Asking Two Much Of Them

, , , | Right | March 5, 2019

(We have two options for coffee: freshly brewed and filtered. The first one contains coffee beans which are freshly ground for each cup; the second machine contains already ground coffee powder.)

Me: “Would you like your coffee freshly brewed or filtered today?”

Customer: “Whatever you have.”

Me: “Well… I have both. That’s why I’m asking.”

A Heated Debate Of When Coffee Stops Becoming Coffee

, , , , , , | Right | February 21, 2019

(I’m working the first register while my coworker is taking a coffee order.)

Customer: “—and I want it EXTRA, EXTRA, EXTRA hot.”

(We can only heat it so far until the milk boils, so I wander over to see what coworker has written. She’s written, “Milk 100+ degrees)

Me: *whispering* “Hey, do you reckon he wants his coffee hot?”

Coworker: “I don’t know. Why don’t you ask him?”

Me: *laughs* “But in all seriousness, the milk will boil.”

Coworker: “I know, but it’s what he asked for, so I’ll take it as high as I can without boiling it.”

(I notice she’s written down that he wants five sugars, but I say nothing and go back to my work.)

Customer: “Y’know, this is my second favorite place to buy coffee. If the other place isn’t open I come here. It’s good coffee, but I have to have it really hot and really sweet, or I can’t drink it!”

Coworker: “Well, I got the milk to 95; if I keep going it’ll boil and curdle, so I can’t heat it anymore.”

Customer: “Okay, it’ll do.” *takes it and leaves*

Me: “FIVE SUGARS?!”

Coworker: “Yep.”

Me: “How does he know it’s good coffee if he dumps so much sugar in it?! Although, he probably needs to; sounds like his ‘extra, extra, extra hot’ coffees burned his taste buds off years ago!”

Don’t Give Starbucks Any Ideas

, , , , , | Friendly | February 9, 2019

(After a high school camping trip, we stop at a diner to eat.)

Father: “I think I’m going to have a big cup of java.”

Friend: *excitedly* “Really? You’re really going to have java? Wow!”

Me: “You realize ‘java’ is just coffee, right?”

Friend: “Oh.”

Me: “What did you think it was?”

Friend: “One of those big fancy drinks with all the fruit and umbrellas.”

Card Reading Too Much Into This

, , , , , | Right | December 18, 2018

(I work in a large convenience store based on the West Coast, and work graveyards. We get quite the colorful rotation of regulars which I’m seasoned enough to deal with.)

Customer: *approaches me with a coffee, a new one, that I just watched her make* “It’s a REFILL!”

(She then pulls out a clearly snapped-in-half debit card, covered in electrical tape. I remember her card not processing a couple weeks ago, and giving her coffee for free. The queue behind her is growing. I try her card every which way I can think of, including manual entry. No dice.)

Me: “Ma’am, we’ve had problems with the card reader all night. I’m terribly sorry. I’ll cover the coffee.”

(She then UNLEASHES her fury over not being able to swipe her card over $1.06 and abuses my machine to the point where I give up and ask her to hand it over. Yep, will not read. Again.)

Customer: “There’s 134 god-d*** DOLLARS on here! Why can the OTHER CASHIER make my card work and you can’t? You f*** up my time every time I’m in here!”

(I noticed the line was growing behind her. I lost all patience and called my coworker over while she huffed and puffed about how it JUST worked in the ATM today (incredibly doubtful) and we just wanted to refuse her card. It didn’t work on any card reader that night and she grabbed her coffee and stomped out of the store muttering about how “if we’d just TRY to run her card RIGHT!” I’m not sure if she’s trying to scam us out of a dollar or just stupid.)

The Boobishly Designed Cash Register

, , , , , , , | Working | November 29, 2018

I used to work at a coffee stand on a college campus. It was run by the college, so our financial paperwork was occasionally audited by state auditors. We had to account for every time we opened the cash register because the register would log the time stamp on a report we had to file.

We weren’t allowed to open the drawer for anything but a shift start, a sale, and shift end. Unfortunately, due to the placement of the register and the stand itself, most of us baristas ended up having to lean in close to the register and its handy “drawer open” button. Also unfortunately, most of us had boobs that got in the way and hit the button. We were instructed to write down a brief note about why the drawer was opened.

And that’s the story about how some state auditor had to handle a file full of little notes that read, “Sorry, hit with boob.”

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