Professor: “Welcome to [class]. I see that some of you have taken my classes before and some of you haven’t. For those of you who haven’t taken my class before, you’ll like to know that class is over as soon as I finish drinking my soda.”

(The professor gestures to his enormous branded cup. A student comes in late and sits down quickly with her full coffee cup. The professor notices…)

Professor: “Ahem. I believe you’re aware of the sign on the door that says ‘no food or drink in the classrooms,’ yes?”

Student: “Oh. Sorry!”

(The student gets up and does a walk of shame to the garbage can to throw away her drink. Right before she throws it away…)

Professor: “Just kidding! That just shows you not to be late for my class. You can keep your drink.”

(The professor takes a big swig of his drink as another student comes in late.)

Professor: “…and that’s all I’m going to tell you about your final. I hope you all took good notes because I’m not going to tell you again! And no sharing your notes with anyone either!”

(A classmate leans over to whisper to me.)

Classmate: “I think the first day of class is his favorite.”

(One of my professors and I share a mutual interest in the popular television show ‘Once Upon a Time,’ but she did not follow the second season very well. She is also known for being a joker. The second season has since then been placed on Netflix.)

Me: “Hey, [Professor]! Did you notice Once Upon a Time is on Netflix now?

Professor: “It is? My husband just deactivated the account, though. Maybe I could convince him…”

Me: “You should. I’m about halfway through right now. It’s so good!”

Professor: “All right then; I’ll talk to him tonight!”

(Two weeks later…)

Professor: “I hate you.”

Me: “Wait, what?!”

Professor: “Why did you tell me Once Upon a Time is on Netflix. I can’t stop watching it long enough to grade these tests now! Plus I’m in documentary heaven.”

Me: “I’m… sorry?”

Professor: “You’re fired.”

Me: “I haven’t even been hired yet! It’s your job to teach me the tools so I can be hired!”

Professor: “Then I’ll follow you and make sure you’re fired.”

(I am in a comparative religion class where a guest lecturer is talking about Chinese religions.)

Lecturer: “And the Gui are evil spirits or non-beings…”

(The classroom door then opens in the middle of the period, and a student dressed up as the yellow Teletubby walks in and sits in the back of the room.)

Lecturer: “…and there’s one now.”

(I am in chemistry class, doing class work on UV rays when one of my classmates pokes me.)

Me: “Yes?”

Classmate: “I don’t get this question.”

Me: *reads* “Why can’t you get a tan from a radio?”

(The classmate just stares at me blankly.)

Me: “Okay, well… do radios emit sunlight?”

Classmate: “…wha?”

Me: “Do radios emit sunlight?”

Classmate: “No?”

Me: “Have you ever seen a radio emit sunlight?”

Classmate: “No?”

Me: “Wonderful, so a radio doesn’t emit UV rays; it emits radio waves.”

Classmate: “Huh?”

Me: “…hence the name ‘radio?'”

Classmate: “OHHHHHH!”

(It’s the end of the school year. My sister’s university doesn’t let you receive your exam and subject results if you have outstanding fees with the university. She is away interstate with some friends when she realizes she has an overdue book fine, and that she has left her credit card at home. You can usually call up the library desk, but I have to pick up some stuff nearby, so I just go to her campus in person.)

Me: “Hi, I’d like to pay for an overdue book fine.”

Librarian: “Sure, have you got your student ID card?”

Me: “Oh, no I don’t. It’s actually for my sister.”

Librarian: “Oh, you’re not allowed to pay for that.”

Me: “Why?”

Librarian: *irritated* “I can’t let you pay for someone else’s fine.”

Me: “But it’s for my sister…”

Librarian: “You can’t pay for someone else’s fine!”

Me: “Seriously? I understand if I’m trying to borrow something under someone else’s name, but I’m paying you money here. I have all her student details if you need them.”

Librarian: *sternly* “I can’t let you do that.”

Me: “Fine…”

(I move away from the desk, but still hover nearby, and take out my phone to call my sister.)

Me: “Dude, this librarian won’t let me pay for your book fine.”

Sister: “What? Why?”

Me: “Apparently, you’re only allowed to pay for your own fines. I can’t do it on your behalf.”

Sister: “No way! That’s totally bull-s***! It’s not even like you’re being shifty and pretending to be me which you could do on the phone. That probably would’ve been much easier than dealing with this idiot. Anyway, you stay there; I’m gonna call the library.”

(I’m still standing around the desk, and a few seconds later the phone rings. The same rude librarian picks up, and I watch him talk on the phone.)

Librarian: “[University’s library], how can I help you? Sure, what’s your student ID? And you’ll be paying over the phone? Oh…”

(The librarian suddenly glares at me. They talk for a few more seconds, and he hangs up. He turns to me and speaks gruffly.)

Librarian: “Can I have your credit card, please?”