No, Not That Kind Of Flash Pass

| Edinburgh, UK | School, Wild & Unruly

(I’m working during a night shift. A girl enters the lobby in her pajamas.)

Student: “Um, hi. I’ve locked myself out of my room.”

Me: “Okay, no problem. As you know, the access fee is £5.”

Student: “Yes, I know, but I don’t have any money with me. Everything is in my room.”

Me: “Well, I can’t let you back in until we get £5 from you, but I can take it from your deposit if you like.”

Student: “No, no! You can’t do that. My mum will kill me!”

Me: “It’s either that, or you give me £5 cash right now. There is no alternative.”

(The girl awkwardly pauses.)

Student: “Are you sure?”

(The girl gives him a cheeky look before taking off her top completely, exposing her naked front. I stare in shock, before quickly regaining my composure.)

Me: “Well, those are very nice. Now, that’ll be £5 please.”

Stupidity As Clear As Sierra Mist

| Columbia, MO, USA | Uncategorized

(I’m working at the student dining hall on a busy Thanksgiving dinner as a supervisor. A student walks up with a glass of ice in hand.)

Customer: “Excuse me, but your Sierra Mist is out.”

Me: “Oh, no problem, ma’am. Let me go downstairs and I’ll take a look.”

(I walk downstairs and check the soda dispenser. The Sierra Mist is half-empty, but still functional. I tell her it should be fine. She comes back ten minutes later.)

Customer: “Excuse me, I asked you to fix the Sierra Mist and it is still not fixed.”

Me: “Ma’am, I just checked it and it’s full.”

Customer: “You’re lying. It isn’t working at all.”

(I walk over to the dispenser and place a cup underneath the Sierra Mist and out pours clear, bubbly Sierra Mist.)

Me: “See, ma’am? It’s just fine.”

Customer: “No! It’s clear! See? It’s clear! The bottle is green. Sierra Mist is green!”

Wake Up And Smell The Fumes

| Orange County, CA, USA | Top

(I’m a public safety officer in charge of the entire campus over the weekend. A large building has been locked, secured, and the key card access has been turned off because the building is being fumigated. I get a call on my work phone.)

Me: “Campus safety, how can I help you?”

Faculty: “Hi, I need to get into [building].”

Me: “Sorry, that building is closed for fumigation.”

Faculty: “I know, I left something in my office that’s really important. I need to go up and get it.”

Me: “I understand, but the entire building is locked up so no one can get in.”

Faculty: “I know, I have been trying to get in. They must have shut off the keycard readers.”

Me: “You’re trying to get in? You can’t sir. The entire building is filled with toxic fumes.”

Faculty: “I know that! I just need to get in real fast and grab something.”

(His office is actually on the 4th floor. Even running and taking the elevator could be a 6-10 minute round trip in poisonous gas.)

Me: “Sir, I can’t let you in. You could become seriously ill from the fumes. I can’t take that responsibility.”

Faculty: “What if I wrote you a note saying it was okay?”

Me: “That likely wouldn’t protect me from much if I let you in and you collapse. Then I would have to go in and get you and compromise my health and safety.”

Faculty: “But you’re Campus Safety! Isn’t it your job to do that?”

Me: “I’m ensuring your safety by not letting you in a poison-filled death trap.”

Faculty: “Fine, then!” *hangs up*