SIMBY: Snots In My Back Yard

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Me: “Campus Security, this is ***.”

Caller: “Hi, I live across the street from you guys on *** street, and there is a lot of litter on your property near where I live. I’m feeling very threatened by it! It’s bringing the property values down and attracting the wrong kind of people.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll call Buildings and Grounds and have them go out and check for it.”

Caller: “Thank you, because it’s really threatening!”

Me: “Not a problem, ma’am.”

(The caller hangs up and I call over to Buildings and Grounds, who agrees to look into it. Immediately after I hang up with them, my phone starts ringing again.)

Me: “Campus Security, this is ***.”

Caller: “Hi, it’s me again. I just called you.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. I called Buildings and Grounds and they’re going out to look for the litter.”

Caller: “Oh, good. I just called to tell you that there’s a group of little people out there and I think they might be responsible for the litter.”

Me: “…little people?”

Caller: “Yeah, there’s a big group of them. It’s a problem!”

Me: “Alright, ma’am. I will go out and see what’s up.”

(When I arrive at the location, what do I find? Teachers, parents, and a videographer watching a group of kids foraging through the grass: it was an Easter egg hunt by the on-campus day care center.)

Your Improv Needs Improvement

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(I work at my university calling alumni for donations. The person who picks up has a normal American accent.)

Caller: “Hello?”

Me: “Hi, may I please speak with [name]?”

Caller: “Who is this?”

Me: “This is *** from [university].”

(Suddenly, the caller changes his voice to a thick, supposedly foreign accent. It’s obvious it’s the same person.)

Caller: “He not here now.”

Me: *playing along* “Oh, okay. Do you know a better time for me to reach him?”

Caller: *still using accent* “No, no. He not here! If he need to sign form, send them to his work.”

Me: “Okay. Well, thanks for taking the time to speak with me. Have a great evening!

Caller: *back to an American accent* “You too!”

Til DNA Test Do Us Part

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(My office offers a class required by the state for divorcing couples with kids under 18.)

Me: “And how many children under the age of 18 do you currently support?”

Customer: “See, that’s where I’m confused.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Well, I’m pregnant, but we don’t have any other kids.”

Me: “Oh, okay. I’ll just write down one for our records.”

Customer: “Okay, does my husband have to take the class too?”

Me: “Yes, both parties are required to take the class.”

Customer: “…even if I’m not sure if it’s his kid?”

Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

Lax With The Anthrax

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(Note: I work security at a small university. A student approaches my desk.)

Student: “I think someone might have sent me an anthrax letter.”

Me: “Okay, why do you think that?”

Student: “Well I got a letter telling me I might have won some money, but I haven’t entered any contests.”

Me: “Was there any powder in it?”

Student: “No. Just the letter. But it’s suspicious.”

Me: “Companies send those out all the time to market things.”

Student: “I really think it has anthrax.”

Me: “Okay, give it to me.”

Student: “Well, I threw it away in the computer lab.”

Me: “You threw it away in a public trash can?”

Student: “Well yeah, it might have anthrax!”

Hello, This Is Pot Calling Kettle

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Me: “*** College, how can I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, I’d like to apply for your college.”

Me: “Okay, what program?”

Caller: “I don’t know. Whatever.”

Me: “Well, we have course descriptions and an application online.”

Caller: “My computer’s busted. Why is everything online? That’s really inconvenient for me!”

Me: “Well, we can schedule an appointment for you to come in and talk to one of our admissions people.”

Caller: “My truck’s busted. What do you want me to do, walk?”

Me: “Well, I could fax you an application–”

Caller: “Do I sound like someone who has a fax machine at work? Why are you being so difficult?!” *click*

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