Will Sprain That Knee From Jumping To All Those Conclusions

, | Nassau County, NY, USA | Friendly | March 15, 2017

(My friend and I are waiting for the elevator in my dorm with a couple of athletic guys. It comes, and we get on, and I push the button for the second floor.)

Guy: *to his friend* “Oooh, looks like SOMEBODY is lazy.”

Me: “Actually, SOMEBODY just got off crutches for a nasty knee sprain yesterday, and SOMEBODY is under orders from her doctor to stay off it as much as possible and avoid stairs. But it does sound like SOMEBODY ELSE likes to jump to conclusions.”

Guy: “…Sorry.”

Try Some Spew-ghetti

, | ON, Canada | Friendly | March 14, 2017

(One of my friends was at my residence house one night, very drunk, and puked on our porch. We poured water on it to wash it away, but all of the… well, chunks, remained. I am with two of my classmates and we are walking back to my residence house so that we can work on a project. One of my classmates stops the other one before we go inside.)

Classmate #1: “WAIT! You can’t come in unless you can guess what [My Name]’s friend had for dinner last night!”

Classmate #2: “Huh? How would I know—” *he looks down and sees the left over puke and immediately looks away* “EW! OH, MY GOD, LASAGNA!”

The Twilight Of Our Technology

| SC, USA | Friendly | March 10, 2017

(I am waiting for class to begin. Two girls are chatting behind me about their iPods.)

Girl #1: “My iPod is so old. It’s so old I have a sticker of Taylor Lautner on it.”

Girl #2: “Mine is so old I have Jersey Shore videos on it…”

Plagiarism Is A Disease

| Bloomington, IN, USA | Learning | March 10, 2017

(On the first day of bioanthropology class, the professor is explaining how seriously the university takes plagiarism.)

Professor: “In one of my classes, I gave an assignment to write about a disease you had as a child. Students had to write about what the course of the disease is without treatment, and explain what would happen if you got this disease in the Paleolithic era. Sounds pretty easy, right?”

(Class agrees.)

Professor: “Well, I ended up giving one girl an F for the entire class. First of all, she had copied her entire paper from a Wikipedia page. Second of all, she wrote about the Ebola virus.”

Trying To Treat A Parrot

| Winnipeg, MB, Canada | Learning | March 9, 2017

(We are all working at computers in a design class. One of my fellow students speaks up:)

Student: “Does anyone have any [Popular Analgesic]?”

Me: “Yeah, I do.” *I bring the bottle to his desk* “One or two?”

Student: “No, it has to be [Popular Analgesic].”

Me: “This is; it’s just the generic kind.”

Student: “It has to be [Popular Analgesic].”

Me: “This is that kind, just the generic, drug store version that doesn’t cost as much.”

Student: *after a long pause* “It has to be [Popular Analgesic].”

Me: “This is the generic version of [Popular Analgesic]. It is just like that medicine, exactly, exact same ingredients, except it doesn’t have the brand name on it, and it doesn’t cost as much.”

Student: *after a longer pause* “It has to be [Popular Analgesic].”

Me: “You know how we call tissues Kleenex, even though they’re not necessarily made by the Kleenex company? This is kind of the same thing. Same product, made by a different company, for cheaper, because it’s not the brand name.”

Student: *after an agonizingly long pause* “It has to be [Popular Analgesic].”

Me: “I guess I don’t have anything for you.”

Teacher: *under his breath* “How the h*** did he pass the entrance exam?”

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