(It’s my sophomore year at college, so I’m out of the dorms. When I lived there my freshman year, everybody was required to have a land line in their room, even if you only used your cell phone. My roommate and I never used it, so we just silenced the thing and kept it out of sight the whole year. At a party, I start talking to two freshmen that I have just met.)

Freshman #1: “Man, I can’t wait to move out of the dorms and into an apartment like you.”

Me: “It’s pretty awesome, but my time back in [Dorm Name] was pretty fun too.”

Freshman #1: “You were in [Dorm Name] also? That’s where we live!”

Freshman #2: “Yeah, what room were you in?”

Me: “[Room number].”

Freshman #1: “Crazy! That’s the room we’re in! Wait, are you [My name]?”

Me: “Yeah, how’d you know who I was?”

(Suddenly one of the freshmen sucker-punches me in the stomach!)

Me: “What the h*** was that for?!”

Freshman #1: “That’s for never deleting your voicemail!”

Freshman #2: “Your mom left close to 200 freaking messages!”

Freshman #1: “And we had to delete them all, one by one!”

Freshman #2: “To make it worse, we had to listen until the end of each f****** one before we could delete it, too! It took us a whole weekend to wipe the whole inbox, you f***!”

(At this point they walk away, and I don’t see them again. Curious, I call my mom the next day, and she told me that she would always call the land line first, then my cell phone. I never knew the whole time!)

(I am supervising an experiment for first-year physics students involving the use of a sound generator. Students must press a button in order to play the musical notes described in their instruction sheet. A normally quiet student approaches me.)

Student: “Excuse me; I can’t find the button to play G-hashtag!”

(Our politics class is studying for an essay on the US constitution, with our teacher trying to give us a few hints.)

Teacher: “Okay, so what else does the constitution involve?”

(Silence…)

Teacher: “Come on! You all know this. It’s the f-word…”

(The entire class erupts into laughter. The teacher looks slightly perturbed.)

Teacher: “Now come on; mentioning the f-word can get you at least five marks.”

(The class laughs even harder. It suddenly dawns on the teacher what she has just implied.)

Teacher: “FEDERALISM! The word I was looking for was FEDERALISM! For goodness sake, don’t put the other word in your essay!”

(It is our first day of criminal law class. The teacher wants to see just how well we can spot a lie. Each of us takes turns standing up, saying our names, and two true things and one lie about ourselves. The other students have to guess which is which.)

Student #1: “My name is [Name]. I was born in Sweden; I’m allergic to tomatoes, and I love comic books.”

Student #2: “You don’t love comic books! You’re a girl!”

Student #1: “Actually, I do.”

(After a while, no one can guess the lie, so she reveals that she is not in fact, allergic to tomatoes. Then it’s my turn…)

Me: “My name is [Name]. I don’t like dogs; I have eight tattoos, and I love romance novels.”

Student #2: “You do not have that many tattoos! You’re a girl!”

Me: “You know, ‘you’re a girl’ is not a proper justification for not believing something. And you’re wrong, by the way.”

Student #2: “No! I’m right! You can’t have that many tattoos! Where I come from it’s just not okay for women to have tattoos!”

(The teacher is pinching the bridge of his nose.)

Teacher: “Shut up, [Student #2].”

(The teacher turns to me.)

Teacher: “What was your lie?”

Me: *grinning* “I absolutely loathe romance novels.”

Student #2: “But you’re a GIRL! You have to like them; it’s like a requirement or something.”

Me: “Nah, not interested; I prefer horror and thrillers.”

Student #2: “You shouldn’t even be considered a woman!”

Me: “Fine. I won’t consider you a man, then.”

Student #2: “Oh, no you don’t! I’m a man, and I demand to be treated like one!”

Me: “Start acting like one.”

(We are about the take our first quiz of the semester. Our professor starts to hand out our quiz papers.)

Classmate: “Thank you.”

Professor: “You know, I’ve never understood why you all say ‘thank you’ when we hand out a quiz. It’s like saying thank you for the ice pick that you have to gouge your eye with.”