Every (Bad) Crowd Has A Silver Lining

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(When I was in college, I used to work in the cafeteria. On this day, two girls are making fun of a third.)

Mean Girl #1: “Oooooh, a hamburger? So much for that diet.”

Mean Girl #2: “Are you kidding? She’s never been on a diet in her life!”

(The third girl who they are talking to is, for the record, very nice looking.)

Girl #3: *taken aback* “I…I worked out today. I need the protein.”

Me: “Come on, leave her alone. She can eat whatever she wants!”

Mean Girl #1: “Yeah, I guess you don’t have to worry about what you eat if you’re already fat and ugly!”

(One of my coworkers has been listening from a distance. He walks over, looks all three girls up and down, and then turns to the third.)

Coworker: “Excuse me, miss, but do you think I could get your phone number?”

Girl #3: “Are you serious?”

Coworker: “Completely! Who wouldn’t want a date with a beautiful girl who knows how to take care of herself?”

(This was five years ago. I’m going to be the best man at their wedding.)

Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

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Undeclared 4 Life

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(I worked a phone counter during the commencement weekend in May, and this was a conversation between myself and a caller the day before graduation.)

Me: “Hello, Commencement Help, how can I help you?”

Caller: “I need to know something. Am I graduating tomorrow?”

Me: “Uh…do you mean are you walking?”

Caller: “No, I mean graduating.”

Me: “What’s your major?”

Caller: “…”

Me: “Well…what college are you in?”

Caller: “…”

Me: “…do you know what school this is?”

Caller: “…” *hangs up*

Co-worker: *to me* “I bet he was wasted.”

Taking It Old School

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(I was working in the department office one day when an old woman called me up.)

Me: *on the phone* “Radio, TV and Film Department. How can I help you?”

Caller: “I want to take a class in radio.”

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, but our classes are part of the Bachelor’s degree curriculum. You can’t just take one class.”

Caller: “Well…how long is the Bachelor’s degree program?”

Me: “4 years at minimum, but the average student take 5 years to complete it.”

Caller: “5 YEARS?! I can’t do that! …so where else can I take a class in radio?”

Me: “Why don’t you try **** College? They have a radio station, so they may have some radio classes. Here’s the number.”

Caller: “What kind of school is **** College?”

Me: “It’s a community college.”

Caller: “A WHAT kind of college?”

Me: “A community college. You know, a junior college.”

Caller: “HONEY! I don’t need no JUNIOR college. I am a SENIOR citizen!”

Masticating Morons

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(A customer walks up to the retail counter with about 70 packs of gum in a canvas shopping bag.)

Me: “Hello, will this be everything for you today?”

Customer: *panicked* “Do you think it will be enough?!”

Me: “Er…enough for what?”

Customer: “For the exam!” *leans forward* “I plan to write my essay one letter at a time on each piece of gum. As I’m taking the exam, I’ll stick them on the desk in front of me, in order. It’s genius!”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, but that will fail on so many different levels.”

Future Business Leaders Of America, Indeed

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(A student approaches my counter at our college’s store, which is adjacent to the bank.)

Me: “Hello, may I help you?”

College student: “Yes, I need to get 4 dollars out of the bank.”

Me: “I’m sorry, the campus bank branch does not open for another hour.”

College student: “Well…what if I was to pay you? *pulls out a five dollar bill*

Me: “You’re going to pay me five dollars to get four dollars out of the bank?”

College student: “Yes.”

Me: “Why don’t I just give you change in ones for this five?”

College student: “You can do that?”

Me: “Yes.”

College student: “Technology these days!”

(I give him the five ones, and he walks out of the store shaking his head and smiling to himself, still saying “Wow!”)

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