Requires A Fresh Understanding Of Pantries

| ON, Canada | Right | January 24, 2017

(We’re a competitor to a very popular coffee and donut shop, but we also serve bagels. Our popular competitor places their bagels and donuts side by side. We just have a sign listing our bagels, but keep them behind the counter. This was an everyday occurrence.)

Customer: *looks at donut rack* “Oh, it looks like you don’t have any bagels. Oh, well!”

Me: “Actually, we do have bagels. Everything that’s on that list.”

Customer: “Oh… where do you keep them?”

Me: “In the deli, stored in a pantry.”

Customer: “But… how do they stay fresh when they’re not on the shelf, in the open?”

Me: “…”

(Everyday occurrence…)

You Give Me Lol(a)s

| Canada | Working | January 23, 2017

(I’m at a coffee shop to get a drink. This location is in a city full of people new to Canada and staffed by people whose first language isn’t English.)

Cashier: “Hi, what can I get for you?”

Me: “Hi. I’d like a tall matcha latte, please.”

Cashier: “Sure. Can I have your name, please?”

Me: “Laura.”

Cashier: *as she’s writing the name* “Could you spell that for me?”

Me: “L-A-U-R-A.”

Cashier: *finishes writing the name, looking a bit flustered* “Okay. Your total is [total].”

Me: *pays*

Cashier: “Okay. Your drink will come at that end.”

Me: “Thank you.” *moves to the end of the counter*

(After a few moments, my drink comes out.)

Barista: “Tall matcha latte for… uh… um… Tall matcha latte!”

(I take the drink. The cashier had written “rora” and tried to correct it to “LoLa”, turning it into “VoVa” instead.)

Get Out Of There Before You Can Say “Knife”

| USA | Romantic | January 15, 2017

(I’ve reconnected with a guy that I knew when we were kids. He offers to buy me coffee one day so we can “catch up.” I agree. It seems to be going well, until another guy walks by…)

Me: *notices him staring at the person who has just walked by* “You know him?”

Guy: “No.”

Me: “So why are you giving him the death stare?”

Guy: “He was checking you out.”

Me: “He was?”

Guy: “Yes, and I don’t like that. He’s checking out my girl!”

Me: “Hold on, now. I’m not your girl—”

Guy: “But it’s okay, because I can protect you!”

Me: “I’m going to regret asking this, but what are you talking about?”

Guy: *stage whispers* “I collect knives!”

Me: “I… did not need to know that.”

Guy: “I have one on me RIGHT NOW!”

Me: “…I think we’re done here!”

(I booked it out of there in record time. He tried to contact me several more times, asking if I was “mad.” Needless to say, I never saw him again.)

I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 23

| OH, USA | Right | January 12, 2017

(I’ve just gotten off work. I head over to the mall to shop a bit before going home. I go to a national coffee chain and order a drink. While waiting for it, someone walks up to me. Note: I’m still in my uniform, which is red, and my name tag, with the logo of the company I work for.)

Customer: “Excuse me, shouldn’t you be making drinks?! It’s busy!”

Me: “Uhm… excuse me?”

Customer: “You heard me! Get off your lazy a** and go back behind the counter!”

Me: “I… ma’am, I don’t work here.”

Customer: “Oh, now you’re making s*** up! Get your manager!”

Me: “Ma’am, I work at [Store].”

Customer: “No, you work here!”

(One of the actual employees hears her yelling and comes over.)

Employee: “Ma’am, she doesn’t work here. If she did, she’d be wearing a shirt like mine. And her name tag would say [Store], not [Name].”

Customer: “Well!” *takes her drink and storms off*

(The employee and I look at each other.)

Employee: “So… extra shot of espresso?”

I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 22
I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 21
I Don’t Work Here, Does Not Work Here, Part 20

Espresso: Katy Perry Edition

| Atlanta, GA, USA | Right | January 11, 2017

(The beverage menu for the coffeehouse is extensive, about 75 pages. I’m taking an order from a trio of young looking kids.)

Me: “And for you, sir?”

Customer #1: “I’d like an iced espresso.”

Me: “Well, that’s not really an item. Is there anything else I could get you?”

Customer #1: “No, I want an iced espresso.”

Me: “We have lots of iced drinks and hot drinks, or if there was a specific way you wanted it prepared maybe that would help me serve you?”

Customer #1: “I don’t see why I can’t get an iced espresso.”

Me: *starting to lose my cool* “Well, I can bring you espresso and ice, but what you’re asking me to do is impossible.”

Customer #1: “What? How do you mean?”

Me: “You’re asking for both the hottest and coldest items on the menu. If I put ice in espresso, it’s going to melt and make you an Americano, which you said you don’t want. So because I cannot bend the laws of physics, I’m not going to bring you something you don’t want and set myself up for failure.”

Customer #1: *to [Customer #2]* “This is ridiculous.”

Customer #2: *gives me a sympathetic look, then urges [Customer #1] to order something else*

Me: *totally done with this as everyone else ordered and have told Customer #1 to stop being difficult* “I can bring you an actual Americano, or I could try bringing you ice and espresso so you can see for yourself, but I’m not bringing you an espresso with melting ice in it so you can tell me I’m wrong.”

(The customer ended up getting something COMPLETELY different, which made me wonder if he was “testing” me.)

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