girlfriend: “What? You keep snickering like that and I’m going to make you sleep on the couch.”

(I can’t help it and start laughing.)

Girlfriend: “That’s it! Couch for you tonight! You can dream of getting arrows in the knee and not being able to be an adventurer with me tonight!”

Me: “Fus Ro Dangit!”

(My friend, who is a bit ditzy and lazy, has just started at an on-campus work program at the college library. She meets up with me at the cafeteria after work.)

Friend: “Work was so bad today. I didn’t even get a chance to sit down and play on the computer.”

Me: “Well, you should be working anyway, not watching videos.”

Friend: “Well, usually we don’t get much problems with people. Some people can be so rude!”

Me: “Okay, so what happened?”

Friend: “Well, today a big group of guys came into the library and got A LOT of books.”

Me: “Alright, well—”

Friend: “Then when they were done reading,they either left their books on the table…”

Me: “Well—”

Friend: “…or they put them on the WRONG shelf.”

Me: “Yes—”

Friend: “…or even on the right shelf, but NOT the right place!”

Me: “Well, you—”

Friend: “I think they personally did that on purpose to mess with me. Like, another group came and sort of did the same thing. I mean, how rude are they?! They can’t even bother to put books away in the right spot!”

Me: “So, you are mad that people didn’t put the books back in the right order?”

Friend: “Well, duh!”

Me: “So you are mad because you think these people are doing this just to spite you?”

Friend: “Well, yeah! They got A LOT of books out, and I had to put them ALL away. Normally I get to like read my book or look on the web, since I normally don’t have much to do.”

Me: “You do realize you work in the library. You should be working, not just sitting and reading. Isn’t one of the jobs you have there putting the books away on the shelves?”

Friend: “Well, yeah! What’s your point?!”

(My friend, who is a bit ditzy and lazy, has just started at an on-campus work program at the college library. She meets up with me at the cafeteria after work.)

Friend: “Work was so bad today. I didn’t even get a chance to sit down and play on the computer.”

Me: “Well, you should be working anyway, not watching videos.”

Friend: “Usually we don’t get much problems with people. Some people can be so rude!”

Me: “Okay, what happened?”

Friend: “Today a big group of guys came into the library and got A LOT of books.”

Me: “All right, well—”

Friend: “Then when they were done reading,they either left their books on the table…”

Me: “Well—”

Friend: “…or they put them on the WRONG shelf.”

Me: “Yes—”

Friend: “…or even on the right shelf, but NOT the right place!”

Me: “Well, you—”

Friend: “I think they personally did that on purpose to mess with me. Like, another group came and sort of did the same thing. I mean, how rude are they?! They can’t even bother to put books away in the right spot!”

Me: “So, you are mad that people didn’t put the books back in the right order?”

Friend: “Well, duh!”

Me: “So you are mad because you think these people are doing this just to spite you?”

Friend: “Well, yeah! They got A LOT of books out, and I had to put them ALL away. Normally I get to like read my book or look on the web, since I normally don’t have much to do.”

Me: “You do realize you work in the library. You should be working, not just sitting and reading. Isn’t one of the jobs you have there putting the books away on the shelves?”

Friend: “Well, yeah! What’s your point?!”

(My friend, who is a bit ditzy and lazy, has just started at an on-campus work program at the college library. She meets up with me at the cafeteria after work.)

Friend: “Work was so bad today. I didn’t even get a chance to sit down and play on the computer.”

Me: “Well, you should be working anyway, not watching videos.”

Friend: “Well, usually we don’t get much problems with people. Some people can be so rude!”

Me: “Okay, so what happened?”

Friend: “Well, today a big group of guys came into the library and got A LOT of books.”

Me: “Alright, well—”

Friend: “Then when they were done reading,they either left their books on the table…”

Me: “Well—”

Friend: “…or they put them on the WRONG shelf.”

Me: “Yes—”

Friend: “…or even on the right shelf, but NOT the right place!”

Me: “Well, you—”

Friend: “I think they personally did that on purpose to mess with me. Like, another group came and sort of did the same thing. I mean, how rude are they?! They can’t even bother to put books away in the right spot!”

Me: “So, you are mad that people didn’t put the books back in the right order?”

Friend: “Well, duh!”

Me: “So you are mad because you think these people are doing this just to spite you?”

Friend: “Well, yeah! They got A LOT of books out, and I had to put them ALL away. Normally I get to like read my book or look on the web, since I normally don’t have much to do.”

Me: “You do realize you work in the library. You should be working, not just sitting and reading. Isn’t one of the jobs you have there putting the books away on the shelves?”

Friend: “Well, yeah! What’s your point?!”