When It Becomes No Longer Coffee

, , , , , | Right | August 29, 2019

(It is in the middle of a rush. A customer orders three black coffees with fifteen sugars on the side. I prepare everything and hand it out the window.)

Me: “Three coffees with fifteen sugars.”

(The passenger looks at the pile of sugar in the drink tray.)

Passenger: “Yeah. I’m going to need five more sugars.”

Me: “Not a problem!”

(I get the sugar and hand it out.)

Passenger: “Is there any cream in these?”

Me: “No, ma’am. They were not ordered with cream.”

Passenger: “Well, I’m going to need fifteen of those. Put them in a bag.”

(I put the cream in a small bag and hand it out. Satisfied, the car leaves. The next car pulls up.)

Next Customer: *jokingly as I hand out the bag* “Yeah. I’m going to need fifty sugars.”

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Two Ounces Of Coffee, Less Than An Ounce Of Sense

, , , , , , , | Right | August 19, 2019

(I work as a barista. One day, a woman I’ve never seen before enters the café.)

Me: “Hi. What can I get for you?”

Customer: “I’d like to try some of your coffee.”

Me: “Sure, will that be a drip coffee, or–“

Customer: “I want coffee, but I don’t want to buy it. I just want a sample.”

Me: “If you’d just like a taste, I can give you a sample of our drip coffee in our two-ounce cup.”

(I hold up the cup so the customer can see.)

Customer: “No, I want a sample but in that size cup!” *points to our regular-size paper cups*

Me: “I’m sorry, but we only do free samples in the two-ounce cups. Did you still want the sample?”

(The customer huffs and puffs but finally agrees, and I pour the sample for her. She takes the cup and then makes her way to the self-serve area where the cream and sugar are kept. I watch with curiosity — which soon turns into dumbfoundedness — as this woman takes a sip of her tiny sample of coffee to make room, and then pours half-and-half into it, then another sip, and then pouring some more half-and-half, etc. After drinking her coffee in this fashion for at least twenty repetitions of sipping and diluting her sample, she marches back to the register, face flushed with anger.)

Customer: *slamming the cup down on the counter* “I demand you remake me a free cup of coffee! This one was disgusting!”

Me: “That can happen when you pour twenty creamers into a two-ounce cup of coffee.”

Customer: *storms out, shouting profanities*


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I Scream For Ice Coffee

, , , , , | Right | July 4, 2019

(I just started work at popular fast food restaurant. Every morning we get nice old people who come in for coffee. It’s my first morning shift.)

Me: “Hi. Welcome to [Company]. What can I get for you?”

Customer #1: “I’d like a large, non-fat mocha with extra ice cream in it, please. Oh, and hot.”

Me: “Umm… do you mean extra whipped cream?”

Customer #1: “NO. I don’t mean extra whipped cream, I mean ice cream!

(Confused by her order, I punch in a regular mocha.)

Me: “Okay, your total is [amount].”

([Customer #1] pays and waits for her mocha. Once she gets it, she comes back to the counter and butts in front of the line.)


Me: “Mochas don’t normally have ice cream in them.”


(I call a manager over, and he tries to take the order but is just as confused as I am. [Customer #1] gets more upset and shouts profanities at both me and my manager. The line has built up, but everyone is just watching her.)

Customer #1: “What is this s***? Give me my f****** mocha with ice cream! How hard is that?!”

Owner: *walks out to the front of the store* “What seems to be the problem?”

Customer #1: “These two a**hats don’t know how to make a godd*** mocha with ice cream!”

Owner: “I’m terribly sorry about that. Here.” *does a refund for her purchase* “May I also see your punch card?”

(She hands him her punch card, just one shy of a free drink, and he rips it in half. The owner then hands out a card that has one punch on it.)

Owner: “I don’t like people who harass my employees and curse at them. We don’t make that kind of drink, and neither does any other coffee shop in the world, and you are no longer welcome here. Please leave, and have a nice day!”

Customer #1: *storms out flustered and still shouting profanities*

Me: “Next!”

Customer #2: “Hi there. I’d like a large nonfat hot mocha, please. Oh, and extra ice cream!”

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Acting Like A Caffeine Teen

, , , , , | Working | May 21, 2019

(My coworker, who has just come in for her shift, comes up to my desk. She’s in her 20s and a fairly intelligent person, or so I thought. By my desk is a small coffee station for the residents, visitors, and staff.)

Coworker: “Is there any coffee up here?”

Me: “Probably not by this time of day. You could try in the kitchen and see if they have any.”

Coworker: *whiny voice* “I just did. They don’t. What do I do now?”

Me: *pause* “You could make some?”

Coworker: *eyes go wide* “Oh… I guess I could do that!” *trots off happily to the kitchen to do so*

Me: “I need to go home now.”

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Asking Two Much Of Them

, , , | Right | March 5, 2019

(We have two options for coffee: freshly brewed and filtered. The first one contains coffee beans which are freshly ground for each cup; the second machine contains already ground coffee powder.)

Me: “Would you like your coffee freshly brewed or filtered today?”

Customer: “Whatever you have.”

Me: “Well… I have both. That’s why I’m asking.”

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