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His Thinking Is Far To The Right

, | Fayetteville, AK, USA | Crazy Requests, Liars & Scammers, Popular, School

(Usually, it’s pretty slow but one day a patron is very irate and storms over to me.)

Me: “Hello, sir. How may I help you?”

Patron: “You need to change your doors!”

Me: *slightly confused* “Excuse me?”

Patron: “Your doors are on the wrong side. This is f***ing America! We do everything to the right! You god-d*** door entrances are on the left. I demand you fix them!”

Me: “Sir, I’m going to have to ask that you stop using that type of language and keep your voice down. I’m sorry you have such a problem with the position of our doors. I can fill out a maintenance request but I don’t think there is much they will be willing to do since they isn’t actually anything physically wrong with the doors.”

Patron: “Listen here! I’m the Dean of this library! I demand you fix those doors right now! This is America, not f***ing England! ”

Me: “Sir, I am asking you again to lower your voice and not speak to me that way. If I have to ask you again I will be asking you to leave. And sir, that’s pretty amazing surgery if you’re in fact the dean.”

Patron: “What the h*** are you talking about?”

Me: “Well, sir, you’re a Caucasian, mid-twenties male. Our Dean, at least as of this morning when she came in, was an African American, middle-aged woman.”

(He stormed out of the library as security quickly followed him. He was banned from the library and I never did put in that maintenance request!)

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The Color Of Laziness

| Albuquerque, NM, USA | Crazy Requests

(I’m working in a computer lab, when a student approaches the desk.)

Student: “So, do you guys have color printing?”

Me: “Not in here, but just down the hallway by the elevator we have a color printer.”

(It is a distance of maybe 15 meters.)

Student: “You mean I have to walk ALL THE WAY over THERE?!”

Me: “Well… I could give you a piggy back ride?”

(The student stared at me blankly and left. The sad part is, he had to walk MUCH farther than that just to get into the computer lab.)

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Trafficking False Complaints

| VA, USA | Bad Behavior, Liars & Scammers

(I work as a resident assistant at a small university and this happens at 2:00 am during my shift. The campus is in the middle of the woods several miles from the city, and being the middle of the night there is not a soul in sight outside the office.)

Coworker: “It’s so quiet. I’m going to fall asleep if I don’t do something! How about I order us some sandwiches from [local, late night Sandwich Shop]?”

Me: “I’m not hungry, but feel free to get yourself something.”

(She orders her food, and ten minutes later goes to meet the delivery driver who pulls up right next to our office, despite it being difficult to find on the private campus roads.)

Coworker: *storming back into the office* “I cannot believe him! That was totally unacceptable!”

Me: “Oh, my goodness, are you all right? What happened?”

Coworker: “The nerve of him! He expected me to walk off the sidewalk and go to the driver’s window to pay him! I can’t believe it!”

Me: “…I don’t understand.”

Coworker: “Neither do I! How dare he expect me to walk into the middle of the road where I could be hit by traffic! He should have gotten out and come to me!”

Me: “Are you serious? What traffic? It’s a private road and his car is the only one we’ve seen in the last two hours. He even parked right next to a crosswalk for you!”

Coworker: “He could have gotten me KILLED!! I’m calling to complain about him!”

(Despite my protests she called the shop, and gave a very dramatic account of how she “could have died” by being asked to step out in “heavy traffic,” and even made up that he nearly hit her with his car! Ten minutes later the SAME DRIVER is sent back to give her a free cookie and a refund.)

Coworker: *walking back in with a smug look on her face and waving her returned $3.00* “See? It pays to complain! I hope they fire him!”

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Scanning For Signs Of Intelligence

, | OH, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

Patron: “Can I scan this?”

Me: “Do you want to scan it or photocopy?”

Patron: “Scan.”

Me: “Okay. Our scanner’s right here. Here’s the program. It’ll take a second to warm up, and then you’re good to go.”

Patron: “And once it’s scanned in, I can print it, right?”

Me: “Uh… if… if you’re just going to print it, it’s probably faster just to photocopy it.”

Patron: “Oh. Okay.”

(These are the people who are going to be running the country, folks. Scary.)

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Will Need To See A Doctor(ate) After This

, | Phoenix, AZ, USA | Popular, School

(It’s my first day of working the front desk at the center. My coworker takes a call, which he puts on speaker so I can hear and learn the appropriate reactions to certain common questions, should they come up.)

Coworker: “Hello, this is the [University Center]. My name is [Coworker]. How can I help you?”

Client: “I need help writing my doctoral thesis.”

Coworker: “I’m sorry, sir, we primarily provide services to undergrad students.”

Client: “But your website says you have someone who does doctorate level work!”

Coworker: “Yes, sir, but he does doctorate level statistics, and does not work in our writing department. He will not be able to assist you in writing your thesis.”

Client: *growing angry* “I just want someone to do the work! I don’t care if he’s in the writing department or not!”

Coworker: “Unfortunately, sir, we are explicitly told not to do work for students, but rather aid them in understand concepts.”

Client: *shouting* “That’s ridiculous! What purpose do you people serve if you won’t even do a doctoral thesis! You’re getting paid aren’t you? You f***ing lazy, useless undergrad s***s don’t even deserve to be here!”

Coworker: *pauses* “Excuse me, sir, let me transfer you to my manager.”

Client: “Please do! Then I can tell them what a f***ing t**t you are!”

(Coworker transfers the call, and then looks at me.)

Coworker: *dryly* “Well, unfortunately for him, I transferred him to an empty desk. [Manager] doesn’t work weekends.”

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