Clocked Off For Good

| MI, USA | Working | November 25, 2014

(I manage the college campus coffee shop. One day, I notice one of the student workers going into the back room, where the time clock is located. She leaves moments later. Since she isn’t due to work that morning, I am curious, and I look at her time card. She has clocked in and left. I look back at past weeks, and determine that she had been clocking a few hours prior to most of her shifts for almost a month. I pull her time card, and leave a note for her to come see me.)

Employee: “Hey, what’s up? I couldn’t find my time card, and your note didn’t say.”

Me: “You clocked in a few hours ago, and then left.”

Employee: “…and?”

Me: “You falsified your record of hours worked, which constitutes fraud and theft. Since this has been going on for a month, the amount you’ve stolen is enough to count as a felony.”

Employee: “Oh. So… is that a problem? I was short on money, and thought I’d get some extra hours.”

Me: “Extra hours that you didn’t work?”

Employee: “Yeah!”

Me: “And you don’t see why that’s a problem?”

Employee: “No, why?”

Me: “Then you’re REALLY not going to expect what’s coming next.”

(Since I’m a big softy, I just fired her, and didn’t bring the police into it.)

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Too Early For Proper English

| Shippensburg, PA, USA | Working | November 25, 2014

(In my first semester of college, I have an eight am class clear on the other side of campus. I am not once on time. One particularly bad morning I am walking to class, for my eight am midterm, at around 8:35. I stop in at my usual coffee spot on the way with my usual elderly coffee lady.)

Me: *apparently speaking in what I assume is poor German for no apparent reason other than fatigue* “Ich möchte eine tasse kaffe, bitte.” *German for: I would like a cup of coffee, please*

Coffee Lady: “Eine große oder kleine?” *German for: Large or small?*

Me: *very much confused* “Did I ask for coffee in German?”

Coffee Lady: “Yes.”

Me: “Oh. Uh, große, bitte.” *German: A large cup, please*

Coffee Lady: “Coffee’s on me. You’re going to miss your test.”

(I run to class. As it turns out she is from Germany and was just as surprised as I was that I ordered in German! After my midterm I came back and chatted with her and we have been friends ever since! And she’s bought more than a few cups of joe for me!)

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It’s No Use Lying Over Spilt Milk

| ON, Canada | Right | November 19, 2014

(I work at a big name coffee chain. This conversation is taking place over headsets; I’m in the back unpacking stock.)

Coworker: “Is it possible to be allergic to milk fat?”

Me: “I don’t know, maybe? Some pretty weird allergies run in my family.”

Coworker: “This customer just asked for a drink made nonfat because she’s allergic to milk fat.”

Me: “Well, if she says there’s an allergy, assume she’s telling the truth.”

Coworker: “And she wants whipped cream on it.”

Me: “…”

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Doesn’t Get The Scale Of Their Love

| CA, USA | Romantic | November 13, 2014

(My boyfriend and I are at a coffee shop with my sister. Note that we often make up cutesy ‘how much do you love me?’ questions.)

Me: “On a scale of one to a billion, how much do you love me?”

Boyfriend: *scoffing* “A billion isn’t a realistic scale.”

Me: “Fine… On a scale of one to 1,365.5, how much do you love me?”

Boyfriend: “A billion.”

Getting The Short End Of The Stick(y)

, | USA | Working | November 11, 2014

(I work in the snack-bar of a grocery store. There is a coffee shop connected to us, and both are run by the store. I am washing dishes when my coworkers walk in. Both are carrying the splash-guards from the blender.)

Coworker#1: “It’s all sticky!”

Coworker #2: “You have three kids. How do sticky things bother you?”

Me: *without looking up* “She has three kids…”

Coworker #1: *laughs* “And you learn to fear what sticky things they bring you!”

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