Enough To Make You Foam At The Mouth

, , , , , , , | Right | November 1, 2017

(I am working at a coffee shop. We are a popular place for people to go before they start their commute to work and, as such, we’re always slammed in the morning. This morning is no different, with a line out the door. We have three registers open, but the drinks still funnel to the one person making drinks, so wait times can be rather long. I am at a register ringing people up.)

Me: “Can I help the next customer?”

Customer: “Yes, I would like a large, non-fat, bone-dry cappuccino.”

Me: “All right, a large, non-fat, bone-dry cappuccino. Just to make sure I understand you properly, you want two shots of espresso and a cup full of non-fat foam?”

Customer: “I said, ‘bone-dry,’ didn’t I?”

Me: “Just making sure. Your total is [amount], and your drink will come up over on the counter. Can I please get a name for the cup?”

(The customer gives me her name, pays, and moves over to wait for her drink. I ring up a few more customers before my manager comes over and asks me to take over for the person at the bar, as they need a break. I move over and start making drinks. I eventually get to the bone-dry cappuccino. One thing to know about non-fat milk is it doesn’t make great foam. It takes a lot of time, patience, and skill to get 20 ounces of usable foam. I end up steaming two pitchers of milk to get enough foam for her drink. I am newer at the time and don’t have all that much skill yet. I finish the drink and hand it out.)

Me: “I have a large, bone-dry cappuccino for [Customer].”

(The customer comes over and picks up the drink.)

Customer: “What is this? It’s empty!”

Me: “It is your bone-dry cappuccino; it is not empty.”

(The customer takes off the lid and looks in.)

Customer: “This is nothing but foam! Why would I want a cup of foam? I asked for a hot chocolate! How hard is that to get right?!”

(I put on my upset customer smile.)

Me: “I’m very sorry about that. I can remake it for you.”

(I take back the drink, make a hot chocolate and hand it out a minute later.)

Me: “Here you are, one large hot chocolate. I hope you enjoy your day!”

(The customer takes a sip of the drink.)

Customer: “This has milk in it, and I don’t taste any coffee! I’m lactose intolerant; are you trying to kill me?!”

Me: “Ma’am, you ordered a non-fat cappuccino and then decided you wanted a hot chocolate. At no point did you ask for something with soy, which is our only non-dairy option. Did you want a soy latte?”

Customer: *shouting* “No! I don’t drink soy! It makes you into a f****** [homophobic slur]. All I asked for was a large black coffee, and you are too stupid and slow to figure out how to make one. I’ve been waiting 20 minutes for a black coffee! How incompetent are you?!”

(At this point the entire cafe is silently staring at this woman. I walk over, get a coffee, and put it down on the counter in a controlled manner.)

Me: *in a very measured tone* “I hope you have a wonderful day.”

(The customer looks at me and then at everyone else. She looks like she wants to say something. After a minute she finally takes the coffee and flounces out.)

Manager: “I’m going to take over for you. Why don’t you go into the walk-in for a few minutes. Just so you know, it is sound proof.”

(And I did, and it was sound proof.)

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Has No Problem Espresso-ing Herself, Part 5

, , , , | Right | October 10, 2017

(I am a waiter at a cafeteria. A man and a woman come in and sit. I give them the menus.)

Woman: “Excuse me. What is the espresso macchiato?”

Me: “It’s a cup of espresso with foamed milk.”

Woman: “I’ll have that. Big, please.”

Me: “There is only one size, miss. It’s small. Really small.”

Woman: “It’s okay.”

Me: “And for you, sir.”

Man: “Nothing for me, thanks. We’ll share.”

Me: “Are you sure? The espresso is a really, really small drink.”

(I point at the cup of another customer, who is having an espresso.)

Man: “That’s okay.”

(I take the order and send it in. I return with the tray with the small espresso cup on top. The woman has a disappointment expression on her face. The man just laughs.)

Man: “You were not kidding!”

Me: “No, it’s this small.”

(The woman whispers something to the man. They both stand up and leave. I tell them that they have to pay for the drink, since they already ordered it, and we already prepared it. The man pays for the espresso and gives the cup to the woman. The woman, kind of pissed, takes the cup, and when they exit the cafe she throws the cup on the bushes. My manager comes in, and the woman talks to him, not knowing he is my manager.)

Woman: “Don’t go in there; they try to scam you with the drinks.”

(My manager asked me about this after they left, and face-palmed when I explained.)

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Making A Mocha-ry Of Mochas

, , , , , | Working | October 1, 2017

(It’s early morning and I pull into a fast food restaurant for a mocha. I usually buy it there, and have since as well.)

Me: “Can I have a mocha, please?”

Worker: “We don’t do that here”

Me: “You don’t make mocha anymore?”

Worker: “No, we only do coffee or hot chocolate. If you want anything fancy like mocha you will need to try elsewhere.”

Me: “Okay. Then can I have a coffee with a spoonful of chocolate powder mixed in, please?”

Worker: “Sure thing.” *makes my mocha*

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Victim Of A Crazy Mugging

, , , , | Right | March 20, 2013

(We have a staff break room near the bathrooms. Customers accidentally walk into it all the time, so we get a very big sign that says ‘Staff Only — Please Do Not Enter.’ One day, I hear several very loud noises coming from the staff break room. I go to investigate.)

Me: “Is everything okay in here?”

(I look around to utter chaos. Tea and coffee has been thrown all around the room. Milk has been poured on the counter, and the water jug is on the floor. Oddest of all, the fridge door is wide open, and the shelves have been neatly removed and stacked on top of the table. In the middle of all of it is sitting a very well-dressed, middle-aged woman. She is sipping coffee out of my personal coffee mug.)

Me: “I… um… excuse me, ma’am?”

(She looks up with a lovely smile, and goes back to sipping coffee.)

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am. I’m going to have to ask you to… um—”

(She stares at me for a very long time, then goes back to her coffee.)

Me: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave, ma’am. This is a staff only area.”

(She smiles, and starts talking in a very fake British accent.)

Customer: “Oh, you know. I just wanted a coffee.”

Me: “That’s fine, ma’am. I’m going to have to ask you to take it outside of this room. It’s for staff only.”

Customer: “But… my coffee?”

Me: “It’s okay, take it around the shop with you. I’ll even put it into a take-away cup for you.”

(I offer to take back my mug. Her smile turns to a horrible scowl.)

Customer: “MY cup!”

Me: “Actually, ma’am, it’s mine. Now, I need you to leave this area before I call security.”

Customer: “Oh!”

(Smiling again, she gets up and walks out of the room. She then turns around, shrieks, and hurls the cup at me, where it smashes at my feet.)

Customer: “MY CUP! MY COFFEE!”

(I called security. She went on a rampage, trying to smash everything in sight. She even bit the security guard. They had to call the police, because they couldn’t restrain her. I guess some people really do need coffee to be human.)

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Steeps Tall Brewings In A Single Ground

, , , | Right | August 11, 2012

Customer: “What comes in a Caramel Macchiato? Do you guys make a better one than [Competitor #1]?”

Me: “Well, sir, we make it with [ingredients], while [Competitor #1] makes it with [Competitor #1’s ingredients], an [Competitor #2] makes it with [Competitor #2’s ingredients].”

Customer: *stunned* “Wow! How do you guys know that?!”

Me: “Well, I’ve worked at all of those other places before I got here, so I know a few of their tricks.”

Customer: “Man, you’re, like… Super Barista!”

(The man orders a caramel macchiato and pays happily. The next day, he catches me in the middle of taking out trash. Rather than removing my apron, I simply turn it backwards to avoid getting it dirty, inadvertently making it appear as if I’m wearing a cape. Suddenly, the customer from the day before comes driving by.)

Customer: “SUPER BARISTA!”

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