(I am in my interactive media class. We are learning video editing. I’m talking to a young man in his early twenties.)

Classmate: “Hey, can you help me with this?”

Me: “Sure. What’s up?”

Classmate: “What’s the difference between ‘standard’ and ‘widescreen’?”

Me: “Widescreen is wider than standard.”

Classmate: *stares blankly*

Me: “Is your raw footage a square or a rectangle?”

Classmate: “A square.”

Me: “Pick standard.”

(I’m hanging with some friends. Friend #1, who is a guy, starts throwing one end of his scarf at Friend #2, who is a girl and is completely ignoring the scarf.)

Friend #3: “[Friend #1], what are you doing?”

Friend #1: “Fishing for women.”

Friend #3: “How is it going?”

Friend #1: “Still single.”

(I am an adjunct professor at a technical university. I teach computer programming. My exams are open book/open notes. If a student doesn’t have a grasp of the material, no amount of notes will help. I review right before an exam, and I will deliberately leave some of the answers on the board.)

Student: *looking pointedly at the whiteboard* “Um, professor [My Name]?” *gestures towards the board* “Umm?”

Me: “Yes. I know.”

(That student did very well on all my exams. Some others caught on later in the term.)

(I had just given a speech about why gay marriage should be legal in every state in the US. I mention some of the strange marriages in the world.)

Female Teacher: “You forgot to mention Kim Kardashian’s 72-day marriage.”

Me: “I know. I also forgot to mention that a woman married the Berlin Wall.”

Male Teacher: “How does someone marry the Berlin Wall?”

Me: “I’ve no clue, but she was married to it.”

Male Teacher: “Well, in that case I’m going to marry sausage pizza.”

Me: “You better be willing to share.”

(I am chatting with a coworker from another department. She is closing up the front desk for the evening when the phone rings. She answers it and I silently wait.)

Coworker: “Hello. This is [Department Name]. How can I help you? Sorry, sir, but we haven’t had anything like that turned in from [Other Department] today. Yes, sir. I would transfer you to them, but they close at 5:30 pm on weekdays.”

(Both of us glance at the large analog clock on the wall in full view of both of us. It’s 4:30 pm. There’s a long, awkward pause.)

Coworker: “Well, bye!”

(She hangs up and goes back to counting her till. I stare at her, trying to keep from laughing.)

Me: “So, 5:30 pm. Huh?”

Coworker: “Yeah. He was looking for his wallet. He said he left it at the [Other Department]. Too bad he didn’t call a few minutes earlier.”

Me: “…you realize what time it is? Right?”

Coworker: “Yeah. It’s five—”

(My coworker glances at the clock and stares at it for at least 10 seconds before going beet red.)

Coworker: “S***! No wonder he went silent like that! And I just hung up on him! Now he’s going to think I’m an idiot! Why didn’t you say anything?!”

Me: “I thought about saying something, but this was more entertaining.”