Student: “So, like, um, you wrote on my paper that I wrote like, I, like spoke… but you only gave me two out of ten points.

Me: “You used ‘like’ 56 times and ‘that’ 87.”

Student: “Um, why is that a problem?”

Me: “It was a two-page writing assignment.”

Student: “So… um… since I talked with you, um… can I have some more points?”

(At a library, completely surrounded by books…)

Me: “Hi, how can I help?”

College Student: “Where are the books that you can, like, read?”

Me: “…”

Me: “Hi, my name is [My Name] at College], and I’m calling this evening to talk to [Name] about her college search. Is she available?”

An older man who answers.

Man: “Sorry, she’s still got a few weeks left in jail.”

Me: “Uh… okay. Would you mind just taking down a couple of pieces of contact information for her?”

Man: “I could take the information down, but I just don’t know how well it’d go, what with all the drugs she’s on right now.”

Me: “I’m sorry, is this a joke?”

Man: “No, no joke…”

Customer: “Can I have a banana?”

Me: “Sure.” *I ring her up and give her a banana*

Customer: “Uh, actually… could I have a more ripe banana?”

(I hand her a very yellow banana with faint spots on it.)

Customer: “No, no, a RIPER banana. Like, a greener one.”

(I stare at her for a second, get a greener banana, and watch her walk away wondering how she got into college.)

(Working in a psychology department main office.)

Caller: “Do you have the courses for a psychology graduate degree posted on your website?”

Me: “Let me check… yes, they are posted on our website.”

Caller: “But I can’t find them!”

(I spend a couple of minutes navigating her through our website. Once we’re at the right page…)

Me: “Is that all?”

Caller: “Well she’s a sophomore, so is this what she needs?”

Me: “No, if she’s an undergraduate she’ll need something else.”

(I navigate her to our undergraduate listings.)

Caller: “BUT, these are all PSYCHOLOGY classes!”

Me: “Ma’am, that’s what you asked for….”

Caller: “No, I wanted the English requirements!”

Me: “For an English degree?”

Caller: “No the English requirements for a psychology degree!”

Me: “Ma’am, do you want the Gen Ed requirements for all bachelor’s degrees?”

Caller: “YES! That’s what I want!”

(This call continues for many more minutes in which I explain that she should already have a huge packet on that from when her daughter started college. When she insists that they never got that, I actually navigate her over to the admission website, talk her through downloading the packet (a 600-page PDF), and have to explain not only what page to turn to, but where to look on the page. For her daughter’s sake, let’s hope it’s not hereditary.)