(Note: I work at a college financial aid office, and am speaking with the parents of a student.)

Parent: “And why do you need my information?”

Me: “We need the parents’ information for dependent students because they are still technically relying on their parents.”

Parent: “What if I was dead?”

Me: “But sir, you’re not dead.”

Parent: “But what if I was dead? What if I die?”

Me: “Well, sir, both parents would need to die and you are, in fact, not dead.”

Parent: *angrily* “Fine, I’ll send the information!” *click*

(I am a student working in the on campus bookstore. A customer comes in and approaches me.)

Me: “Hi, can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I need a map of Washington.”

Me: “Washington state or Washington, D.C.?”

Customer: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Do you need a map for Washington state or Washington, D.C.?”

Customer: *confused* “What’s the difference, and what do you mean by D.C.?”

Me: “Well, one is a state above Oregon on the West coast, and the other—Washington, D.C.—is an area on the east coast. ‘D.C.’ stands for District of Columbia.”

Customer: “No, not in Colombia! In America!”

Me: “Ma’am, Washington, D.C. is in America. That is what it is called.”

Customer: “I don’t think you know what you’re talking about. I just need a map of Washington for my political science class.”

Me: “Ah, then I’ll get you a map of Washington, D.C.”

Customer: “I think you’re wrong. I am going to tell my professor you guys are giving out maps of Colombia!” *walks away looking very annoyed*

Friend: “Ugh, I have the worst song stuck in my head.

Me: “What song is that?”

Friend: “’Bad Romance’.”

Boyfriend: *to me* “I had that song stuck in my head. It was the night I asked you out. Um…I mean. A car drove by playing it the night–”

Me: “Too late.”

(I am on my way to meeting my boyfriend’s parents for the first time.)

Boyfriend: “My mom’s making her special quiche!”

(He is a little clueless as to how I nervous I am feeling about meeting them.)

Me: “So, should I be nervous?”

Boyfriend: “No, my mom makes great quiche!”

Me: “Can I help you?”

Student: “I can’t find my professor’s office.”

Me: “Do you have an office number?”

Student: “Yeah. It’s 412.”

Me: “Well, that’s just down the hallway.”

Student: “I tried. That’s not his office.”

Me: “Is he a political science professor or a modern languages professor?

Student: “Neither. Geology.”

Me: “Are you sure he’s in this building?”

Student: “No.”

Me: “What building is he in?”

Student: “I don’t know.”

Me: “There are lots of buildings on campus.”

Student: “I know.”

Me: “What made you think it was this one?”

Student: “I don’t know…”