Your Friend Is Way Out Of Disorder

| Swindon, Wales, UK | Friendly | January 5, 2017

(I’m in recovery from a very serious eating disorder where I’ve not eaten more than 100 calories a day for months. Because I’m still curvy, people regularly don’t believe there was anything wrong with me. My friends, however, all know what I’m been going through. This is my first time out at an eating establishment since recovery.)

Me: “I’m kinda nervous about this. I mean, what if I forgot how to drink coffee?”

Friend: “You never forget. It’s just like falling off a log.”

Me: *reaches for a sugar cube to put in the coffee*

Friend: “Um, I thought you didn’t want to be fat? Skip the sugar.”

(Yeah, thanks. Two months of therapy down the plughole.)

Coffee Consumption Breeds Family Assumption

| England, UK | Friendly | January 4, 2017

(We’ve just had our second child. I am exhausted; I haven’t slept properly for weeks. My wife and I share the feeds but she has been feeling worse than I, so I let her sleep through and am up every other hour. I take advantage of our youngest having a midday nap and take her out to the coffee shop around the corner.  I’m barely functioning but I manage to get to the counter and order.)

Me: “A coffee please, black.”

Cashier: “What size?”

Me: “Huh?”

Cashier: “I’m going to put you down for a large with a double shot.”

Me: “Yes, yes, that sounds good.”

Cashier: “Go sit down and I will bring it over.”

Me: “No, no, it’s fine.”

Cashier: “I insist.”

(I find a table, quickly realising that there was no way I could push a buggy and carry a hot coffee. The server brings me my drink and a small mountain of sugar. I see the elderly couple next to me turning around and talking loudly. I miss a lot of what they say until the woman turns around.)

Woman: “You know you should have waited to have children if you can’t handle it!”

(The lack of logic and rudeness wheels around my head as I try to come back in the politest way possible.)

Me: “I’m here for coffee not your opinion.”

Woman: “Typical kids, shacking up. Learn some responsibility and get a job. Sponger.”

(I am far too tired to put up with this, but this gives me some energy.)

Me: “Listen, you old bat, I have a job. A good one, in fact. And I’m not a child; I’m 30. Not that it’s any of your business but I’m giving my wife a break. I want to sit here and drink my coffee without some miserable crone making my life any more difficult.”

Woman: “Well, I never! We will see about this!”

(She storms off to the coffee shop counter. I can see that she is giving the woman an earful. I’m past caring at this point and see what happens. She returns alone grabs her things and they both leave. Just before they get out of earshot I call after them.)

Me: “If you are so much better than everyone, how come you are stealing newspapers?”

(She throws the newspaper down; embarrassed, they dart off. During the commotion my daughter wakes up and as I start to feed her the cashier turns up.)

Cashier: “Are you okay, sir?”

Me: “You know what?  I feel great. I think that was exactly what I needed.”

‘Tis Always The Season For Stupidity

| Devon, England, UK | Right | December 27, 2016

(I am finishing off my last-minute Christmas shopping after payday, and decide to treat myself to a coffee. I go to a different coffee shop than my usual one, for a change, and to check out their seasonal drinks. The employee who is serving is a friend of a friend who I’m on good terms with.)

Me: “I’m glad you’re working. Now I can ask what’s better: the toffee nut latte, or the honey and almond hot chocolate? I couldn’t decide.”

Employee: “The toffee nut latte.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll try that one, then.”

Employee: “One has coffee in it, and one doesn’t.”

Me: “I know…?”

Employee: “Oh, good. I just thought I’d let you know.”

Me: “Seriously? Does that really happen? Are there people who don’t know the difference between a latte and a hot chocolate?”

Employee: “Yes.”

You Can’t Just Squirt That Kind Of Thing Out

| Canada | Right | December 5, 2016

(I’m making drinks on a typical weekend. The customers waiting for drinks are a pair of fifty-year-old golf buddies just chatting.)

Me: “Your mocha will be ready in just a moment here.”

Customer: “Yah, sure.”

(Having run out of whip cream, a pull a fresh container from my fridge and give it a shake. Typically new containers have some water running down the sides from condensation and this flies off when I shake it. Neither customers nor colleagues tend usually notice.)

Customer #1: *watches this* “Oh, so you’re a squirter?”

Me: *look up with very wide eyes, mid-drink* “Um, pardon me?”

Customer #2: “You can’t say stuff like that!”

Customer #1: “Oh.” *picks up drink and walks off without apology*

Me: *stunned silence*

Your Order Is On Thin Ice

| Los Angeles, CA, USA | Working | December 4, 2016

Me: “I’ll have a regular green iced tea.”

Barista: “Do you want your iced tea hot or cold?”

Me: “…Iced?”

Page 9/119First...7891011...Last